SQRLMOG LIVEBLOG: Microsoft at E3
Jun. 10th, 2018 05:46 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
xyzzysqrlOkay, this one is HUGE. Microsoft were dropping game after game after game. There was so much to say.
I can't tell for sure and I don't want to make base accusations but I'm listening to the music loop on the Microsoft "Show Begins in an Hour" screen and I'm pretty sure at least some of it is a lady chanting "hate machine my hate machine my hate machine" before proceeding to talk about booty drops. The metaphoric construction is left as an exercise to the reader.
They've also chosen to refer to this as a "briefing", which A: Makes me feel like I'm being scouted for the Nation of Xboxica, and B: Is a shining silver lie because nothing at E3 has ever been brief.
We have GIANT X SIGN.
And they jump straight into the games. I was really hype for the lovely footage of nature and beauty they were showing and then it turned out to be Halo. HALO INFINITE. AN INFINITE RING OF HALOS HALOING EACH OTHER.
Happily I kinda like Halo but... that wasn't much to go on. It's big, it has Master Chef in it. Uh... okay sure. Yay Halo.
Phil whatsisname pumps up gamers for a while. Yay gamers. Gamers love each other like a community. Nobody look at Twitter please.
"We feel excitement in the air and danger on the seas." Only in platformers with one-hit-kill sea monsters.
They're going to show 50 games. Well, that's something. They're just gonna SPAM at us.
We kick RIGHT OFF with Ori so I like where this is going. This game is going to make me cry like a punched toddler. 2019 for that.
From Software makes a game about a samurai with a prosthetic arm. Bets on people complaining about that Battlefield lady with a prosthetic being historically inaccurate not caring about this dude?
TODD HOWARD CLIPS THROUGH THE STAGE LIVE AT MICROSOFT'S PRESSER
"We've got a history with Xbox, going all the way back to the original, Morrowind." Yes, Elder Scrolls 1, Morrowind.
Todd shows up to waggle Fallout 4 again (PSST TODD, THAT GAME'S OUT ALREADY, SIT DOWN) and Fallout 76. Let's see if it's an MMO.
Yaaaaay who knows that trailer told us nothing.
Squeenix shows off a new Life is Strange. Looks depressing, but also celebrates imagination. I'm probably gonna play it and feel bittersadwistful afterward. ... Oh and it's free on June 26. Okay awesome.
Terry Crews is still trapped in Crackdown 3. Please let him out. Please. It's been a year. ... Still, Terry Crews is one of the only men in America who can still make NBA Jam noises and it sounds okay.
Nier A Tomato comes to XboneX.
That Metro game from last year. Still disaster-porny as hell. Which I can't not approve of as someone who craves the destruction of all.
Phil has left the containment zone of the stage. This is not a drill. Remain in your seats, his vision is based on movement.
Phil: "GUYS WE GOT A JRPG! :D IT'S KINGDOM HEARTS! YOU GET TO PLAY KINGDOM HEARTS 3!" ... uhhh without the first bunch? good fuckin' luck, xboners.
GUMMI SHIPS RETURN CONFIRMED YEAHHHHHH
Sora is shocked Elsa can control ice. Dude you cast blizzard on a regular basis. ...and a last-second trailer reveal that makes my heart drop out.
Sea of Thieves. Isn't that out too? I don't care about this. Apparently this is the expansion that adds a story?
They decided to film the text crawl from a dozen miles away but I saw "german resistance" and "EA" and I bet... yeah, this is that Battlefield thing they said would cross over. It took me more time to type this than it did to run the trailer.
vroom vroom cars cars cars vroom vroom wow this takes a while to run. ... Okay the HOVERCRAFT was unexpected and got a pop.
Yeah they're gonna go on about Forza Horizon 4 for a while. I always kind of want these, because they're where all the Burnout dudes went. But I don't care THIS much about it.
...they're just introducing like sixteen people and it's all "WELCOME TO NAME WITH CAR AND HERE'S CAR MAN WITH CAR AND" oh because it's a shared MMO open world so people can just drive into you like assfucks all day long. Thanks, that's what I want in my car game, sentient asshole traffic.
"It's easy to interact with the people you meet." THAT'S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY I PLAY VIDEO GAMES
An open world that actually changes with seasonal stuff is kinda cool though. Like, I really like the concept.
CEO noises. best best gamers play investment franchises amplify gaming xbox xboxxboxboxbxoxboxoxx.
New game studio: The Initiative. Didn't Buffy fight them? Mergers happening on stage live as we watch. Ban this sick filth.
We Happy Few, a game about drug-induced mind control and enforced happiness. Whiiiich feels a touch on the nose here at E3.
Plunkbat. I like that "game is unfinished" is still in all the logos.
RETURN OF TALES OF VESPERIA OH GOD IT'S BACK IT HAS THE PS3 SHIT I'M FEELING EMOTIONS AND I DON'T KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH THEM
Okay thank god, Tom Clancy stuff, I can de-hype again. We're just back to vigorous NRA jacking.
And really faked up gamer chatter. No one playing an MMO has ever narrated like this.
(I would love to talk like this but I would be shouted off mike and then banned from every game simultaneously.)
"Hey gamers y'all have too many fucking games to play, right? Just assloads of games. What if you could have MORE GAMES on your backlog? Here's our subscription service, fuckers. CHOKE ON THE FIREHOSE."
FastStart. It... makes... games start better? Fast-fowards? I don't understand what this is.
I try not to make fun of the presenters but the poor lady on stage is audibly tripping over the words "XBOX GAMEPASS" every single time she tries to say it.
Giant indie game tornado dump. Most of the games that only show for 10 seconds are the ones I would actually buy and play. True facts.
Tomb Raider: Lara Croft Gets Real Sad Because She's Forced To Actually Raid Some Tombs. This is the one where she fucks up and finds an ancient artifact that shouldn't be found and spends the rest of the game dealing with issues of cultural appropriation which she deals with by shooting people.
....the depressing plot makes me sad because OTHERWISE this actually looks like the first reboot Tomb Raider that's ACTUALLY ABOUT EXPLORING TOMBS AND SOLVING PUZZLES.
Session. .... I don't know if it's Skate 4 but I'll take it.
Black Desert. Didn't I pass on this LAST YEAR?
Devil May Cry 5. Eh. They bring out the creator to loudly announce "DEE EM CEE IS BACK" and get a huge pop, so I guess that's... good?
Cuphead Expansion. We're into the "for people who like unforgiving games" portion I guess.
Tiny fox is back! Hello tiny fox I love you! Tunic it's called and it's so precious and I love it and I love him.
Phil smugly announces that Tiny Fox is captivating people and it was made by only one guy in Nova Scotia. Smuuuuuug but he's not wrong. Except where he thinks people are using Mixer ever. Fuck off into the ocean Mixer.
God, they have a LOT OF GAMES though I'll give them that.
Namco-Bandai does their own Shonen Jump crossover game. Naruto vs Freiza vs Luffy vs Goku. "We couldn't get in Smash so we're having our own goddamn Smash." Surprise reveal: The Death Note loser.
Dying Light 2, which is still about jumping on people and killing them in a sad world.
Chris "The Human Stretch Goal" Avellone shows up to explain that they gave him an absolute shitload of money to write the "Story" to a zombie game. CHOICES WILL HAVE CONSEQUENCES. Chris Avellone will remember that paycheck.
"You can make multiple choices, but they're all fascist and terrible. Our tree of choices and consequences allow you to shit on things in your own unique fashion."
Microsoft actually announces a fucking Battletoads sequel in the year of our lord 2018. (to be released in 2019.)
Just Cause 4. I still have to play 3. ... Jesus why is EVERY GAME SAD NOW. STOP BEING SAD, VIDEO GAMES. BE ABOUT COOL SHIT NOT SAD SHIT.
Gears of War. Wow, Mic... wait. This is chibi Funko Pop Gears of War. When I said "Stop being sad video games" I did not expect cutesy Gears of War. I did not expect them to step up. -- oh it's mobile. And then there's a tactics game on PC that looks like X-Com.
And there's the Gears 5 announcement. I don't care but man people are shouting out loud. Let's weaponize human misery some more.
Having the main character of Gears 5 being a lady named Kate with a short dark haircut and a fur collar in the snow makes me feel like this is the weirdest Syberia crossover.
Phil really sucks the air out of the room when he shows up. "EVERY ONE OF THESE plays best on Xbox. But you'll probably be able to play them on PC. And also PS4. But please buy an Xbox. ... You can't play any of it on Switch though. Suck it Nintendo."
At least he saved all the puffing and huffing and peacocking for the very end.
"We are COMMITTED to gobbling up EVERY STUDIO WE CAN." Topping EA on that.
Microsoft fakes a crash-to-desktop and plays ... CD Projekt Red logo... oh this is Cyberpunk 2077. All the hit cliches of a Gibson novel play out with no sign of actual gameplay. Yaaaay light applause.
So that was Microsoft. WOW that was pretty big.
HOPES
Master Chief PC? Nah.
Windows Store's a piece of shit? Not acknowledged.
Minecraft 2? Nope.
Lucky's Tale? No but we did get Tunic.
Indie games? Scads of them.
Ori 2 footage? YES AND IT'S GREAT.
Expectations
All largely met.
Hype: 8/10. Some REALLY strong stuff shown including Vesperia which I legit popped for, some weird unexpected stuff like Battletoads, and... a lot of very sad people being sad? That's a shame. I don't want sad video games. But as all of this is likely multiplatform I at least have a wide range of choice.
Thank you for reading this GIANT WALL OF TEXT. Bethesda later tonight, y'all. Prepare to clip.
I can't tell for sure and I don't want to make base accusations but I'm listening to the music loop on the Microsoft "Show Begins in an Hour" screen and I'm pretty sure at least some of it is a lady chanting "hate machine my hate machine my hate machine" before proceeding to talk about booty drops. The metaphoric construction is left as an exercise to the reader.
They've also chosen to refer to this as a "briefing", which A: Makes me feel like I'm being scouted for the Nation of Xboxica, and B: Is a shining silver lie because nothing at E3 has ever been brief.
We have GIANT X SIGN.
And they jump straight into the games. I was really hype for the lovely footage of nature and beauty they were showing and then it turned out to be Halo. HALO INFINITE. AN INFINITE RING OF HALOS HALOING EACH OTHER.
Happily I kinda like Halo but... that wasn't much to go on. It's big, it has Master Chef in it. Uh... okay sure. Yay Halo.
Phil whatsisname pumps up gamers for a while. Yay gamers. Gamers love each other like a community. Nobody look at Twitter please.
"We feel excitement in the air and danger on the seas." Only in platformers with one-hit-kill sea monsters.
They're going to show 50 games. Well, that's something. They're just gonna SPAM at us.
We kick RIGHT OFF with Ori so I like where this is going. This game is going to make me cry like a punched toddler. 2019 for that.
From Software makes a game about a samurai with a prosthetic arm. Bets on people complaining about that Battlefield lady with a prosthetic being historically inaccurate not caring about this dude?
TODD HOWARD CLIPS THROUGH THE STAGE LIVE AT MICROSOFT'S PRESSER
"We've got a history with Xbox, going all the way back to the original, Morrowind." Yes, Elder Scrolls 1, Morrowind.
Todd shows up to waggle Fallout 4 again (PSST TODD, THAT GAME'S OUT ALREADY, SIT DOWN) and Fallout 76. Let's see if it's an MMO.
Yaaaaay who knows that trailer told us nothing.
Squeenix shows off a new Life is Strange. Looks depressing, but also celebrates imagination. I'm probably gonna play it and feel bittersadwistful afterward. ... Oh and it's free on June 26. Okay awesome.
Terry Crews is still trapped in Crackdown 3. Please let him out. Please. It's been a year. ... Still, Terry Crews is one of the only men in America who can still make NBA Jam noises and it sounds okay.
Nier A Tomato comes to XboneX.
That Metro game from last year. Still disaster-porny as hell. Which I can't not approve of as someone who craves the destruction of all.
Phil has left the containment zone of the stage. This is not a drill. Remain in your seats, his vision is based on movement.
Phil: "GUYS WE GOT A JRPG! :D IT'S KINGDOM HEARTS! YOU GET TO PLAY KINGDOM HEARTS 3!" ... uhhh without the first bunch? good fuckin' luck, xboners.
GUMMI SHIPS RETURN CONFIRMED YEAHHHHHH
Sora is shocked Elsa can control ice. Dude you cast blizzard on a regular basis. ...and a last-second trailer reveal that makes my heart drop out.
Sea of Thieves. Isn't that out too? I don't care about this. Apparently this is the expansion that adds a story?
They decided to film the text crawl from a dozen miles away but I saw "german resistance" and "EA" and I bet... yeah, this is that Battlefield thing they said would cross over. It took me more time to type this than it did to run the trailer.
vroom vroom cars cars cars vroom vroom wow this takes a while to run. ... Okay the HOVERCRAFT was unexpected and got a pop.
Yeah they're gonna go on about Forza Horizon 4 for a while. I always kind of want these, because they're where all the Burnout dudes went. But I don't care THIS much about it.
...they're just introducing like sixteen people and it's all "WELCOME TO NAME WITH CAR AND HERE'S CAR MAN WITH CAR AND" oh because it's a shared MMO open world so people can just drive into you like assfucks all day long. Thanks, that's what I want in my car game, sentient asshole traffic.
"It's easy to interact with the people you meet." THAT'S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY I PLAY VIDEO GAMES
An open world that actually changes with seasonal stuff is kinda cool though. Like, I really like the concept.
CEO noises. best best gamers play investment franchises amplify gaming xbox xboxxboxboxbxoxboxoxx.
New game studio: The Initiative. Didn't Buffy fight them? Mergers happening on stage live as we watch. Ban this sick filth.
We Happy Few, a game about drug-induced mind control and enforced happiness. Whiiiich feels a touch on the nose here at E3.
Plunkbat. I like that "game is unfinished" is still in all the logos.
RETURN OF TALES OF VESPERIA OH GOD IT'S BACK IT HAS THE PS3 SHIT I'M FEELING EMOTIONS AND I DON'T KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH THEM
Okay thank god, Tom Clancy stuff, I can de-hype again. We're just back to vigorous NRA jacking.
And really faked up gamer chatter. No one playing an MMO has ever narrated like this.
(I would love to talk like this but I would be shouted off mike and then banned from every game simultaneously.)
"Hey gamers y'all have too many fucking games to play, right? Just assloads of games. What if you could have MORE GAMES on your backlog? Here's our subscription service, fuckers. CHOKE ON THE FIREHOSE."
FastStart. It... makes... games start better? Fast-fowards? I don't understand what this is.
I try not to make fun of the presenters but the poor lady on stage is audibly tripping over the words "XBOX GAMEPASS" every single time she tries to say it.
Giant indie game tornado dump. Most of the games that only show for 10 seconds are the ones I would actually buy and play. True facts.
Tomb Raider: Lara Croft Gets Real Sad Because She's Forced To Actually Raid Some Tombs. This is the one where she fucks up and finds an ancient artifact that shouldn't be found and spends the rest of the game dealing with issues of cultural appropriation which she deals with by shooting people.
....the depressing plot makes me sad because OTHERWISE this actually looks like the first reboot Tomb Raider that's ACTUALLY ABOUT EXPLORING TOMBS AND SOLVING PUZZLES.
Session. .... I don't know if it's Skate 4 but I'll take it.
Black Desert. Didn't I pass on this LAST YEAR?
Devil May Cry 5. Eh. They bring out the creator to loudly announce "DEE EM CEE IS BACK" and get a huge pop, so I guess that's... good?
Cuphead Expansion. We're into the "for people who like unforgiving games" portion I guess.
Tiny fox is back! Hello tiny fox I love you! Tunic it's called and it's so precious and I love it and I love him.
Phil smugly announces that Tiny Fox is captivating people and it was made by only one guy in Nova Scotia. Smuuuuuug but he's not wrong. Except where he thinks people are using Mixer ever. Fuck off into the ocean Mixer.
God, they have a LOT OF GAMES though I'll give them that.
Namco-Bandai does their own Shonen Jump crossover game. Naruto vs Freiza vs Luffy vs Goku. "We couldn't get in Smash so we're having our own goddamn Smash." Surprise reveal: The Death Note loser.
Dying Light 2, which is still about jumping on people and killing them in a sad world.
Chris "The Human Stretch Goal" Avellone shows up to explain that they gave him an absolute shitload of money to write the "Story" to a zombie game. CHOICES WILL HAVE CONSEQUENCES. Chris Avellone will remember that paycheck.
"You can make multiple choices, but they're all fascist and terrible. Our tree of choices and consequences allow you to shit on things in your own unique fashion."
Microsoft actually announces a fucking Battletoads sequel in the year of our lord 2018. (to be released in 2019.)
Just Cause 4. I still have to play 3. ... Jesus why is EVERY GAME SAD NOW. STOP BEING SAD, VIDEO GAMES. BE ABOUT COOL SHIT NOT SAD SHIT.
Gears of War. Wow, Mic... wait. This is chibi Funko Pop Gears of War. When I said "Stop being sad video games" I did not expect cutesy Gears of War. I did not expect them to step up. -- oh it's mobile. And then there's a tactics game on PC that looks like X-Com.
And there's the Gears 5 announcement. I don't care but man people are shouting out loud. Let's weaponize human misery some more.
Having the main character of Gears 5 being a lady named Kate with a short dark haircut and a fur collar in the snow makes me feel like this is the weirdest Syberia crossover.
Phil really sucks the air out of the room when he shows up. "EVERY ONE OF THESE plays best on Xbox. But you'll probably be able to play them on PC. And also PS4. But please buy an Xbox. ... You can't play any of it on Switch though. Suck it Nintendo."
At least he saved all the puffing and huffing and peacocking for the very end.
"We are COMMITTED to gobbling up EVERY STUDIO WE CAN." Topping EA on that.
Microsoft fakes a crash-to-desktop and plays ... CD Projekt Red logo... oh this is Cyberpunk 2077. All the hit cliches of a Gibson novel play out with no sign of actual gameplay. Yaaaay light applause.
So that was Microsoft. WOW that was pretty big.
HOPES
Master Chief PC? Nah.
Windows Store's a piece of shit? Not acknowledged.
Minecraft 2? Nope.
Lucky's Tale? No but we did get Tunic.
Indie games? Scads of them.
Ori 2 footage? YES AND IT'S GREAT.
Expectations
All largely met.
Hype: 8/10. Some REALLY strong stuff shown including Vesperia which I legit popped for, some weird unexpected stuff like Battletoads, and... a lot of very sad people being sad? That's a shame. I don't want sad video games. But as all of this is likely multiplatform I at least have a wide range of choice.
Thank you for reading this GIANT WALL OF TEXT. Bethesda later tonight, y'all. Prepare to clip.
