Sonic Adventure 2 - FINALE
Nov. 20th, 2013 01:35 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
xyzzysqrlOne episode remains: Episode Final. Let's get this wrapped up tonight, huh? This one's gonna be kinda cutscene-heavy. As a note, the writing/translation is a little awkward in this episode (and the whole game) so what I'm writing here is my interpretation of events depicted. I'm including links to the scenes so you can form your own opinion, if you care to.
Thank goodness for Youtube. We start out where the Dark ending left off: Eggman trying to figure out what the heck that alarm noise is all about. Sonic and Knuckles meanwhile just want to know why the station keeps shaking. Rouge can answer that question, sounding unusally resigned: The ARK is falling into the atmosphere at an incredible speed.
We cut away to Earth so we can see what the ARK is broadcasting as it falls: What appears to be the last words of Gerald Robotnik, scientist, creator, goddamn loon. While chained to a chair in what looks like an asylum he rasps that in half an hour every human being on the planet will die, it's his doing, and it's his revenge. From offscreen someone asks if he's done, then orders a firing squad to ready. The video promptly loops, so I assume this is the point where they executed him.
This shit got DARK all of a sudden, didn't it? None of the Sonic crew quite know WHAT to make of this, until Eggman strolls in to smug about how awesome his Grandfather was. Grandad Robotnik might actually manage to kill off all human life! He passes Rouge the old man's diary, and the game becomes a weird visual novel for a moment as random words she reads float across the screen.
As the story goes, Gerald was working to create the Ultimate Life Form, and the military really didn't like that at all. They invaded the ARK and killed basically everyone, including his granddaughter Maria. With her loss, Gerald snapped and started in on an even more dangerous biological weapon. (As a side note, the writing here could be effective, but "I got scared as I was no longer able to control my thoughts"? YOU CAN'T JUST HAVE CHARACTERS ANNOUNCE HOW THEY FEEL! THAT MAKES ME FEEL ANGRY!)
That weapon was Shadow, designed to have a perfect, pure mind, and to destroy the world. ... Which is cool and all, but EGGMAN wants to conquer-and-or-destroy the world. It's HIS job. Not his grandfather's. Is there any way to stop Gerald's revenge upon the Earth? The team pull up some blueprints and sketch out a plan: Get Sonic and Knuckles to the core of the space station, have Knuckles use the Master Emerald to stop the energy emitted by the Chaos Emeralds, thus preventing the ARK from smashing into the planet.
Off we go to the Final Stage: Cannon Core. This is the last dance, so everybody gets out on the floor. First off Tails stomps through a series of security hallways to get to a security door, following Eggman's instructions. Once that's blown up, Eggman takes over and does the same, clearing a path through the station. Rouge takes over from there, and her section is all about getting the fluid in the Core drained out so it's accessable. Once the core is drained, Knuckles swims through the cooling fluid --
-- And there I get stuck, for an hour or two. Knuckles just can't get through this section fast enough to live. He keeps drowning long before I reach my goal, and there just aren't any air bubbles. Frustrated, I turn to a FAQ. Turns out there's a practically-required hidden item, the "Air Necklace", which allows unlimited breathing. ("Unlimited breathing" sounds so weird.) I stage-select back to the mines and pick that up.
Okay, here we go again... Tails, to Eggman, to Rouge, to Knuckles ... Did I mention if you lose all your lives in any section of this, you have to start from the beginning again? Anyway, I swim down there, and finally I can throw the switches...
... I... can... uh. ... I... uhm. Mhrmf.
They're not here.
There is a brief pause while I wonder where my life has gone wrong, and then I start exploring. It turns out if you IGNORE the instructions that the switch you need is underwater, go through an unrelated hallway, throw a switch that stops time to get past a laser barrier, break through the floor, and use a spring to launch yourself to a zipline in the ceiling, you can throw ANOTHER switch that opens a door somewhere underwater so you can swim through THAT to a totally different and unrelated underwater area where you need to stop time AGAIN and swim through strong current, then swim down through a long tunnel filled with lasers, stop time AGAIN and swim through MORE strong current past some MORE lasers to the switch you need.
I mean. Obviously.
Finally it is Sonic's turn to shine! With all the security doors open, he can rush to the core. Or that's the plan, anyway. Between the aliens (where did these come from anyway? More bioweapon experiments?), moving floors, laser barriers, and blind-alley cliffs... it's back to the start for me repeatedly. Tails-Eggman-Rouge-Knuckles-Sonic, over and over again. I've gotta say, Sonic 2006's legendary nutslapper final stage "End of the World" was MUCH easier than this is. That one only took me three hours, this is verging on a four and a half slog of masochism. But I will not be defeated.
I'm THIS CLOSE to the ending, damnit, I'm not stopping NOW.
Eventually I figure out how not to fall in the pit when defeating that one hovering alien so the door'll unlock, I use the light speed attack to clear out the exploding minions, I figure out the waterslide, and I finish Cannon's Core. Now... please tell me if there's a final boss I don't have to do this level over. I may snap and try to crash the ISS into Japan.
My reward for finishing that level? A cutscene featuring Amy.
Excuse me, I have to weep.
Okay, okay. Amy shows up and realizes she has to do SOMETHING, so she goes to harass Shadow into saving the world. Shadow is nihilistic, shrugging that there's no way or reason to save anyone. Amy...
I can't describe what Amy is doing. Her body language is somewhere between "desperate need to pee" and "Woody's Roundup Cast Member", with a sidestop in Garry's Mod. While her limbs twitch awkwardly and her legs bend at unnatural angles, her Power of Friendship speech manages to strike the right combination of keywords to unlock Shadow's memories of Maria. Maria, it turns out, actually LIKED Earth and didn't want it to be destroyed. Shadow performs a 180-degree kickflip to face-turn and charges off to save the world.
Meanwhile, down in the core, Sonic and Knuckles are attacked by floating holograms of Gerald Robotnik's head. However, seconds later, a new horror appears. The Prototype Ultimate Life Form: Biolizard. The most dangerous thing in space. The... It...
It looks like a salamander fucked a football. I am not impressed.
Much to my surprise, Pigskin Kaiju here actually gets his own surprisingly laid back trance-y rock theme music. "Supporting Me" is the best music from this game that I had never heard of previously. Why don't y'all enjoy that and I'll be back in a bit?
The way to beat The Ultimate Derp Muffin is this: Run away. He will spiral around after you going "BLAALALALALA" and barfing up balls of dark energon. When he stops, you rail-grind up the side of his face and attack his enormous glowing weak spot. All monsters must have at least one giant glowing weak spot. When you hit it, he will make a noise like you just pushed a hairbrush up a panther's butthole. Then you repeat until he whacks you with his tail and the weird polygon edges shove you off a cliff or through his body and you die and you have to start over.
After you've dodged and hit him enough, he will roar and fill the air with red floating bubbles. Attacking these isn't any stupider than the LAST plan you tried, so why not do that? Then you bounce up and whack him in the back again. Thank goodness for OSHA-mandated glowing weak spots.
Cutscene time! Warning: This video goes all the way to the end of the game, including the boss fight.
Sonic and Knuckles plant the Master Emerald, and Knuckles ... gives it a speech about how the Chaos Emeralds are the Server, and the Master Emerald is the Controller, and oh shit I get it he's setting up a parallel bus SCSI chain. Knuckles' Sysadmin-Fu is strong, and he gets the Emeralds to stop fucking everything up. Meanwhile, the Ultimate Kaiju teleports out.
Why isn't the ARK... y'know, not-crashing? Because Smiley the Salamander wants to kill all life on Earth. He's BECOME ONE with the station somehow (yeah sure okay let's go with that) and Sonic and Shadow have to stop him, once and for all.
Sonic looks at Shadow.
Shadow looks at Sonic.
Knuckles looks like a moron.
Then Shadow and Sonic do some kind of masturbatory dance... I swear, I'm not trying to be crude, they're fist-pumping as hard as they can... and transform into SUPER SHADOW AND SONIC and fly out into space to beat up the Ultimate Thingie, which has "merged" with the space station ARK by ... ramming the main cannon into its... uhm. ...this looks like a private moment, but the Earth DOES need saving. He has a huge cyst, so they ram into it while flying as fast as possible. That seems mean.
Oh, also Live and Learn is playing. I swear, I can't hear "Live and Learn" in the chorus. All I hear is "MIDNIGHT LURV" or somesuch. Eh, anyway Live and Learn... ...is kind of overrated. There's at least three better songs just in this one game. ... buuuuut yoooooou can haaaard-ly swaaaallow... *hum* Okay it's catchy I guess. ANYWAY once each hedgehog has rammed into the GIANT PULSATING TUMOR three times it's stage over!
Shadow, as his final act, uses Chaos Control to teleport the ARK back to where it's supposed to be. In doing so, he plunges into the atmosphere and the world rejoices. Sonic returns, alone, with one of Shadow's bracelets. (...when did he pickpocket Shadow?)
Sonic and Rouge chat about Shadow. Rouge wonders... was he really a deadly, revenge-obsessed bioweapon? Sonic decides that Shadow was Shadow: A brave hedgehog who died saving the world.
Eggman and Tails chat about Eggman's grandfather. Gerald -was- Eggman's hero... but not so much after trying to genocide the planet. Tails doesn't care about that! THEY ALL DID IT TOGETHERRR~. This line is HILARIOUSLY delivered.
Rouge decides that being a jewel thief is way too hard and pays way too little. Knuckles doesn't care.
Finally, Sonic casually declares that they should all go home, "To the planet as COOL AND BLUE as ME!" Ha. Right at the end, things get cheesy again. So... goodbye, Shadow. I'm sure we'll never see you again. NEVER AGAIN. NEVERRRR AGAAAAIN.
*eyes Sonic Heroes, Shadow the Hedgehog, Sonic 2006, etc* *sigh*
Reprise the theme song, roll the credits, we are OUT.
So what did I think? Well... I don't think I'm playing it again any time soon, but... that last cutscene really makes me remember why I love this whole big stupid series. The cheese, the weird "taking it too seriously" nature, the ridiculous characters. Am I a Sonic fan? I guess so. I'm baffled and a little confused, but... yes I am.
But right NOW I need a break from this series. Oy. And I'm sure not going to do the optional missions: 5 per stage? Aw hell no. Let's see what's next... ooh. It looks like the Sega streak rolls on.
Join me next time as I attempt to UNDERSTAND
UNDERSTAND
UNDERSTAND
UNDERSTAND
THE CONCEPT OF LOVE!
See you next time!
Thank goodness for Youtube. We start out where the Dark ending left off: Eggman trying to figure out what the heck that alarm noise is all about. Sonic and Knuckles meanwhile just want to know why the station keeps shaking. Rouge can answer that question, sounding unusally resigned: The ARK is falling into the atmosphere at an incredible speed.
We cut away to Earth so we can see what the ARK is broadcasting as it falls: What appears to be the last words of Gerald Robotnik, scientist, creator, goddamn loon. While chained to a chair in what looks like an asylum he rasps that in half an hour every human being on the planet will die, it's his doing, and it's his revenge. From offscreen someone asks if he's done, then orders a firing squad to ready. The video promptly loops, so I assume this is the point where they executed him.
This shit got DARK all of a sudden, didn't it? None of the Sonic crew quite know WHAT to make of this, until Eggman strolls in to smug about how awesome his Grandfather was. Grandad Robotnik might actually manage to kill off all human life! He passes Rouge the old man's diary, and the game becomes a weird visual novel for a moment as random words she reads float across the screen.
As the story goes, Gerald was working to create the Ultimate Life Form, and the military really didn't like that at all. They invaded the ARK and killed basically everyone, including his granddaughter Maria. With her loss, Gerald snapped and started in on an even more dangerous biological weapon. (As a side note, the writing here could be effective, but "I got scared as I was no longer able to control my thoughts"? YOU CAN'T JUST HAVE CHARACTERS ANNOUNCE HOW THEY FEEL! THAT MAKES ME FEEL ANGRY!)
That weapon was Shadow, designed to have a perfect, pure mind, and to destroy the world. ... Which is cool and all, but EGGMAN wants to conquer-and-or-destroy the world. It's HIS job. Not his grandfather's. Is there any way to stop Gerald's revenge upon the Earth? The team pull up some blueprints and sketch out a plan: Get Sonic and Knuckles to the core of the space station, have Knuckles use the Master Emerald to stop the energy emitted by the Chaos Emeralds, thus preventing the ARK from smashing into the planet.
Off we go to the Final Stage: Cannon Core. This is the last dance, so everybody gets out on the floor. First off Tails stomps through a series of security hallways to get to a security door, following Eggman's instructions. Once that's blown up, Eggman takes over and does the same, clearing a path through the station. Rouge takes over from there, and her section is all about getting the fluid in the Core drained out so it's accessable. Once the core is drained, Knuckles swims through the cooling fluid --
-- And there I get stuck, for an hour or two. Knuckles just can't get through this section fast enough to live. He keeps drowning long before I reach my goal, and there just aren't any air bubbles. Frustrated, I turn to a FAQ. Turns out there's a practically-required hidden item, the "Air Necklace", which allows unlimited breathing. ("Unlimited breathing" sounds so weird.) I stage-select back to the mines and pick that up.
Okay, here we go again... Tails, to Eggman, to Rouge, to Knuckles ... Did I mention if you lose all your lives in any section of this, you have to start from the beginning again? Anyway, I swim down there, and finally I can throw the switches...
... I... can... uh. ... I... uhm. Mhrmf.
They're not here.
There is a brief pause while I wonder where my life has gone wrong, and then I start exploring. It turns out if you IGNORE the instructions that the switch you need is underwater, go through an unrelated hallway, throw a switch that stops time to get past a laser barrier, break through the floor, and use a spring to launch yourself to a zipline in the ceiling, you can throw ANOTHER switch that opens a door somewhere underwater so you can swim through THAT to a totally different and unrelated underwater area where you need to stop time AGAIN and swim through strong current, then swim down through a long tunnel filled with lasers, stop time AGAIN and swim through MORE strong current past some MORE lasers to the switch you need.
I mean. Obviously.
Finally it is Sonic's turn to shine! With all the security doors open, he can rush to the core. Or that's the plan, anyway. Between the aliens (where did these come from anyway? More bioweapon experiments?), moving floors, laser barriers, and blind-alley cliffs... it's back to the start for me repeatedly. Tails-Eggman-Rouge-Knuckles-Sonic, over and over again. I've gotta say, Sonic 2006's legendary nutslapper final stage "End of the World" was MUCH easier than this is. That one only took me three hours, this is verging on a four and a half slog of masochism. But I will not be defeated.
I'm THIS CLOSE to the ending, damnit, I'm not stopping NOW.
Eventually I figure out how not to fall in the pit when defeating that one hovering alien so the door'll unlock, I use the light speed attack to clear out the exploding minions, I figure out the waterslide, and I finish Cannon's Core. Now... please tell me if there's a final boss I don't have to do this level over. I may snap and try to crash the ISS into Japan.
My reward for finishing that level? A cutscene featuring Amy.
Excuse me, I have to weep.
Okay, okay. Amy shows up and realizes she has to do SOMETHING, so she goes to harass Shadow into saving the world. Shadow is nihilistic, shrugging that there's no way or reason to save anyone. Amy...
I can't describe what Amy is doing. Her body language is somewhere between "desperate need to pee" and "Woody's Roundup Cast Member", with a sidestop in Garry's Mod. While her limbs twitch awkwardly and her legs bend at unnatural angles, her Power of Friendship speech manages to strike the right combination of keywords to unlock Shadow's memories of Maria. Maria, it turns out, actually LIKED Earth and didn't want it to be destroyed. Shadow performs a 180-degree kickflip to face-turn and charges off to save the world.
Meanwhile, down in the core, Sonic and Knuckles are attacked by floating holograms of Gerald Robotnik's head. However, seconds later, a new horror appears. The Prototype Ultimate Life Form: Biolizard. The most dangerous thing in space. The... It...
It looks like a salamander fucked a football. I am not impressed.
Much to my surprise, Pigskin Kaiju here actually gets his own surprisingly laid back trance-y rock theme music. "Supporting Me" is the best music from this game that I had never heard of previously. Why don't y'all enjoy that and I'll be back in a bit?
The way to beat The Ultimate Derp Muffin is this: Run away. He will spiral around after you going "BLAALALALALA" and barfing up balls of dark energon. When he stops, you rail-grind up the side of his face and attack his enormous glowing weak spot. All monsters must have at least one giant glowing weak spot. When you hit it, he will make a noise like you just pushed a hairbrush up a panther's butthole. Then you repeat until he whacks you with his tail and the weird polygon edges shove you off a cliff or through his body and you die and you have to start over.
After you've dodged and hit him enough, he will roar and fill the air with red floating bubbles. Attacking these isn't any stupider than the LAST plan you tried, so why not do that? Then you bounce up and whack him in the back again. Thank goodness for OSHA-mandated glowing weak spots.
Cutscene time! Warning: This video goes all the way to the end of the game, including the boss fight.
Sonic and Knuckles plant the Master Emerald, and Knuckles ... gives it a speech about how the Chaos Emeralds are the Server, and the Master Emerald is the Controller, and oh shit I get it he's setting up a parallel bus SCSI chain. Knuckles' Sysadmin-Fu is strong, and he gets the Emeralds to stop fucking everything up. Meanwhile, the Ultimate Kaiju teleports out.
Why isn't the ARK... y'know, not-crashing? Because Smiley the Salamander wants to kill all life on Earth. He's BECOME ONE with the station somehow (yeah sure okay let's go with that) and Sonic and Shadow have to stop him, once and for all.
Sonic looks at Shadow.
Shadow looks at Sonic.
Knuckles looks like a moron.
Then Shadow and Sonic do some kind of masturbatory dance... I swear, I'm not trying to be crude, they're fist-pumping as hard as they can... and transform into SUPER SHADOW AND SONIC and fly out into space to beat up the Ultimate Thingie, which has "merged" with the space station ARK by ... ramming the main cannon into its... uhm. ...this looks like a private moment, but the Earth DOES need saving. He has a huge cyst, so they ram into it while flying as fast as possible. That seems mean.
Oh, also Live and Learn is playing. I swear, I can't hear "Live and Learn" in the chorus. All I hear is "MIDNIGHT LURV" or somesuch. Eh, anyway Live and Learn... ...is kind of overrated. There's at least three better songs just in this one game. ... buuuuut yoooooou can haaaard-ly swaaaallow... *hum* Okay it's catchy I guess. ANYWAY once each hedgehog has rammed into the GIANT PULSATING TUMOR three times it's stage over!
Shadow, as his final act, uses Chaos Control to teleport the ARK back to where it's supposed to be. In doing so, he plunges into the atmosphere and the world rejoices. Sonic returns, alone, with one of Shadow's bracelets. (...when did he pickpocket Shadow?)
Sonic and Rouge chat about Shadow. Rouge wonders... was he really a deadly, revenge-obsessed bioweapon? Sonic decides that Shadow was Shadow: A brave hedgehog who died saving the world.
Eggman and Tails chat about Eggman's grandfather. Gerald -was- Eggman's hero... but not so much after trying to genocide the planet. Tails doesn't care about that! THEY ALL DID IT TOGETHERRR~. This line is HILARIOUSLY delivered.
Rouge decides that being a jewel thief is way too hard and pays way too little. Knuckles doesn't care.
Finally, Sonic casually declares that they should all go home, "To the planet as COOL AND BLUE as ME!" Ha. Right at the end, things get cheesy again. So... goodbye, Shadow. I'm sure we'll never see you again. NEVER AGAIN. NEVERRRR AGAAAAIN.
*eyes Sonic Heroes, Shadow the Hedgehog, Sonic 2006, etc* *sigh*
Reprise the theme song, roll the credits, we are OUT.
So what did I think? Well... I don't think I'm playing it again any time soon, but... that last cutscene really makes me remember why I love this whole big stupid series. The cheese, the weird "taking it too seriously" nature, the ridiculous characters. Am I a Sonic fan? I guess so. I'm baffled and a little confused, but... yes I am.
But right NOW I need a break from this series. Oy. And I'm sure not going to do the optional missions: 5 per stage? Aw hell no. Let's see what's next... ooh. It looks like the Sega streak rolls on.
Join me next time as I attempt to UNDERSTAND
UNDERSTAND
UNDERSTAND
UNDERSTAND
THE CONCEPT OF LOVE!
See you next time!
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2013-11-21 01:17 am (UTC)Really enjoyed the write-up and its nice to see that even back then, they didn't fully understand the nature of human/hedgehog relationships. It's kinda sweet that they tried it again in 2006.
And wow, that ending...
no subject
Date: 2013-11-21 08:51 am (UTC)And yeah, that ending. I... I wish I didn't like this series so much, and I wish I wasn't FAINTLY SAD that because of the "Sonic only, runs fast, no partners, no 'friends'" attitude of the series recently we'll never see anything as completely bugfuck insane as Shadow's origin story and such ever again.