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So while I was talking with a friend about Sonic Adventure 2 the other day, they were all like "Oh, man, that's right. All the PLOT is in the villain side of the game."

"Is that why the hero side makes no sense?" I asked, somewhat hopefully.

"Well no, the villain side doesn't make any sense either. And put together they actually make negative sense." they admitted. "But the STORYLINE is in the dark half, the heroes just react to stuff."

So I'd like you all to join me for another trip into "oh god what is happening" land. Sonic Adventure 2 Dark Side, go!

We start out in a prison facility of some kind, where INTRUDER ALERTS and WARNINGs and such are going off like crazy. It's Eggman, breaking INTO a jail for a change. He clumsily exposits to himself that he's going to find out what his grandfather was working on! Oh shit, Eggman has a FAMILY? I assumed he was just some over-easy, low-grade bad egg that became sentient, put on clothing, and grew a ridiculous mustache. Either way, it's Eggman and his mecha versus a bunch of GUN robots in a race to the basement!

There is actually, uh, no race. It's just Stage 1: Iron Gate.

It is at this point I realize the real horror of the Team Dark storyline: I've PLAYED these levels before. Or, I've played levels with these texture sets and roughly these room layouts. I did this when Tails infiltrated Prisoner Island. (Samurai Pizza Cats reference goes here. Make your own, I'm lazy.)

Eggman does have SOME differences from Tails, though! He has a spring-loaded boxing glove that sometimes fires if you're close to enemies. He keeps accidentally locking on to enemies in different rooms through the walls. And instead of going "OKAY!" in little-fox-boy speak, he goes "YOSH!" in "we forgot to translate this voice clip" speak. (TRANSLATOR'S NOTE: "YOSH!" means "OKAY!")

Eventually Eggman makes it down to the basement and finds his grandfather's old project. He puts in the code MA-RI-A, which is three letters because Japanese kanji, and out of the coils of wires and piping pops... a black and red hedgehog.

"SONIC?!" Eggman gasps. Is everyone in this universe colorblind?

"MY NAME IS SHADOW." he awkwardly monotones. "For releasing me, my master, I grant you one wish. BEHOLD my power." And then he... hovers around on jet shoes a while. Great, but do they work over water? Anyway then a mecha attacks Eggman, so Shadow demonstrates his power by doing a remix of the first boss fight.

As a side note, I'd like to talk for a moment about boss fights in Sonic games. They're terrible. Jackie Chan talks a lot about how every fight scene he choreographs tells a story without words. Wrestlers like to talk about telling a story with their matches, even if that story is just "little guy fights big guy, little guy wins because of determination". Sonic Team is functionally incapable of telling a story with a fight, they have no idea how to signpost boss weaknesses.

Almost every boss fight in a Sonic game I've ever played goes like this: "Okay, boss. Where do I attack? Ah, on the right, there's a glowing red thing... no, you bounce off. Okay, what about this spot? No. Okay, now he's flying around, I'll wait for him to land... ah. No, he shoots things there. Let's see if I can... ooh. No, fell off the cliff." "HINT: YOU CAN ATTACK THE MISSILES IN MID-AIR TO BOUNCE THEM BACK AND DAMAGE HIS ARMOR!" "I fucking what? Seriously? Well, now I know HOW to beat him..."

When the fastest way to beat a boss is to kill yourself to learn how to beat it, that is not good boss design. I'm just saying. I beat Shadow twice in the hero mode, I still don't know how you're SUPPOSED to fight him.

Anyway! Having disposed of the mecha, Eggman wonders about that "wish" thing. Shadow casually strolls off, suggesting he bring chaos emeralds to the Space Station ARK. From there, we jump to that scene with Knuckles and Rouge, where Eggman flies off with the Master Emerald and Knuckles smashes it. You can feel free to watch that cutscene, or you can start listening to Rouge's hilariously Engrishy theme song, Fly in the Freedom. Nobody taught me to hint with a happy life of dream!

Meanwhile it's on to Stage 2: Dry Lagoon, wherein Rouge cleans up after stupid Red Guy and finds a bunch of emerald pieces. Sadly, Rouge does not get goofy-ass hiphop for her stage music. Ah well.

I always liked Rouge. On one hand, yes, she's Player 2 Knuckles ... on the other hand, she can kick a tank in half while wearing high heels, which is kind of awesome. Sadly she's not allowed to ever actually BE a globe-trotting jewel thief. Voiced by Nancy Drew. God I cannot get OVER that.

Anyway, Rouge has to do some stupid crap that involves grabbing the butt of a turtle as it swims around and using that to tow her into the current so she can get emerald shards, and then when the victory screen hits it bugs out weirdly and she spasms up and down in the most undignified fashion possible while it totals my score up. Sonic Adventure 2, everybody.

In the next cutscene Eggman loudly declares that NOBODY WILL EVER FIND HIS TOP SECRET HIDDEN BASE which is rimmed with statues with his face on them. This leads straight to Stage 3: Sand Ocean, where Eggman has to shoot his way in through his own front door because the military has found his top secret hidden base.

Does anyone know what's a good starter alcohol if you want to start drinking heavily? I'm asking for a friend.

In our next cutscene, Eggman gets home just in time to watch the nightly news, on which a newscaster with the most hilarious "England via Boston and Texas" accent I have ever heard exposits that a Cahyos Emerrald was stolen, and it looks like the work of the heroic Sawnik the Hedgehawg. "SOUNDS MORE LIKE THE WORK OF SHADOW!" Eggman muses, as the TV screen shows a picture of Shadow.

Worldwide colorblindness. It's all I can think here.

Elsewhere, Shadow flashes back to that time when he was on a space colony and "Maria", the most terrifying humanlike automaton ever created, saved his life by shooting him into space or something. For this, he has promised REVENGE. Watch for a writeup Shadow the Hedgehog: Revengers of Vengeance on a blog near you!

Anyway it's time for Stage 4: Radical Highway. I've always quite liked Shadow too, something about his floaty jet-boots make him control much, MUCH more precisely than Sonic does. It's so much easier to place a jump with him. I dunno, that's likely just me.

Aheh. Giant "Got Ring?" blimps in the background. Parodying "Got Milk?" didn't get old ever. Also amusing, a road sign listing "Freedom" as ? Miles away. Perhaps Shadow is the one who jetshoed away from Omeleas.

Anyway eventually Shadow goes through loops and outruns some jets and runs smack into that scene back at the opening of the Hero story where Sonic is all "HE'S WARPING NO FAIR". So of course we jump straight to... Rouge! Who is making some kind of mission report. To her chest.

"I hate ... to say it... I'm going to have ... to find ... that key first." she muses, staring at a locked door far longer than really required. Oh hey, it's already Stage 5: Egg Quarters. Anybody notice they used all the GOOD stage names over on the hero route? 'Egg quarters' sounds like a plate of hor d'oeuvres.

That goes by fast enough, except that Eggman's security systems all involve LASER BEAMS. You can't kick laser beams unless you're Bayonetta or something, so this goes poorly for Rouge. Oh well. She finds a terminal displaying what appears to be actual game code in the next cutscene (I can make out "Default Object Name" at least) and demands that it be a space teleporter because her "mission" is to find out what Eggman's up to. What is Eggman up to?

He's up to about Stage 6: Lost Colony. It is DARK because the power is out in this space station, so you have shoot enemies to see, and then you stomp around and wheeee. At one point I am stomping around and find Omochao.

"It's useless to run around in circles. Find a way out of the maze!" Omochao says.
"YOSH!" replies Eggman, and punches Omochao in the face with a spring-loaded boxing glove.
"Snrkpfffbht bwahahahaha." I say, and nearly choke to death on soda. Welp, new favorite character.

The next two cutscenes are pretty damn complex for THIS game. First, Eggman finds Shadow waiting at the heart of the complex, and Shadow explains that "Gerald" left this as his legacy: The Eclipse Cannon! Rouge drops in from above to cut a deal: They need the emeralds, she needs work. She'll come along and be a "treasure hunter" (read as: thief, are we playing Final Fantasy now?), they'll get the jewels.

The next scene is just a quick rundown of the jewel heist plot, which involves Rouge lifting the jewels while Eggman runs a distraction and Shadow plants bombs to blow up the island they're on.

From there it's on to Stage 7: Weapons Bed. In which Eggman runs that distraction, blowing everything the holy crap UP. Boom boom boom boom, etc. This is probably the most fun Eggman stage or even mechwalker stage in the game so far, since it involves basically spamming missiles at lots and lots of immobile targets. Bwahahaha I'm having Gamma flashbacks. NEVER STOP SHOOTING.

As Eggman prepares to send Rouge and Shadow out to do their parts, Shadow is tackled from behind! It's Amy! She thinks he's Sonic! "Wait! You're not Sonic ... Doctor Eggman? AAAAYAAAUHHHHAAAUUIIEE!" she belts out, near-orgasmic for some reason. Eggman menaces her with his large cannon, and then Tails shows up and it's boss fight time all over again. A few shots and Tails is shot down.

How will this "Exciting" "plan" unfold? Tune in "next time", 'cause I've had all I can take for now.