Depressing RL things again.
Aug. 6th, 2015 04:51 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
xyzzysqrlMore about my father. Careful if you're sensitive.
So yesterday I had what... will almost certainly be my last conversation with my father, over the phone. He sounds bad. Incredibly bad. Wheezing, croaking. I couldn't understand half of what he said, and the phone connection didn't help. Nor did the cacophony in the background as caretakers, my mother, and probably some relatives and family friends bustled around.
One thing I heard clearly was him telling me: "Never get old. Gordy, never get this old. It hurts."
I never intended to, honestly. I think of him, cancer spread to six or seven parts of his body, and I can't think of anything I want less than to get old. For once we are in complete agreement. It took this long but we finally found a thing we're 100% together on.
Then I went to bed and dreamed that a great tyrant was overthrown and people I knew from my childhood were trying to return to a normal life.
Thanks, subconscious. I guess.
So yesterday I had what... will almost certainly be my last conversation with my father, over the phone. He sounds bad. Incredibly bad. Wheezing, croaking. I couldn't understand half of what he said, and the phone connection didn't help. Nor did the cacophony in the background as caretakers, my mother, and probably some relatives and family friends bustled around.
One thing I heard clearly was him telling me: "Never get old. Gordy, never get this old. It hurts."
I never intended to, honestly. I think of him, cancer spread to six or seven parts of his body, and I can't think of anything I want less than to get old. For once we are in complete agreement. It took this long but we finally found a thing we're 100% together on.
Then I went to bed and dreamed that a great tyrant was overthrown and people I knew from my childhood were trying to return to a normal life.
Thanks, subconscious. I guess.
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no subject
Date: 2015-08-07 12:25 am (UTC)* if welcome.
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Date: 2015-08-06 12:26 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2015-08-06 05:10 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2015-08-06 08:04 pm (UTC)I'm sorry too. Though I am... intrigued by that dream thing. :P
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Date: 2015-08-06 08:46 pm (UTC)Lately we've gotten along better, but it doesn't change things much. I've already mentally adjusted to his death because of the years I spent -wishing- he were dead. My grief is because he's in agony. No one deserves this kind of pain and suffering.
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Date: 2015-08-06 09:19 pm (UTC)But I'm really sorry how things were and have been, and sorry for the pain, and sorry for your loss.
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Date: 2015-08-06 09:24 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2015-08-06 09:26 pm (UTC)*more hugs*
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Date: 2015-08-20 03:17 pm (UTC)Cancers are a scourge. Not that there are particularly any good ways of dying, given the outcome, but the prolonged nature of the decline, and the pain, ameliorated to some extent by opiates..