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Right. Last time I was about to go into the EVIL SEWER of EVIL MYSTERY. I make a quick nervous sprint around the city. Am I as prepared as I could possibly be? ... Well, I better be. INTO THE NEXT SOLO DUNGEON.

The game briefly screws with me by having the dude standing next to the door go "Hey, you'll have to get me these TOOLS so I can open the door... aw, no, wait, I got 'em right here. Nevermind!" Thanks, game. You are exploiting my fear of fetch quests now. I will kick you.

Whee running around the sewer system. Shooting bats in the face. Shooting rats in the ratty parts. Whee-hoo.

Okay, finally Vaan gets to THE PALACE. Yay. It makes sure I know that getting OUT will be harder than getting in, because point of no return and all. Like this is the final dungeon and Vaan's gonna have to tank the entire Empire with a level 1 starting bow and a t-shirt that doesn't fit.

Meanwhile, outside, a bunny-girl and the sharpest-dressed man in three counties pull up on a hoverbike and pose dramatically. They will be our main characters. Like, our ACTUAL main characters. Vaan is a stopgap main character.

Vaan does however loot every single box in the palace basement and walk off with like $2500 worth of consumable goods, though. So there's that. But that's not enough! There's something NEAT upstairs, and this rock unlocks the palace treasury so he can get it! So it's up the sta-- oh. There's a guard in the way. A little distraction takes care of that and sets the stage for a groaner of a minigame, where Vaan has to yell at guards to distract them, then sneak around behind their backs and not get caught. Forced stealth segments make EVERYONE happy, right guys? ... guys?

Actually, this plays more like a puzzle game. You shuffle guards around by yelling "HELLOOOOO" and "HEY BUCKETHEAD" at them until they're all clustered down one end of the hallways, then work past them and find the right magic spot to wave your rock at. Excitement.

Anyway, that gets Vaan into the TREASURY. He futzes with some stuff, and a statue's FACE folds open (eegh) and reveals a big shining rock. This rock is called Magicite. Get used to it. It's going to drive the plot, if I recall.

If this is going to drive the plot, the plot needs someone riding shotgun who is AWESOME. Enter Balthier, who is smooth and Bond-like. He is, as he calmly declares to Vaan's face, the leading man. His sidekick is Fran, a giant dark-skinned vaguely-Icelandic bunnygirl who may be the best-known character in the entire game. Unfortunately, they take their eyes and the camera off Vaan for about two and a half seconds to posture, and when the camera pans back, Vaan is -gone-.

"The gods do not smile upon us." Fran muses.
"I like it -better- that way!" Balthier points out.

...Yeah, I love these two.

Anyway, Vaan runs outta there, but eventually notices that the guards are on alert... and going the other way. Why soon becomes obvious, as Vaan gets out into the courtyard and finds the place being BOMBED BY A DAMN AIRSHIP. Also, the big gruff man and that girl from the end of the last update? They're down there fighting. Vaan doesn't have a lot of time to process this as Balthier scoops him up from behind and dumps him on their hovermotorcycle. He, Fran, and Vaan ride off over the courtyard on the magic flying machine.

It promptly crashes.

Why does it crash? ... It's not really explained. I'm going to guess that the magicite Vaan's carrying had something to do with it, since the thing was working fine until he got dropped on it, and then it sank like a brick. Anyway, they crash down in the sewers and Balthier informs Vaan that they now work TOGETHER, capiche? Fran just seems mildly irritated by all of this.

Time to random-pick Bal and Fran's job classes!

Balthier - SAMURAI
Fran - LANCER

... Okaaaay that'll be interesting. Current HP totals after I'm done with the job board: Vaan: 380. Fran: 253. (Oh my god she needs some goddamn heavy armor right the fuck now. I hope I can get some soon.) Balthier: 613.

... Why don't you get out in FRONT, Bal...

Balthier pauses to snark about how he'll need a change of wardrobe. He's soiled his cuffs! I know it's hard, dude, but soldier on. It IS a little sad though, since he doesn't even have a sword yet. He is a samurai with a rifle. It goes -blomp-. Luckily I do find him a samurai sword so he can continue in the traditions of the east or whatever he thinks he's doing.

The default rifle, by the way, is an Altair. Balthier comes with a HANDHELD HISTORICAL ASSASSIN. And then trades up.

Mostly the entire dungeon run out is me going "OH GOD GIVE ME ARMORS" at every treasure chest I see.

Anyway, down further in the sewers is that mysterious lady! She is ... stabbing the living crap out of guards, but she's cornered, and Vaan is all "HEY JUMP DOWN" and she's like "...well, it would help me not die." Then she joins as a guest, calling herself Amalia. I think she just wants Vaan's magicite, though. Everyone wants Vaan's magical pocket glowrock. She is also a leader in the rebel army. Uh, Resistance, I mean. Not the Rebels. Against the Empire. Nope.

Since I know for a fact "Amalia" here is coming back, I roll for her class ahead of time to give me time to prepare.

"Amalia" - Hunter. So... that's the class that uses Ninja Swords and pistols. At some point she's going to take up shooting people in the face for a hobby. That is a fine job for a prin-- I MEAN REBEL LEADER.

There are also FLANS. Evil caramel-based monsters, oh no! I set them on fire. They die. Have your reward music. Final Fantasy fans will eat glass if you play this music after each piece swallowed. True story.

Hum dee dum. Battling. Battling. Stealing. "Stole Demon's Eyeball!" ... Oh, NO. NO, Fran. Bad. Bad Fran. You put that back in right now. Stealing is... Stealing is wrong. Now. Those are the rules. That I've just made up.

Also Balthier is now chain-comboing with himself. I watch him attack and it goes 2HIT 3HIT 4HIT and he's just hacking away. Is... is that normal for Samurai?

Into the "Overflow Cloaca". 'Cloaca' is not a word that fills me with ambition and joy, y'know. And inside the cloaca is... a flaming tentacle-horse! We duel it. As one does. We also trounce it pretty easily, which surprises me because this beat me senseless when I was playing this the first time. Have I really improved so much?

I think it's more that Cure is an area-effect now. THAT really helps.

While we are distracted savaging the flamequine with various weapons, apparently like SIX HUNDRED SOLIDERS with autocrossbows snuck up behind us. The party is casually arrested. Amalia gets all pissy over being thought of as a thief, until Balthier points out that if they're accusing her of THAT, they're not accusing her of trying to assassinate anyone. She instantly starts blustering that SHE was the true thief and THESE PEOPLE can be released. Vaan is like "WTF." and she's like "Shh. I'm trying to think." Most people think with their mouth -closed-, Amalia, but ... you just go right on ahead.

Penelo also shows up and is like "DAMNIT VAAN". Balthier hurriedly passes her a hankerchief, RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE GUARDS, and asks if she'll "keep it safe" until they come back. I am assuming the Magicite is wrapped in that hankie, because Balthier is a smooth mofo. Anyway, a guard decks Vaan and sends him into Unconscious Flashback Land. He remembers/hallucinates taking care of his comatose brother Reks in a hospital room. Reks dies. Vaan leaves flowers. It is really sad. The flowers Vaan and his brother love are the same ones that earlier got trampled on by some imperal soldiers, so you know, METAPHOOOOOR and all.

Vaan and company wake up in Imperial Pound You In The Ass Prison. He is stunned and terrified. Balthier is pretty laid back. Fran is off doing recon on an escape route. This is not their first rodeo. Straight to the save point for a break I go, though. Need a rest.