Impossible Request: Be Yourself
Aug. 31st, 2015 01:41 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
xyzzysqrlI went down to the Massachusetts Registry of Motor Vehicles today to obtain myself one genuine state identification card, suitable for things like "Obtaining Mass Health benefits and other insurance", "Registering to vote against Donald Trump", "Reminding me who I am when I forget" and other such sundry purposes and uses for which it is handy to have an ID card.
This failed. My documentation is invalid. My out of state IDs are invalid because they are expired. My birth certificate is invalid because it comes from a hospital, not city hall. My signature is invalid because I write "Gordy" instead of "Gordon", and as I have never signed any document with my Legally Binding Truerunes this is unacceptable.
In spite of residing in this state for something along the lines of 14 years, I am still an unperson who does not actually live here. I could handle that except I would really like that ID card. So. How do I produce documentation that doesn't exist?
Birth Certificate - My mother was quite clear on the subject: The hospital certficate is the only one she's ever seen. That's all right. Even if it doesn't actually exist, the Maryland State Department of Vital Records will provide me with a brand new freshly printed birth certificate (far more legally binding than a junky old one I've had for 33 years) if I provide them valid state-issued photo ID, or various other signed documents, including a letter from the government of another state asking me for an official birth certificate.
Hm. I'll have to irritate the Massachusetts state government into writing me a letter then.
[EDIT] On the suggestion of a bunni I phoned my mother on this one. She's familiar with the place, as it issues death certificates as well. She'll be hitting that on Wednesday. That's a partial success!
Signature - Clearly I'll just have to start signing things Gordon. The earliest chance to do that is the lease renewal forms, which I'll have to have them change my name on before they print. This at least is simple.
But wait: I have to use the lease form for proof of residency, to show that I DO live in MA. This was the one part of the documents they actually accepted, but if I use it to prove my signature it becomes invalid for proving residency, as Hammurabi chistled in the ancient codex of law. Let's see what else they accept, according to the site...
"Current OR expired ID with photograph and applicant's signature issued by a state (or state agency)..." Why, that's exactly what I had!
It's almost like this entire process is bullshit or something. Well, perhaps it will work if I simply present it a second time. Trying things twice always works well with government agencies.
Nonexpired Picture ID Card - This is going to be the difficult one. First I'll have to find someone who looks somewhat but not entirely like me and steal their ID. Then I'll have to find a black marker and carefully draw a mustache on the picture on their ID card. Next I'll need a black cat, from which I will collect hair to fashion into a dark mustache. Wearing the mustache will render me indistinguishable from the ID photo, which I'll show briefly before tucking it back in my pocket.
If they ask to see that one a second time, I'll say no.
I have no reason to believe this will end badly.
This failed. My documentation is invalid. My out of state IDs are invalid because they are expired. My birth certificate is invalid because it comes from a hospital, not city hall. My signature is invalid because I write "Gordy" instead of "Gordon", and as I have never signed any document with my Legally Binding Truerunes this is unacceptable.
In spite of residing in this state for something along the lines of 14 years, I am still an unperson who does not actually live here. I could handle that except I would really like that ID card. So. How do I produce documentation that doesn't exist?
Birth Certificate - My mother was quite clear on the subject: The hospital certficate is the only one she's ever seen. That's all right. Even if it doesn't actually exist, the Maryland State Department of Vital Records will provide me with a brand new freshly printed birth certificate (far more legally binding than a junky old one I've had for 33 years) if I provide them valid state-issued photo ID, or various other signed documents, including a letter from the government of another state asking me for an official birth certificate.
Hm. I'll have to irritate the Massachusetts state government into writing me a letter then.
[EDIT] On the suggestion of a bunni I phoned my mother on this one. She's familiar with the place, as it issues death certificates as well. She'll be hitting that on Wednesday. That's a partial success!
Signature - Clearly I'll just have to start signing things Gordon. The earliest chance to do that is the lease renewal forms, which I'll have to have them change my name on before they print. This at least is simple.
But wait: I have to use the lease form for proof of residency, to show that I DO live in MA. This was the one part of the documents they actually accepted, but if I use it to prove my signature it becomes invalid for proving residency, as Hammurabi chistled in the ancient codex of law. Let's see what else they accept, according to the site...
"Current OR expired ID with photograph and applicant's signature issued by a state (or state agency)..." Why, that's exactly what I had!
It's almost like this entire process is bullshit or something. Well, perhaps it will work if I simply present it a second time. Trying things twice always works well with government agencies.
Nonexpired Picture ID Card - This is going to be the difficult one. First I'll have to find someone who looks somewhat but not entirely like me and steal their ID. Then I'll have to find a black marker and carefully draw a mustache on the picture on their ID card. Next I'll need a black cat, from which I will collect hair to fashion into a dark mustache. Wearing the mustache will render me indistinguishable from the ID photo, which I'll show briefly before tucking it back in my pocket.
If they ask to see that one a second time, I'll say no.
I have no reason to believe this will end badly.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2015-09-02 12:10 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2015-08-31 06:59 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2015-08-31 07:03 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2015-08-31 07:08 pm (UTC)("A shadowy flight into the world of a sqrl.. who does not exist.")
Weird that there's that distinction between types of birth certificate. I'd be screwed - I know I saw mine, but that was ages and many moves ago. And I was a home birth, too, though evidently, there was some kind of record, filled out by hand, IIRC.
no subject
Date: 2015-08-31 08:16 pm (UTC)*headdesk repeatedly*
no subject
Date: 2015-08-31 08:36 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2015-08-31 08:39 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2015-08-31 09:29 pm (UTC)(Zero sarcasm, 100% sincere. It's hard to tell with text.)
no subject
Date: 2015-08-31 10:25 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2015-08-31 10:31 pm (UTC)Still: "Do the opposite of everything I did" and "Don't move to a different state and fuck about for 14 years, leaving your home as little as possible because you hate and fear social contact" are... maybe helpful?
no subject
Date: 2015-09-01 02:15 am (UTC)Because, you know. It's not a secret. Someone else having a copy is like someone having a copy of the deed to your property -- all they can use it for is to prove that you own it.
no subject
Date: 2015-09-01 11:52 pm (UTC)