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xyzzysqrlWe're going to start this off-E3 period with Sony's PS5 reveal and their "Future of Gaming" hour-long presentation. As I write this, we're ten minutes from rolling that and I'm conflicted. I don't know if this is going to be more than SPECS SPECS SPECS AND PRE-RENDERS or what.
Guess I'll know soon enough.
How about a randomly-selected rec from the BUNDLE FOR JUSTICE first, though?
If you've recently bought it and are having trouble deciding what to play, why not try Fossil Hunters, an action-arcade game where you excavate dinosaur fossils and slap them together any way you want to maximize the point value and/or amuse yourself?
Do you think that stegosaurus would look better as a hydra? Have you always been let down that velociraptors were not, in fact, giraffes? You can fix that problem and create brand new scientific facts of your own. Bring up to three friends and rewrite the historical record!
Let me know how it is, I haven't played it yet myself.
One minute to go and "STAY TUNED" has appeared on the holding pattern button-logo screen. That's how you know a hotly-anticipated stream is about to start, it tells you nothing.
Okay, we've got a giant white cube on the screen, and it's filling in with Jeff Minter Tempest patterns and turning into a triangle. ...is David Lynch back? Is this David Lynch again?
(EXCLUSIVE REPORT: PS5 will have polygonal shapes.)
We're doing a best-of highlight reel of the PS4. Look at all this CINEMATIC GAMING I ... largely didn't play to be honest. It's funny as fuck to see Ratchet's BIG FURRY FACE pop up randomly in the middle of lots of Serious Manly Faces.
Now we're doing GTA5.
...
Didn't this already come out? I feel like this game may have been released already? Did anyone tell Sony?
Wow we are REALLY lingering on GTA5. Bold choice to begin with a game that was given away free just a little bit ago.
...yeah, that's... their first announcement.
2021, you get GTA Online free with the launch and they'll give you GTA cash if you own it already.
*lipfart noises* ROARING START.
Jim Ryan, president and CEO of Sony, shows up to present his lavishly rendered forehead and tell us that yes, Rock Star Games are making more GTA games and yes, they will be on Sony.
"Inspiring developers to create new experiences that are transformative in how they look, sound, and feel." ...show GTA5 again motherfucker I dare you.
Oh, hey. Our first NEW game appears to be ... a sequel. Spider Man 2 starring Miles Morales. It is literally titled "Spider Man: Miles Morales". Now that's a transformative new experience.
The Gran Turismo Man is here to show us Gran Turismo, shinier than ever. Polyphony Digital does not want to -fuck- cars, like the Drive Club dude from a few years back, but if YOU want to, they're going to give you their best material.
You can get right in the ... car ... pit and pilot a car with your virtual hands by ... squeezing the car paddles and...
....fuck, I don't know what's happening, I don't drive. It's pretty? Whoever's playing this is real good, they haven't rammed anybody off the track yet and I struggle with that.
Okay we're here for what really matters now: Cute bugs.
...oh it's Ratchet again. I'm very glad to see Ratchet and Clank. Huge ears and all. They are RIDING the cute bugs. More on this as it develops.
It looks like this is going to be Ratchet: Into the Ratchetverse. They also ride dragons. Yeah, give me a Ratchet and Clank game where I can ride through a future city on dragonback and I'll show up. Lots of portals. Using the power of the PS5 you can open PORTALS IN REALITY (but only in the game).
...oh hey, New Girl Ratchet shows up for a frame. I expect e621 to be full of art
*check wrist*
Now.
They're very excited that now Clank has ray-traced reflections.
And some gameplay, featuring portals, rifts, and hot repile people in tight pants getting clubbed with a wrench.
This entire game looks like one extended setpiece.
It's certainly got... like... particle effects and fur texturing and stuff. This is certainly a game and it's certainly a R&C game. I'm pleased by it.
Square-Enix logo.
I... this looks like that Agni's Philosophy thing that wasn't a real game. It's got a girl in a cloak vaulting around doing Magical Stuff. "Project Athia" (or something, I'll need to check that).
Looks, uh, platformery!
So far aside from GTA we're 2/3 on platformers and 1/3 on cars.
Annapurna Interactive presents a game where people have screens for faces and you're a cat with a camera backpack on exploring the technofuture dystopia.
...
Hey is this that Kitty Kowloon thing? I hope it is. "Stray". Looks very good. Wander a city catting and doing cat things.
Oh, here come the specs. SHIELD YOUR HEAD.
4K ULTRA HD BLU-RAY ULTRA-HIGH SPEED SSD RAY TRACING VISUALSHOCK SPEEDSHOCK SOUNDSHOCK NOW IS THE TIME TO SET THE 68000 HEART ON FIRE
I totally tuned out, what happened?
Man here to tell us that they're no longer burdened by an inability to present their truest artistic vision, that they can now create worlds and storylines that will captivate all gamers everywhere.
Shows a clip of a new game about being killed by space aliens over and over.
It's a groundhog day loop game where you're a middle-aged woman infected by an alien planet that's driving her crazy ...
...is this fuckign Space Bloodborne? This is just Space Bloodborne.
Sumo Digital wants to show you their sack, boy. ... I'm sorry, Sackboy.
This is Sony bravely trying to figure out where Super Mario World 3D and Yoshi's Epic Yarn intersect.
Not gonna lie, 3D Platformer Antics are always fun. This looks pretty okay.
(So far I think every game I've liked has been a platformer?)
Some kind of edgy Fortnite-styled ... battle royale... demolition derby where you can get out of the car and put on a fursuit head and drop-kick people?
This is so incredibly FELLOW KIDS but I'm amused by it.
"Destruction Allstars".
Two brothers show up to present their new game about personal growth and redemption. It's a game about two siblings who discover jumbo versions of those soot monsters from Spirited Away and then there's kung fu magic.
Avatar the Least Airbender, I think. This looks very... uhm... Overlord + Cute?
...man this really doesn't look bad at all. You've got a staff girl dodgerolling around and I think this WANTS to be a mid-tier mid-2000s platformer.
Kena: Bridge of Spirits. Okay yeah that looks okay.
(oh it's a PLATFORMER and I LIKE IT what a SHOCKER)
We got 2D animated Cute Furry High School I'm here for this.
"If we've got nothing left to lose, might as well jump." And then they burn their yearbook and join a band.
Goodbye Volcano High I think? This is the first "fuck yeah" game on the lineup and I don't know a damn thing about what it plays like.
Lorne Lanning is here to remind us Oddworld exists.
Oh hey Abe's back.
Holy shit they're actually fucking progressing the Oddworld plotline.
IT'S BEEN NINETEEN YEARS SINCE THEY DID THAT
Oddworld Soulstorm. I'm really glad to see this exist.
Shinji Mikami is here to remind you that Tokyo is a real place.
Tokyo Ghostwire continues to remind me that you too can play Secret World Legends for the low price of absolutely nothing but you probably shouldn't because they sure neutered that game.
... uh... this game looks okay. Yeah, that's some ghostbusting with your magical fingers. Do some Naruto hand-seals and obliterate a creepy faceless ghostman. A+ 10/10 I guess.
The revolutionary war! With insect spaceships! and ... no wait I guess... why is this from the Superbrothers studio??
... Uhhhh this is not what I expected even a little bit
Like the previous Superbrothers this is a little too Art for me to understand, but it APPEARS to revolve around using your little spaceship to fly around... places and do things?
... I can't interpret this.
Gearbox is trying again. Fantasy people in clunky animal-style armor bash each other with weapons.
They're REAL PROUD OF THAT ARMOR. This legit looks like an Unreal Tech Demo ascended. Ever want to look like GLOSS-COATED ANUBIS well here you go.
"Godfall"? I guess Ascended was the wrong word.
"From the Creators of Hyper Light Drifter"
...and it sure looks it too.
A giant glowy space lady wants to BDSM your little three-eyed powersuited lady(?) into a cavern of tricks and/or traps.
This somehow looks like Jet Set Radio found Xenu.
Some gruff-voiced people with guns are out in the woods. It's like Dead by Daylight got a suit budget. Oh, Hitman III ... so exactly like that, yes.
They've described the game as "Intimate and professional" and I'm not sure that's how I'd describe a Hitman game. In my personal gameplay, I would describe Hitman as "a chaotic mass of bodies and explosions".
Sony remembers my love of Aibo and shows me a cute screen-headed robot with a white glossy shell body wandering around playing Mario Galaxy.
Neostream Presents what I can only describe as Shadows of the Claylossus.
No, wait, there's more. Lots of people riding comically undersized things and climbing and ... a store advertising something called Schmeat?
I want to know about the schmeat.
I don't care what else is happening please tell me about the schmeat.
"Little Devil Inside"
...
oh I think this is supposed to be happening inside an old man who is pooping. I hate it, thank you.
Are the "New Orleans Pelicans" a real sports team? I don't sports. Anyway there's balls and sweat.
god there is SO MUCH SWEAT.
I feel wetter just watching this.
Okay, a strawberry just got up and walked away.
Is this Spore 2?
A walrus ate it and mutated. ...oh this is the Octodad guys. Okay this is about eating wildlife and becoming the wildlife and getting chased by things that want to eat you.
In a weird way, I'm getting Cubivore vibes. This is called "Bugsnax".
... yeah okay. This is a very omnivore game and I'm here for that.
The screen is extruding plastic shapes again. *sigh*
Exorcist please.
"Before we get to the end of the show" ... oh, right, dang. This is almost done.
Very little filler, too. I salute that.
SNOW AND MOUNTAINS.
TODD HOWARD, ARE YOU IN THE ROOM?
Oh. We got some... doom demons, some flying jellyfish, some evil skeletons... giant knight...
...wait a fucking minute is this Demon's Souls?
....sure is. Demon's Souls remake. Hot damn okay I'm glad to see that.
Arkane showing off their 'two assassins in a time loop' game. It's... I mean, it's Arkane so I'm obviously on autobuy with their stuff.
More fursuits. Why is Sony the Fursuits Conference?
Oh this doesn't look Grim & Gritty at all. This looks like Dishonored's stylized art cranked up a few notches harder.
This is obviously Arkane building on the Prey Mooncrash formula.
Deathloop. Yep, buying that. Shamelessly buying that.
So are we getting a price tag, or ...
Resident Evil VIII: This time there's Werewolves.
It sure as hell does not LOOK like a Resident Evil? But people said that about RE7 too so whatever.
A man in a very Dead Space lookin' suit tromps through a city... we've got a holocat and a girl with the most spaghetti lookin' hair I've EVER seen animated in 3D...
*laugh helplessly* I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S HAPPENING and I kinda like it.
"Pragmata" and damn if this ain't the most KOJIMA SHIT which SOMEHOW IS FROM CAPCOM?!
Horizon Zero Dawn 2: Alloy Goes to Ferngully.
We're showing a bunch of random developers now, talking about what they want out of the PS5. MORE ICONIC CHARACTERS... I mean, you don't need TECHNOLOGY for that, just WRITERS.
The Playstation 5 is represented by a giant, evershifting mass of ping-pong balls that adhere together and glow unsettlingly.
No, wait, there... yes, they're showing the TRUE FORM of the beast.
It's a white rectangle with a black stripe that glows blue.
I can see they WANTED to make it look like Alien Futuretech, but instead it just looks like it's going ^|^
Oh shit we took the camera off it and it bred.
Uh, PS5 and "PS5 Digital" which is the same thing with no drive slot and also it's not backward compatible anyway so fuck you if you have existing game discs.
IN SUMMARY:
The PS5 has -
White plastic
Furries in like every fucking game
Ping pong balls
No price tag.
I expected very little from Sony this year, after their "we're showin' four games" E3 of last year. I was surprised! They showed a lot, and none of it really made me yawn and check out, except for the cars and sports. Well done, Sony. Claps all around.
I'm not buyin' a PS5, y'know. But claps.
Join me next time for the PC Gaming Sleepytime Festival, on June 13th! We'll nap together, it'll be great!
Guess I'll know soon enough.
How about a randomly-selected rec from the BUNDLE FOR JUSTICE first, though?
If you've recently bought it and are having trouble deciding what to play, why not try Fossil Hunters, an action-arcade game where you excavate dinosaur fossils and slap them together any way you want to maximize the point value and/or amuse yourself?
Do you think that stegosaurus would look better as a hydra? Have you always been let down that velociraptors were not, in fact, giraffes? You can fix that problem and create brand new scientific facts of your own. Bring up to three friends and rewrite the historical record!
Let me know how it is, I haven't played it yet myself.
One minute to go and "STAY TUNED" has appeared on the holding pattern button-logo screen. That's how you know a hotly-anticipated stream is about to start, it tells you nothing.
Okay, we've got a giant white cube on the screen, and it's filling in with Jeff Minter Tempest patterns and turning into a triangle. ...is David Lynch back? Is this David Lynch again?
(EXCLUSIVE REPORT: PS5 will have polygonal shapes.)
We're doing a best-of highlight reel of the PS4. Look at all this CINEMATIC GAMING I ... largely didn't play to be honest. It's funny as fuck to see Ratchet's BIG FURRY FACE pop up randomly in the middle of lots of Serious Manly Faces.
Now we're doing GTA5.
...
Didn't this already come out? I feel like this game may have been released already? Did anyone tell Sony?
Wow we are REALLY lingering on GTA5. Bold choice to begin with a game that was given away free just a little bit ago.
...yeah, that's... their first announcement.
2021, you get GTA Online free with the launch and they'll give you GTA cash if you own it already.
*lipfart noises* ROARING START.
Jim Ryan, president and CEO of Sony, shows up to present his lavishly rendered forehead and tell us that yes, Rock Star Games are making more GTA games and yes, they will be on Sony.
"Inspiring developers to create new experiences that are transformative in how they look, sound, and feel." ...show GTA5 again motherfucker I dare you.
Oh, hey. Our first NEW game appears to be ... a sequel. Spider Man 2 starring Miles Morales. It is literally titled "Spider Man: Miles Morales". Now that's a transformative new experience.
The Gran Turismo Man is here to show us Gran Turismo, shinier than ever. Polyphony Digital does not want to -fuck- cars, like the Drive Club dude from a few years back, but if YOU want to, they're going to give you their best material.
You can get right in the ... car ... pit and pilot a car with your virtual hands by ... squeezing the car paddles and...
....fuck, I don't know what's happening, I don't drive. It's pretty? Whoever's playing this is real good, they haven't rammed anybody off the track yet and I struggle with that.
Okay we're here for what really matters now: Cute bugs.
...oh it's Ratchet again. I'm very glad to see Ratchet and Clank. Huge ears and all. They are RIDING the cute bugs. More on this as it develops.
It looks like this is going to be Ratchet: Into the Ratchetverse. They also ride dragons. Yeah, give me a Ratchet and Clank game where I can ride through a future city on dragonback and I'll show up. Lots of portals. Using the power of the PS5 you can open PORTALS IN REALITY (but only in the game).
...oh hey, New Girl Ratchet shows up for a frame. I expect e621 to be full of art
*check wrist*
Now.
They're very excited that now Clank has ray-traced reflections.
And some gameplay, featuring portals, rifts, and hot repile people in tight pants getting clubbed with a wrench.
This entire game looks like one extended setpiece.
It's certainly got... like... particle effects and fur texturing and stuff. This is certainly a game and it's certainly a R&C game. I'm pleased by it.
Square-Enix logo.
I... this looks like that Agni's Philosophy thing that wasn't a real game. It's got a girl in a cloak vaulting around doing Magical Stuff. "Project Athia" (or something, I'll need to check that).
Looks, uh, platformery!
So far aside from GTA we're 2/3 on platformers and 1/3 on cars.
Annapurna Interactive presents a game where people have screens for faces and you're a cat with a camera backpack on exploring the technofuture dystopia.
...
Hey is this that Kitty Kowloon thing? I hope it is. "Stray". Looks very good. Wander a city catting and doing cat things.
Oh, here come the specs. SHIELD YOUR HEAD.
4K ULTRA HD BLU-RAY ULTRA-HIGH SPEED SSD RAY TRACING VISUALSHOCK SPEEDSHOCK SOUNDSHOCK NOW IS THE TIME TO SET THE 68000 HEART ON FIRE
I totally tuned out, what happened?
Man here to tell us that they're no longer burdened by an inability to present their truest artistic vision, that they can now create worlds and storylines that will captivate all gamers everywhere.
Shows a clip of a new game about being killed by space aliens over and over.
It's a groundhog day loop game where you're a middle-aged woman infected by an alien planet that's driving her crazy ...
...is this fuckign Space Bloodborne? This is just Space Bloodborne.
Sumo Digital wants to show you their sack, boy. ... I'm sorry, Sackboy.
This is Sony bravely trying to figure out where Super Mario World 3D and Yoshi's Epic Yarn intersect.
Not gonna lie, 3D Platformer Antics are always fun. This looks pretty okay.
(So far I think every game I've liked has been a platformer?)
Some kind of edgy Fortnite-styled ... battle royale... demolition derby where you can get out of the car and put on a fursuit head and drop-kick people?
This is so incredibly FELLOW KIDS but I'm amused by it.
"Destruction Allstars".
Two brothers show up to present their new game about personal growth and redemption. It's a game about two siblings who discover jumbo versions of those soot monsters from Spirited Away and then there's kung fu magic.
Avatar the Least Airbender, I think. This looks very... uhm... Overlord + Cute?
...man this really doesn't look bad at all. You've got a staff girl dodgerolling around and I think this WANTS to be a mid-tier mid-2000s platformer.
Kena: Bridge of Spirits. Okay yeah that looks okay.
(oh it's a PLATFORMER and I LIKE IT what a SHOCKER)
We got 2D animated Cute Furry High School I'm here for this.
"If we've got nothing left to lose, might as well jump." And then they burn their yearbook and join a band.
Goodbye Volcano High I think? This is the first "fuck yeah" game on the lineup and I don't know a damn thing about what it plays like.
Lorne Lanning is here to remind us Oddworld exists.
Oh hey Abe's back.
Holy shit they're actually fucking progressing the Oddworld plotline.
IT'S BEEN NINETEEN YEARS SINCE THEY DID THAT
Oddworld Soulstorm. I'm really glad to see this exist.
Shinji Mikami is here to remind you that Tokyo is a real place.
Tokyo Ghostwire continues to remind me that you too can play Secret World Legends for the low price of absolutely nothing but you probably shouldn't because they sure neutered that game.
... uh... this game looks okay. Yeah, that's some ghostbusting with your magical fingers. Do some Naruto hand-seals and obliterate a creepy faceless ghostman. A+ 10/10 I guess.
The revolutionary war! With insect spaceships! and ... no wait I guess... why is this from the Superbrothers studio??
... Uhhhh this is not what I expected even a little bit
Like the previous Superbrothers this is a little too Art for me to understand, but it APPEARS to revolve around using your little spaceship to fly around... places and do things?
... I can't interpret this.
Gearbox is trying again. Fantasy people in clunky animal-style armor bash each other with weapons.
They're REAL PROUD OF THAT ARMOR. This legit looks like an Unreal Tech Demo ascended. Ever want to look like GLOSS-COATED ANUBIS well here you go.
"Godfall"? I guess Ascended was the wrong word.
"From the Creators of Hyper Light Drifter"
...and it sure looks it too.
A giant glowy space lady wants to BDSM your little three-eyed powersuited lady(?) into a cavern of tricks and/or traps.
This somehow looks like Jet Set Radio found Xenu.
Some gruff-voiced people with guns are out in the woods. It's like Dead by Daylight got a suit budget. Oh, Hitman III ... so exactly like that, yes.
They've described the game as "Intimate and professional" and I'm not sure that's how I'd describe a Hitman game. In my personal gameplay, I would describe Hitman as "a chaotic mass of bodies and explosions".
Sony remembers my love of Aibo and shows me a cute screen-headed robot with a white glossy shell body wandering around playing Mario Galaxy.
Neostream Presents what I can only describe as Shadows of the Claylossus.
No, wait, there's more. Lots of people riding comically undersized things and climbing and ... a store advertising something called Schmeat?
I want to know about the schmeat.
I don't care what else is happening please tell me about the schmeat.
"Little Devil Inside"
...
oh I think this is supposed to be happening inside an old man who is pooping. I hate it, thank you.
Are the "New Orleans Pelicans" a real sports team? I don't sports. Anyway there's balls and sweat.
god there is SO MUCH SWEAT.
I feel wetter just watching this.
Okay, a strawberry just got up and walked away.
Is this Spore 2?
A walrus ate it and mutated. ...oh this is the Octodad guys. Okay this is about eating wildlife and becoming the wildlife and getting chased by things that want to eat you.
In a weird way, I'm getting Cubivore vibes. This is called "Bugsnax".
... yeah okay. This is a very omnivore game and I'm here for that.
The screen is extruding plastic shapes again. *sigh*
Exorcist please.
"Before we get to the end of the show" ... oh, right, dang. This is almost done.
Very little filler, too. I salute that.
SNOW AND MOUNTAINS.
TODD HOWARD, ARE YOU IN THE ROOM?
Oh. We got some... doom demons, some flying jellyfish, some evil skeletons... giant knight...
...wait a fucking minute is this Demon's Souls?
....sure is. Demon's Souls remake. Hot damn okay I'm glad to see that.
Arkane showing off their 'two assassins in a time loop' game. It's... I mean, it's Arkane so I'm obviously on autobuy with their stuff.
More fursuits. Why is Sony the Fursuits Conference?
Oh this doesn't look Grim & Gritty at all. This looks like Dishonored's stylized art cranked up a few notches harder.
This is obviously Arkane building on the Prey Mooncrash formula.
Deathloop. Yep, buying that. Shamelessly buying that.
So are we getting a price tag, or ...
Resident Evil VIII: This time there's Werewolves.
It sure as hell does not LOOK like a Resident Evil? But people said that about RE7 too so whatever.
A man in a very Dead Space lookin' suit tromps through a city... we've got a holocat and a girl with the most spaghetti lookin' hair I've EVER seen animated in 3D...
*laugh helplessly* I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S HAPPENING and I kinda like it.
"Pragmata" and damn if this ain't the most KOJIMA SHIT which SOMEHOW IS FROM CAPCOM?!
Horizon Zero Dawn 2: Alloy Goes to Ferngully.
We're showing a bunch of random developers now, talking about what they want out of the PS5. MORE ICONIC CHARACTERS... I mean, you don't need TECHNOLOGY for that, just WRITERS.
The Playstation 5 is represented by a giant, evershifting mass of ping-pong balls that adhere together and glow unsettlingly.
No, wait, there... yes, they're showing the TRUE FORM of the beast.
It's a white rectangle with a black stripe that glows blue.
I can see they WANTED to make it look like Alien Futuretech, but instead it just looks like it's going ^|^
Oh shit we took the camera off it and it bred.
Uh, PS5 and "PS5 Digital" which is the same thing with no drive slot and also it's not backward compatible anyway so fuck you if you have existing game discs.
IN SUMMARY:
The PS5 has -
White plastic
Furries in like every fucking game
Ping pong balls
No price tag.
I expected very little from Sony this year, after their "we're showin' four games" E3 of last year. I was surprised! They showed a lot, and none of it really made me yawn and check out, except for the cars and sports. Well done, Sony. Claps all around.
I'm not buyin' a PS5, y'know. But claps.
Join me next time for the PC Gaming Sleepytime Festival, on June 13th! We'll nap together, it'll be great!
