Recordkeeping: Ongoing - The Crew
Sep. 14th, 2016 11:22 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
xyzzysqrlSo, "The Crew" was free on the Ubisoft store and I was like "eh why not, free is free". It's some sort of always-online car racing thing and they appear to have attached a plot to it. I sent some IMs to a friend about the plot, and their reaction made me decide to preserve them here. So:
Your character is Hipster Gordon Freeman. He's got enormous thick black glasses and a smug-ass beard. Sadly he is not a Silent Main Character because Troy Baker needed a paycheck this week.
He has a brother called Bro Bro probably. Bro Bro runs a gang that's REALLY INTO cars called the 10:50 or the 10|50 or the Kingdom Hearts Ten Days Over Fifty or some damn thing. I mean they are SUPER into cars, like they call themselves/each other by the names of engines (V4, V8) and I think they're into dressing up like cars and fucking each other. That's what people do in fandoms right?
Anyway Bro Bro dies, and Hipster Gordon Freeman is framed for it, so he's offered a deal by the FBI: Infiltrate the carfuckers. So the tough but good-hearted lady from the FBI takes you out and buys you a new car.
At this point I ignored the tutorial mission objective that was like THE POLICE WANT YOU TO... and instantly started driving as fast as I could away from them, so I have no idea what the FBI wants because fuck that I'm going to Florida.
[TEN MINUTES PASS]
Oh shit. The FBI has the technology to make the screen go black and teleport you back to the middle of Detroit. FBI teleportation technology is ADVANCED. Okay fine I'll do your damn tutorial.
Okay so the tutorial is just a race against Gruff But Fair FBI Lady and she's like "WE NEED YOU TO JOIN YOUR EX-BROTHER'S GANG" and the main character says something sarcastic I didn't care to remember and it turns out that there's a bunch of crooked people in the FBI and the only way this plot can happen is if a smug hipster white dude gets in with the 25:75s because god damn these people love their cars. Also we're not allowed to kill the brother-murderer who now runs the gang and is USING IT FOR EVIL INSTEAD OF CARS, and we're also not allowed to kill the old fat FBI dude who framed us, so like why are we even here.
I wonder if we can Speed Racer their asses over a guard-rail and into the ocean while nobody is watching.
Also I am now earning new car parts with statistics attached to them and shit I think this is legit an MMORPG?! Like, I'm equipping loot and it wants me to form a party and there's a section in the menu marked "RAID CARS". Raid cars?! Am I gonna have to fight a dragon in my Ford Whatever? Because ... because if there are dragons in this game I need a car with a bigger back seat.
Anyway that's as much as I can play right now because it's not done installing (awful nice of it to let me play the tutorial while it downloads more?) so that's the end of this spam festival.
END IM BARRAGE.
Your character is Hipster Gordon Freeman. He's got enormous thick black glasses and a smug-ass beard. Sadly he is not a Silent Main Character because Troy Baker needed a paycheck this week.
He has a brother called Bro Bro probably. Bro Bro runs a gang that's REALLY INTO cars called the 10:50 or the 10|50 or the Kingdom Hearts Ten Days Over Fifty or some damn thing. I mean they are SUPER into cars, like they call themselves/each other by the names of engines (V4, V8) and I think they're into dressing up like cars and fucking each other. That's what people do in fandoms right?
Anyway Bro Bro dies, and Hipster Gordon Freeman is framed for it, so he's offered a deal by the FBI: Infiltrate the carfuckers. So the tough but good-hearted lady from the FBI takes you out and buys you a new car.
At this point I ignored the tutorial mission objective that was like THE POLICE WANT YOU TO... and instantly started driving as fast as I could away from them, so I have no idea what the FBI wants because fuck that I'm going to Florida.
[TEN MINUTES PASS]
Oh shit. The FBI has the technology to make the screen go black and teleport you back to the middle of Detroit. FBI teleportation technology is ADVANCED. Okay fine I'll do your damn tutorial.
Okay so the tutorial is just a race against Gruff But Fair FBI Lady and she's like "WE NEED YOU TO JOIN YOUR EX-BROTHER'S GANG" and the main character says something sarcastic I didn't care to remember and it turns out that there's a bunch of crooked people in the FBI and the only way this plot can happen is if a smug hipster white dude gets in with the 25:75s because god damn these people love their cars. Also we're not allowed to kill the brother-murderer who now runs the gang and is USING IT FOR EVIL INSTEAD OF CARS, and we're also not allowed to kill the old fat FBI dude who framed us, so like why are we even here.
I wonder if we can Speed Racer their asses over a guard-rail and into the ocean while nobody is watching.
Also I am now earning new car parts with statistics attached to them and shit I think this is legit an MMORPG?! Like, I'm equipping loot and it wants me to form a party and there's a section in the menu marked "RAID CARS". Raid cars?! Am I gonna have to fight a dragon in my Ford Whatever? Because ... because if there are dragons in this game I need a car with a bigger back seat.
Anyway that's as much as I can play right now because it's not done installing (awful nice of it to let me play the tutorial while it downloads more?) so that's the end of this spam festival.
END IM BARRAGE.
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no subject
Date: 2016-09-14 07:17 pm (UTC)Weird to have an entire MMO gated behind behind an unbeatable tutorial but I guess if you can't pass the test you can't expect to drive.
no subject
Date: 2016-09-15 04:22 am (UTC)That may or may not help.
no subject
Date: 2016-09-14 10:30 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2016-09-15 04:22 am (UTC)