More Blathering About Philosophy and Food

[xyzzysqrl]

I had a startling revelation while out getting breakfast and drinks today.

The local deli has a rack of sandwiches, fries, and other edible brickabrack set out along one side of the counter, for people to grab if they don't feel like asking for someone human to cook their food while they wait. I was eyeing this rack, which today had some buffalo wings set out on it. There was an order of four and an order of eighteen.

It occurred to me that four wings is an appetizer, something you'd eat and go "Mmm. Now for the real food." Whereas eighteen was a meal in itself, after which you would be really sick of buffalo wings. Obviously eighteen buffalo wings isn't an appetizer to most solo eaters. If you wanted to share a light snack of buffalo wings and ordered the eighteen, you'd better have a friend along.

Suddenly three things came to me.

A: They need a size of buffalo wing between four and eighteen, they really do.
B: This is the core primal of loneliness. Either you can have too little or too much, or you can have a friend along and get just enough. People are lonely because someone has to eat the rest of the buffalo wings.
C: I should not be allowed to stand around thinking in the deli under any circumstances.

In any event, now I have solved loneliness and you're all invited out to eat. (You drive.)

Comments

[jaeix.livejournal.com]

People are lonely because someone has to eat the rest of the buffalo wings.

You win. You win my buffalo wings! We'll eat them and play strategy RPGs we can't hope to win at! Our buffalo-y fingers will make us push wrong buttons and we'll be like "NO, you fool!" and someone will DIE, then get resurrected and then we'll be like, "But he died," so we'll ignore him for the rest of the game, and we'll do this a lot, so our entire party will be wiped out before we hit buffalo wing #17.

[xyzzysqrl]

Dude.

And then we can be all like "We need MORE MONEY." so we'll go to the character recruiter thingie and find more characters and be all like "Hey, baby, y'wanna touch my NPCs?" and they'll be like "YES/OK!" and we'll invite them into the Party Wagon.

And then we'll mug them for their starting equipment and kick their asses out on the street NAKED and sell their stuff!

[jaeix.livejournal.com]

And then we'll go fight the bosses by ourselves with nothing but healing herbs strapped to our bodies! And the boss will be like, "WTF," and we'll go "Down with THE MAN!" We'll be totally alone, only not, because buffalo wings!

[xyzzysqrl]

Aaand then (AND THEN AND THEN AND THEN) the boss will punch us and the characters will EXPLODE. And a pretty $30,000 cutscene will pop up showing us EXPLODING from thirty three different consecutive angles. And then Hideo Kojima will reveal it was all just a dream sequence that took place when a cardboard box was dreaming about the future in the past, making it eeriely present-day!

Then we can put the wing bones in the box and stop playing Metal Gear and go back to Madcap Strategy RPG Happy Fun Time Yay Adventure World Land Place Tablecloth Thing.

[jaeix.livejournal.com]

But we'll never find the end of MSRPGHFTYAWLPTT, because we keep ignoring the NPC with the directions, because he totally died, and we're not into talking to ghosts, man. In fact, we knee the NPC every chance we get!

Instead, we'll become embroiled in the 1283901545 side-plots of the game and sadly lose our purpose to heavy healing herb abuse and frantic gambling to obtain the bunny suit! (Which you know has a portal to the end boss. Also, we check all the buckets in the entire world, and become known as the Bucket Brigadiers!)

[xyzzysqrl]

I'm TOTALLY all for not talking to the guy who died EVER and kneeing him where appropriate, because dying totally removes you from polite society.

And you -know- we are the frickin' CROWN of polite society.

So we'd be roaming the world on horseback, NPCback, and giant purple dinosaurback! Bravely going "Bah!" at fair maidens! Working to assist handsome dragons in slaying the fair maidens! Repeatedly saying "No!" to choices you can only answer "Yes!" to!

I wonder if manipulating probability by savestating and resetting violently every thirty seconds in casinos is outlawed anywhere. We could go on the run from the hopelessly ineffective castle guard, which consists of two guys named Skippy. This could be a plot point. Or not.

[jaeix.livejournal.com]

The Bucket Brigadiers care not for what is or is not outlawed! (Plus, we need those bunny suits!) So we'd roam in bunny suits, with buckets, offering to knee ghosts for extra money, but if we stay too long, Skippy and Skippy Mk. II will catch up and welcome us to Corneria! At which point, boss battle music will begin, and we will fling the bodies of our dead party at Skippy and Kippers! This is, as we all know, the only thing good that Basso the Boxman ever did.

[xyzzysqrl]

Basso the Boxman. Martyr for the cause of... ...something. Hell if I know. Martyr for the cause of letting us chuck crap at people. Like him. Yay for Basso.

Luckily, by defeating Skippy and Yppiks using only some poor bastard's body we could unlock the SEKRIT DOOD. He's a mute brooding gothy little guy covered in pastel yellow scales who speaks only in a combination of interpretive dance, pottery, and skateboarding. We can make him date the main character.

[jaeix.livejournal.com]

But if they fall in love, the world will end, because that's what gothy, tragic, scaly love gets you. And so, after endless hours of gambling and bunny-suit wearing, we are convinced we've come to the final boss and try desperately to murder our own party character!

But he won't die!

So, we go and let level one foofenslimes hit him until he does.

And then we ignore him!

And the world doesn't end! But we're out of buffalo wings.

[xyzzysqrl]

...You WIN. You win EVERYTHING. Including the last buffalo wing and your choice of tawdry yaoi/yuri-bait character to gawk at.

Rocks Fall, Everybody Dies?

[jaeix.livejournal.com]

Amen!

THE END.

[phennphawcks.livejournal.com]

Aaaaaaaaand.... I GET TO DRIVE!

[rosycat.livejournal.com]

You're the coolest philosopher I know :)

Especially when you folks get going :)

...Wish I could drive, cuz now I'm *hungry*.

I love that story! *g*