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Having just polished off a few slices of an olive and egg pizza from one of the many local greek-style pizza places local, I think I'm ready to get ARGONE.

As in, gone on the Argo. Not the gas.

That's Argon.

...let's start.

As usual for a crew rundown, pre-leaving Saria first, then after arriving at Oracle Island. Or "Delphi" as I am informed some HIPSTERS call it.

Medusa: Pleased by bringing justice and wisdom to Saria, but sad that traitors were involved. Whee.

Medea: Opens her mind to try to find out why the Blacktongues are following us. Reveals that there's been a traitor with us ever since we left Lolcats. She then totally flips out and starts hitting on Jason, before shaking it off and revealing that Hecate just tried to mind-take her. Luckily, magic runes and stuff.

Lycomedes: Happy that we're making progress on making his daughter not-dead. I CAN TOTALLY UNDERSTAND THAT.

Lykas: Amused and puzzled to find himself a Descendant of Hermes. Thinks Hermes probably thinks it's funny. Still smoking. Also, his bed is NOWHERE NEAR big enough. Where the hell is this guy sleeping? He's taking up a double-room by himself.

Daedalus: Centaur armor is awfully well-crafted!

Herc and Pan: Choosing teams for a theoretical monster brawl-off. There is a brief debate over whether the hydra counts as one entry or nine. Eventually Pan wins with the legendary and canonical tag-team of Scylla and Charybdis.

Achilles and Atalanta: Achilles implies that as the only human in a group of centaurs, Atalanta must have been awfully "lonely at night". (Seriously, dude?) Atalanta replies that whenever she got bored, she'd swat the greasy, irritating, pathetic flies that insist on pestering her. Achilles does not get it. Yeah, I'm never putting these two in the same party. I like a lack of HOMICIDE among my party members. Although I haven't seen that happen since Baldur's Gate...

Anyway, we sail off to Delphi, and... the Oracle meets us on the ship deck. Apparently she can just teleport in or something. Okaaaay. Anyway, we all cluster up in front of her to have the location of the Fleece revealed. Dantooine. It's ... no, wait.

Tartarus. Dude, you're goin' to Hell. Anyway, she implores me to make "last preperations" and then come ashore with my chosen argonauts and also Medea. Before then it's time to run around talkin' to people again yaaaaay.

Medea: We break her wards open and prepare her for the trip. She's pretty sure that she can get us to Tartarus for various reasons, as long as Hecate doesn't come mess with her or anything. Jinkies, what are the odds of -that-?

Medusa, Lycomedes, Lykas: Variations on "Well I'm happy to help but damned if I know how".

Daedalus: Eager to see just HOW a portal to Tartarus is opened. Also, considering hanging out on Delphi. Nobody will ever find him on an island not on any chart!

Atalanta and Achilles: He is being a dick. She is having none of it.

Hercules and Pan: Debating which came first, the world or love. Creation itself, or something to create -from-? ...I'm not even contributing here, the question makes me dizzy.

Okay! As I try to go ashore, Jason chimes in with a "HEY NO JOKE WE'RE ABOUT TO CROSS THE POINT OF NO RETURN", which is nice. I push on anyway. There's a nice long scene where Achilles nearly takes a swim in the water (Oh yes, DO, PLEASE) and the Oracle goes on for a bit. As it turns out, the plan is that one drop of blood from each of the four god-born assembled will pacify the Styx and Lethe and so on and so on and anyway with that and Medea navigating we can get to the Underworld. Jason protests that he only found -three- children of gods, but the Oracle reveals herself to be of the bloodline of Apollo, so that's certainly not a cop-out because they ran out of development time or anything.

I'm given the choice of who to take with me, so I call for a round of bids. Pan wants to go for Wisdom's sake, Achilles wants Glory, Herc because he's ... well, Hercules, and Atalanta for friendship. I end up rolling with Pan and Atalanta again. I feel bad that Hercules isn't coming, but I figure if the ship is attacked by ~~Reapers~~ Blacktongues while I'm off heroing then he can handle them. Maybe he can tie Achilles to the front of the prow to ward off evil spirits or something.

So everyone cuts their hand and pours about a quart of blood into the waters, Medea does her stuff, and we're off to Tartarus! ONWARD.

Sadly, Tartarus is mostly a boss rush. Everyone you killed who is evil shows up here, because... well, duh. So you -re- kill them and that pretty much solves that. Pan is happily spouting off about all the NEAT HORRIBLE STUFF down there, though, so that's cool. Atalanta is more icked out, but still arches like a pro. Yay for her.

Oh! Sadly, the Gate to Tartarus spell/power does not work while you're IN Tartarus. So you can't hurl them into it and have them pop right back out again. That's a shame, but understandable. I just hope I get a chance to USE it at some point, because I put points in it, dangit.

Anyway, on our way through, we meet Prometheus! Prometheus is -seriously in pain- because Hecate is torturing him. He offers a fair chunk of backstory about the Fleece and how it can bind body and spirit together and so on, and then asks if Jason would please kill him. You know, Kratos would've just punched the dude's face in as soon as he arrived. I hate Kratos. Anyway, Jason at least shows remorse and asks if there's anything he can do beyond that. Sure: Help out Epimetheus. I kinda saw that coming. So... Jason puts an end to the father of his race and thankfully has the grace to look sad about it.

Same thing with Epimetheus, actually. But if that sounds dismissive, know that it came after quite a bit of dungeoneering and fighting. Meanwhile the game has chosen now to introduce the WORST MECHANIC IN THE WORLD, which is enemies that only "die" for good if you kill them on dry land, where most of the level is soaked in ichorous goop. (Not Icarus goop. Different myth.) Cue scenes of me -rolling dudes up out of the water- to stab their bodies, and whatnot. It's kinda cool but kind of horrible and irritating too. Then again, THIS IS HELL. If there's gonna be a horrible mechanic, here is where to put it, y'know? In a sign of good taste, this gimmick lasts just about long enough to make the point, then a little longer to make sure you know it's a pain in the ass, and then GOES AWAY, thank Hera.

After fighting every other boss in the game, I hit Nessus... who is absolutely in ANGUISH, down here in Poison Rotting Dead Thing Land. He was supposed to go to a paradise! Jason points out that Hecate is -kind of- big on lying to people. This gets more pained shrieking and sobbing out of Nessus. ... In the end, when I'm offered the choice, I elect to just walk past him. He's a dumbass and he'll be stuck here forever. There's no need to destroy his soul and send him to the Land of the Double Dead. He got his "reward". Let him enjoy it.

I'm rarely cruel, but... fuck that guy.

Down at the bottom of Tartarus is Isyphyrus, the final guardian. Huge tool. Huge MACE. Likes to hit you in the head with it, shoot Green Shit (TM) at you, and do that "explosions follow you everywhere" thing that Cerberus likes to do in Kingdom Hearts. Took a while to beat. But... FLEECE TIME AW YEAH. You get INCREDIBLE GLOWING ARMOR and a rack of mooks jump up so you can beat them down and show how incredible you are.

...oh. And then it's back to Iolcus, where... pretty much everyone is dead. Thanks, Pelias.

...Jason gives the last rites a -lot- in this game. *sigh*

All right, on to the end. There's NOT a lot of dialogue left, mostly just fighting. One thing I find funny though, Jason hands over the Argo to King Lycomedes, on the grounds that if Jason falls, Lycomedes should sail away very fast and come back with an ARMY. This is GOOD TACTICAL PLANNING. I approve, Jason.

Anyway, we beat up more dudes, and I throw some into Tartarus and that's as awesome as expected because basically it makes them ragdoll and then it woodchippers them, and there is a gallows and Jason is horrified, and even Pan is all "Yeah we pretty much need to kill everybody involved here". Just in case you thought this would end with a senatorial debate.

We get a cutscene for Atalanta to show off her Blazing Speed archery skills as she covers everyone, Pan learns Force Throw and starts hucking scenery objects, and Jason, Herc, and Crispin Freeman infiltrate the palace.

There is a LOT of mayhem. I mean, a LOT.

Crispin and Herc stay behind to cover Jason's run to his wife, and Crispin is all "COME, BLACK HOST OF HECATE! OH EVILDOERS! COME AND BREAK YOURSELF UPON THE _ROCK_ THAT IS... ACHILLES!" And Herc is all "...you done?" and Crispin's all "I'm done." and Herc just hauls off and PASTES a line of dudes who were apparently completely stunned by Achilles fellating himself vigorously. Again, I laughed. These two are best when teamed together. Shame I didn't really use 'em much.

You then fight the assassin who killed off Argos and who tried to kill Alceme, and it's basically... a dialogue battle! He is all "HECATE IS THE GREATEST" and you're all "NOPE LET ME EXPLAIN WHY" and in the end he collapses in despair and ... well, I finished him off. I left -a- survivor. C'mon. That's my limit. BUT I am still being honest, this did NOT end with a debate, because Pelias.

Pelias's intro is kind of amusing in that Jason is just like "NOPE. NO SPEECHES. WE BATTLE." And Pelias is like "But it was a really good speech. Oh well." and then you throw down for a three-stage boss fight. This was pretty tough because it revolved around DEFENDING and I am bad at all that kind of thing. Still, eventually Jason beats the dude to a pulp and points out "EVERYTHING YOU'VE EVER SAID IS A LIE." and stabs him. "So hold your tongue." Bad. Ass.

Alcheme is revived by the power of the Golden Fleece. Jason and Alcheme get their wedding, with everyone laughing and cheering except Medusa/Perseus, because the endgame is a pre-rendered cutscene and they didn't know who you'd pick so they left those two out. Everyone is happy, it's a fantastic ending. Nobody even got cursed for hubris!

...and then the game rolls one second of credits and crashes.

RISE OF THE ARGONAUTS, EVERYBODY!

So, because there was no epilogue... I rolled my own.

JASON AND ALCEME: Rule together as an action couple, righting wrongs and fighting the Blacktongues on the Argo until they wiped them all out for reals this time.

PAN: Started a campaign of Educational Reform and became the first inner-city school teacher. "Why Can't Our Satyrs Read?", delivered in front of a roaring crowd at the Parthenon, is considered one of the finest examples of public speaking on record.

MEDEA: Recordkeeper and assistant to Pan, learning to Force Throw from him.

HERCULES AND ACHILLES: Went out for a month or so, then decided it wasn't going to work out. Hercules later ate all the things and had to be rolled to a new continent, where he feasts still. Achilles' theatrical revue "It's Great To Be Me" is on its fifth circuit of Greece.

ATALANTIA: First Olympic Gold for archery, First Olympic Gold for track, First Olympic Bronze for pole-vaulting. Planning to try Discus next year.

MEDUSA: Currently debating Athena's finest scholars about the predicted movements of snakes on a plane. Also owns a mirror shop.

PERSEUS: I don't care.

LYKOS: Still smoking.

KING LYCOMEDES: Runs Mycenae with an iron fist... but is a little more willing to hear people out before sending them to the arena.

DAEDALUS: Started Filofacts, the Philosopher Search Engine. Hundreds of the fastest readers alive comb through the library of Alexandria to find what YOU need to know. Now a billionare.

...Next time -- MY VERDICT ON THE GAME and finally I can stop writing these diaries.