SQRLMOG LIVEBLOG: Sony at E3
Jun. 11th, 2018 10:14 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
xyzzysqrlAll right, I've made myself a pot of tea. Let's settle in for Sony's Big Four Moves of Doom. Will they really only have four games shown at E3? How torture-porny will Last of Us 2 be? What the hell actually is Death Stranding? Spider-Man: Threat, or Menace? ... what was the fourth game, again?
NONE OF THESE QUESTIONS AND MORE WILL BE ANSWERED.
I ... literally do not know what I'm looking at. Squeaky banana robot people singing at me. I think that was their pre-show? I am confused.
Oh my god. This venue looks like everyone's gonna have a glass of kool-aid and ascend. Even the dude on stage is cracking wise about "going to church".
The creepy dude with a banjo is really not soothing my fears about suicide cults.
"Here at Sony, we love video games. It's a vocation. You know what else is a vocation? Finger-plucking your banjo. Have an extended solo, I'm gonna pee."
It's just The Last of Us 2. The trailer starts in a room decorated exactly like the First Church of Sony Christ. This is probably intentional. I hope they won't redecorate for every trailer.
just two gals. being pals. rubbing their bodily oils all over each other.
I have zero personal investment in the Last of Us 2 universe so this is mind-numbing to me. Moreso when it switches from lesbian makeouts to KNIFEMURDER. Those are the two emotions allowed at E3.
Aside from that this is basically identical to Tomb Raider: Lara Has A Sad, except Elly has a bigger backpack than the world-famous explorer.
"Here at Sony, we love video games and we love making video games. We put all our soul and our passion and our love for games and our love for you into making intestines that dangle realistically when a man is gutted while pleading desperately for his life."
Are they calling her 'Wolf'? ... is SHE the Bad Wolf?
Hardcore mass murder simulator The Last of Us 2. God, that's really fucking unpleasant.
"Where's their head at when directing this game?" "Well Shaun, they just really love blood."
"God of War, Detroit: Become Human ... what are you DOING over there?"
"Well, first rule: Do no harm."
DID YOU REALLY
WITH DAVID FUCKING CAGE ON STAFF
Calladuti comes on, guest-starring the magic bullet from the JFK assassination. So we ARE seeing a couple games beyond the quad-game hellpit.
Tetris Effect looks AMAZING and I want it. It's just Tetris, but the Rez guy designed the backgrounds.
Twin Mirror looks very psychological.
Cute Animals! But only in VR. You're not allowed non-VR cute animals.
They are LITERALLY CHANGING VENUES BETWEEN EVERY GAME.
Destiny 2 expansion trailer. Goodness, but I've heard so little that's good about Destiny 2. That's a really hard pooch-screwing.
"Am I strong enough to let things just die?" asks the trailer for the expansion pack to a very troubled game.
Samurai man appears to play a digeridoo at us. Ah, finally, a cardboard tube samurai game.
...Samurai Game is lovely and all but... that's all? No, it has a combat system and it's very "Way of the Samurai". This doesn't actually look BAD, it's just kind of... artistically soulless.
But you CAN do that thing where you stab someone through a rice-paper screen window so that's cool.
"Weird Escher House - The Videogame" looks good though. You're a lady with a gun and surreal gravity powers. 'CONTROL' apparently.
Resident Evil 2 remake looking sharp. But we of course had to start with Violence Against Rat. Also, it sounds like they recorded a new voice track, which ... BOOOO.
They wasted a really cool bright colorful platformer on terrible bland Rick and Morty shit, because unloading pistols into both legs is what Sony's E3 is all about.
Speaking of pistols, have a photorealistic Pirates world in Kingdom Hearts. You wanted that right?
... Man I've got to get around to playing the entire set of Kingdom Hearts games again.
Death Stranding shows up again. I haven't been following it at all, but apparently it's just a single game-long fetch quest or something? It's about that one guy with the face walking around and being miserable.
I think he might have baby cancer? or invisible giant baby cancer? Or is haunted BY an invisibl giant baby?
I still don't know what the fuck this game is about.
HE JUST ACTIVATED BABY MODE. HE TURNED HIS BABY ON AND IT STARTED FLASHLIGHTING AND INVISIBLE FLYING FETAL CORD GHOSTS APPEARED. DID ANYONE TELL KOJIMA HE HAD TO STOP MAKING SILENT HILL?
"HEY E3: WATCH ME EAT A BUG."
*blank confusion* Well that sure... fuckin' ... existed.
Nioh 2 is more comprehensible. It only features a man pulling a shard of lava out of his forehead and his head explodes into bursts of lava and he turns into a fire demon and bleaughs fire everywhere.
Spider-Man. This is what I'm here for. Spider-Man fights Electro and Rhino and Scorpion and a bunch of super-prisoners. Combat looks GOOD. Smooth. Movement also looks good and smooth. This looks GREAT. ... They packed EVERY villain they could into this, there's Vulture. Is Venom gonna show up? Someone mentioned "five of your worst enemies have escaped"...
Mister Negative. Okay sure.
Ends on a next-issue cliffhanger.
HOPES
Eh.
EXPECTATIONS
All met.
HYPE
Still Spider-Man/10. Man that was a weak little fart of a presser next to Microsoft's, except Microsoft was like "HERE'S SIX BILLION GAMES" and Sony was like "HERE'S SIX BILLION DOLLARS WORTH OF OUR GAME BUDGET, IN FOUR GAMES."
NONE OF THESE QUESTIONS AND MORE WILL BE ANSWERED.
I ... literally do not know what I'm looking at. Squeaky banana robot people singing at me. I think that was their pre-show? I am confused.
Oh my god. This venue looks like everyone's gonna have a glass of kool-aid and ascend. Even the dude on stage is cracking wise about "going to church".
The creepy dude with a banjo is really not soothing my fears about suicide cults.
"Here at Sony, we love video games. It's a vocation. You know what else is a vocation? Finger-plucking your banjo. Have an extended solo, I'm gonna pee."
It's just The Last of Us 2. The trailer starts in a room decorated exactly like the First Church of Sony Christ. This is probably intentional. I hope they won't redecorate for every trailer.
just two gals. being pals. rubbing their bodily oils all over each other.
I have zero personal investment in the Last of Us 2 universe so this is mind-numbing to me. Moreso when it switches from lesbian makeouts to KNIFEMURDER. Those are the two emotions allowed at E3.
Aside from that this is basically identical to Tomb Raider: Lara Has A Sad, except Elly has a bigger backpack than the world-famous explorer.
"Here at Sony, we love video games and we love making video games. We put all our soul and our passion and our love for games and our love for you into making intestines that dangle realistically when a man is gutted while pleading desperately for his life."
Are they calling her 'Wolf'? ... is SHE the Bad Wolf?
Hardcore mass murder simulator The Last of Us 2. God, that's really fucking unpleasant.
"Where's their head at when directing this game?" "Well Shaun, they just really love blood."
"God of War, Detroit: Become Human ... what are you DOING over there?"
"Well, first rule: Do no harm."
DID YOU REALLY
WITH DAVID FUCKING CAGE ON STAFF
Calladuti comes on, guest-starring the magic bullet from the JFK assassination. So we ARE seeing a couple games beyond the quad-game hellpit.
Tetris Effect looks AMAZING and I want it. It's just Tetris, but the Rez guy designed the backgrounds.
Twin Mirror looks very psychological.
Cute Animals! But only in VR. You're not allowed non-VR cute animals.
They are LITERALLY CHANGING VENUES BETWEEN EVERY GAME.
Destiny 2 expansion trailer. Goodness, but I've heard so little that's good about Destiny 2. That's a really hard pooch-screwing.
"Am I strong enough to let things just die?" asks the trailer for the expansion pack to a very troubled game.
Samurai man appears to play a digeridoo at us. Ah, finally, a cardboard tube samurai game.
...Samurai Game is lovely and all but... that's all? No, it has a combat system and it's very "Way of the Samurai". This doesn't actually look BAD, it's just kind of... artistically soulless.
But you CAN do that thing where you stab someone through a rice-paper screen window so that's cool.
"Weird Escher House - The Videogame" looks good though. You're a lady with a gun and surreal gravity powers. 'CONTROL' apparently.
Resident Evil 2 remake looking sharp. But we of course had to start with Violence Against Rat. Also, it sounds like they recorded a new voice track, which ... BOOOO.
They wasted a really cool bright colorful platformer on terrible bland Rick and Morty shit, because unloading pistols into both legs is what Sony's E3 is all about.
Speaking of pistols, have a photorealistic Pirates world in Kingdom Hearts. You wanted that right?
... Man I've got to get around to playing the entire set of Kingdom Hearts games again.
Death Stranding shows up again. I haven't been following it at all, but apparently it's just a single game-long fetch quest or something? It's about that one guy with the face walking around and being miserable.
I think he might have baby cancer? or invisible giant baby cancer? Or is haunted BY an invisibl giant baby?
I still don't know what the fuck this game is about.
HE JUST ACTIVATED BABY MODE. HE TURNED HIS BABY ON AND IT STARTED FLASHLIGHTING AND INVISIBLE FLYING FETAL CORD GHOSTS APPEARED. DID ANYONE TELL KOJIMA HE HAD TO STOP MAKING SILENT HILL?
"HEY E3: WATCH ME EAT A BUG."
*blank confusion* Well that sure... fuckin' ... existed.
Nioh 2 is more comprehensible. It only features a man pulling a shard of lava out of his forehead and his head explodes into bursts of lava and he turns into a fire demon and bleaughs fire everywhere.
Spider-Man. This is what I'm here for. Spider-Man fights Electro and Rhino and Scorpion and a bunch of super-prisoners. Combat looks GOOD. Smooth. Movement also looks good and smooth. This looks GREAT. ... They packed EVERY villain they could into this, there's Vulture. Is Venom gonna show up? Someone mentioned "five of your worst enemies have escaped"...
Mister Negative. Okay sure.
Ends on a next-issue cliffhanger.
HOPES
Eh.
EXPECTATIONS
All met.
HYPE
Still Spider-Man/10. Man that was a weak little fart of a presser next to Microsoft's, except Microsoft was like "HERE'S SIX BILLION GAMES" and Sony was like "HERE'S SIX BILLION DOLLARS WORTH OF OUR GAME BUDGET, IN FOUR GAMES."
