Bad news.

[xyzzysqrl]

I dunno how to start writing this. I kinda need to though. This is not a light or funny piece. This is dead serious and it's gonna be hard for me to write. Please just breeze on by if you want something light. I'm probably going to start playing a Nancy Drew game in... I don't know. A while maybe. Wait for that.

It helps if I just say it up front.

My father has three different types of cancer. Bone, liver, prostate. He has maybe six months to live.

I have no idea how to feel about this. I'm sad. I am, I cried. I cried on the phone while he was telling me. Except for the one part. The part where he said "All I've ever wanted was to raise you properly. All I ever wanted was to raise you right."

"You did." I told him. "I'm happ--"

"Nah." he interrupted. And moved on to telling me about his treatment. Which I didn't hear most of because I was absolutely fucking furious. I'm trying very hard not to make HIM dying of cancer about ME, but... Really? ...no, I can't even get into this right now.

I've known for years I'm a disappointment to him. But I can't make him the bad guy in a post about him dying. Maybe he just has doubts. I sure do. I might've misunderstood.

I'm going back to Maryland to see him in January because I should. Because I should see both parents, really. He mentioned "oh and I drove your mother to the hospital after another heart attack" casually in passing and all I could say was "...another?" ...neither of them is doing well.

I don't know how to unpack this, mentally. I only found out a couple hours ago and ...

It's not going to change how I live. Not in any way. But this is a thing that's happening and I can't ignore it. If I'm acting funny the next few days, this is why. Please be patient.

Thank you.

Comments

[glashund]

Shit... I'm sorry.

[xyzzysqrl]

Yep.
I acknowledge your sorry. I don't have much productive to say, but I'm glad you're there.

[silveradept]

Wow, that's tough. Really tough. I hope you have support as you need it through this.

[xyzzysqrl]

I'm gonna be okay. Things are gonna be okay, eventually.

[houraipeach]

Gyeesh. Parents.... just.... damn, I don't have words. Just know I'm here if you need to decompress, or vent, or just yell at somebody who won't make judgments.

[indicoyote]

*hugs tightly* I'm so sorry. :\

[xyzzysqrl]

*hug back* It'll be okay.

[phoenixtril]

Omigods. I'm so sorry. That's awful news.

[xyzzysqrl]

Yeah, it really is. Thank you, though. *hug*

[rubrquun]

Fuck. This kind of stuff is hard enough without the interpersonal complications. *hug*

[momentrabbit]

Ack. I... yeah. Wow. Arg. o.o

[zx3]

I'm so sorry, Xyzzy. *hugs*

[austin-dern.livejournal.com]

...

I'm so sorry. I can't imagine what you're going through, much less your parents.

I want to help.

[xyzzysqrl]

I don't think there's much to help.
This will get worse. A lot worse. And then it will start to get better.

I don't have much of a time frame on those though.

[read-alicia.livejournal.com]

Again, so many sympathies for the squeeze you're in now. You deserve better than to be accused at this time, and they deserve better than to suffer with these awful medical catastrophes.

Whatever happens, we'll be thinking of you a lot.

[xyzzysqrl]

Thank you for the support. Knowing things will improve and people are here for me has made this much less overwhelming.

[daemonsorceress.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

[xyzzysqrl]

...Hi! Do I actually know you? Not that the sentiment's unappreciated...

[daemonsorceress.livejournal.com]

No you don't, or at least you don't yet.

I found you from Bhagpuss' blog roll.

I agree with Sean's sentiments though, if possibly try to get things sorted whilst they're still alive. If things go well it's so much easier. And if closure is denied due to curmudgeonly behavior, then hopefully you're not much worse off than you are now.

[xyzzysqrl]

I am 100% okay with you sticking around, and your own journal's interesting. I'm sad we met under these circumstances, but yeah. I am trying to work up a good reply to Sean and I got nothing at current time.

[daemonsorceress.livejournal.com]

Thanks *hugs*

It's fine to have nothing for a good reply just now. He can read that here and know that you're trying.

I'm glad to know that your team of sqrl specialists are looking after you also.

My journal is purely my dreams, I don't get to have those adventures for real, unfortunately.

[phennphawcks.livejournal.com]

Wow, I really have no idea what to say to that. I'm sorry doesn't seem adequate. At all.

[sean smith (from livejournal.com)]

I'm just random internet person, so feel free to ignore what me...

I've lost both of my parents, one of whom I had a very bad relationship with, the other to cancer, and maybe my scars can help you a little.

Firstly: this is about the worst thing you are going to go through, possibly ever. Allow yourself - permit yourself - to feel shit, to feel grumpy, to feel scared, to feel angry, to feel terrified, to feel whatever. They're valid and important emotions, and better to own them than, like my sister, to say 'I'll enter therapy when they're dead'.

Secondly: you only get one set of parents, and when they're gone, they're gone for good. Don't let things *you* need to say, or do, be unsaid because of anger over who they are or how they've treated you. If I've got one regret, it's continuing my feud with my father - which I still fully believe I was right to start - until the point where it was too late to talk to him about it. I fully understand anger towards parents, but that sound you're hearing: that's the clarion announcing the boat is about to depart, and there's no return journey. For your sake - for your future wellbeing's sake - seek closure now, while it's available. I hate the closure word, it's so horribly californian, but it's the right one here: don't get caught thinking 'why didn't I say that to him when I could?'

Thirdly, and finally: you have my deepest sympathy: losing your parents is desperately hard; losing them when they're far away even harder; and when you still have live, unresolved issues with them the hardest. As we say here in the Netherlands: sterkte!

[juliansinger.livejournal.com]

Meanwhile, I have a partner whose family tried to force a rapprochement with her mother while/because her uncle was dying. (Like, on his deathbed.)

This was, to understate, not a good idea.

So basically, /my/ message is, it's also more than OK to leave things unsaid, it that's better/simpler/less psychodramaish/what have you.

[xyzzysqrl]

Yeah, from what I know of said partner's situation that is/was a gross misstep and painfully misguided.

Things are not that bad here, but not that bad MOSTLY because of a Respectful Distance. Gonna have to see what happens. (See below reply to Soulshrapnel for more.)

[juliansinger.livejournal.com]

Well, that'd piss /me/ right the fuck off, in case you think you're weird.

It's OK to be angry. As well as worried and concerned and guilty and everything else.

Also: Augh, fuck cancer.

[xyzzysqrl]

"Fuck Cancer" is 100% my first reaction. I tried not to actually blurt that out on the phone. And thanks.

[juliansinger.livejournal.com]

Heh. My parents hate swearing, but I think they'd forgive me if I was hearing news like that from them. Oy.

(And, you're welcome.)

[soulshrapnel.livejournal.com]

Wow. I am so sorry.

I don't know if you like hugs but I have *hugs* if you want any?

I don't talk about it much but we are estranged from our parents over here - it very recently went from an unofficial "okay let's just keep quiet and think of all the excuses not to visit or talk much" to an official "I'm sorry but this is bullshit and I can't come and visit you anymore." (We didn't say the word "bullshit" out loud.)

If I got a call tomorrow and heard that one of them was dying then I... just... wow. I have no fucking idea what I would be doing or feeling.

(though it might start with hitting on the head for all the people saying "reconcile with them right now at all costs" but then again, maybe not, this is beyond my experience in so many ways.)

HUGS MORE

[xyzzysqrl]

I think the people advising RECONCILE AT ALL COSTS either cannot imagine it being so bad it's not worth coming back from, or have a strong sense of narrative, that this is where the make-up happens so things can have a happy ending.

I'm going to put out some feelers, but I'm sure not going to go all-in heaven-or-hell MUST MAKE THINGS BETTER.

Hugs are welcome. Thank you. Like I keep sayin', things will get worse and then they'll get better. The world I live in right now is so much better, so much richer than my father has any idea of. I can live without his approval if need be.