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xyzzysqrlSo I started taking notes on Rise of the Argonauts as I was playing it. Hooooly crap, you guys. Okay. Here's what I wrote down as I was playing.
JASON is the lord of Lolcats. He is having some kind of ceremony with his wife, who doesn't get a name. He dips a glowing rock in a pool of water and then tells her that he loves her. She responds by being shot in the chest with a poisoned arrow fired by a blind man and dying. Suddenly Hercules appears and he and Jason run around beating the living crap out of Ions. They are soldiers with their heads covered by helmets and who have impenetrable shields.
Later Jason leaps from a balcony to another balcony two feet away, but Hercules can't do this because he is about twelve Jasons big and his arms are tired from pulling dudes in half, so he goes around. Then another guy named Timmycus appears and he gets shot in the face to save Jason's life. Jason reacts by ninja-looting Timmy's sweet-ass seventy-pound solid bronze mace. Then he smashes in some more faces. After that Jason goes downstairs and finds one of his men with a huge-ass gladius sticking out of his chest, so Jason loots that too.
Jason doesn't seem to give a shit about people dying if he can steal their stuff. I am pretty sure this is accurate to greek mythology. This is all so the game can show off REAL TIME WEAPON CHANGING but I don't care because using the mace I can break shields and skulls at the same time, often in one swipe, and neither a spear nor a sword offers that to me. Anyway "Captain Itus" I think tells Jason that the assassin is a "Blacktongue" and then DOES NOT DIE making him the NPC with the most screentime, since Hercules still has not figured out how to walk around that two-foot gap successfully.
So me and my Dwarf Fortress-style "You sever his TORSO at the ANKLES" style critical hits eventually catch up to the archer guy, who shoots Hercules... hey, he made it! ... in the nipples with a couple of arrows. Hercules does not seem visibly bothered and one-hands the archer over to Jason, who beats his face in with a mace. Cut to Jason laying his wife out on a pedestal outside, and then we spin around to show that apparently he built a shrine to every single god and goddess he could think of around her. Oh she gets a name now. It's 'Alcheme'.
At this point I notice I can go into my menus and "dedicate" my "heroic deeds" to various "Gods" to get "perks". So far I have the following heroic deeds:
Killed a bunch of guys.
Killed more guys.
Killed even more guys.
Killed the guys invading my palace.
Killed the assassin who killed Jason's wife.
This is gonna be one of THOSE myths, y'know? Given my thing for maces, I skim the perk trees and decide that I'll be rolling with Ares and maybe Hermes, apparently. Sorry, Athena. No wisdom here. Sorry, Apollo. No... tanning... what does Apollo do? Truth, healing... yeah, screw that. FACEBASHING AHOY. We're doin' it violent and we're doin' it quick.
Jason heads out and rants at a statue of Zeus about how he does NOT ACCEPT IT. HE DOES NOT ACCEPT IT. NOT EVEN IF IT'S ZEUS'S WILL. HE DOES -NOT- ACCEPT IT. Anyway Hercules shows up, and wants to know when the last rites are. But if Jason sends Alcheme to the underworld, he'll never get her back, and HE DOES NOT ACCEPT IT. So he and Hercules derp for a while about what to do next.
Well... AH. Of course. The default solution to "I don't know something" in Greek myth. They'll head over and ask the Oracle what to do. But Delphi is a long ways away... right! The Ship! The ship that Master Argos is building! TO THE SHIP! Guys I think they're going to become... ARGONUTS.
Anyway we then meet Pelias, who introduces himself pretty much with "Jason I am your UNCLE and I CARE ABOUT YOU." Because let's just have characters state their identity and current feelings as soon as they appear. They bicker about whether or not bringing the dead back to life is impossible, and Jason flips out and starts ranting about how Alcheme was a DAUGHTER OF ARES and HEROES MAKE THE IMPOSSIBLE POSSIBLE and how HE SPEAKS FOR HER WHILE SHE IS UNABLE TO SPEAK and... y'know, if I play him like a raving psychotic this is not going to seem out of character is all I'm saying.
I wander around and talk with some nobles. Apparently King Lycopene, the bride's father, was NOT AT THE WEDDING. Gasp. This may cause an international incident! Jason, true to form, appears to give no fucks. Then the game crashes.
So this is where I'm gonna stop documenting unless something REALLY AMAZING happens, but... real talk, this is currently like Greek Mythology as seen through the MTV FILTER and I'm finding it hilarious and dumb and hilarious and really dumb. I'm loving it but I FEEL BAD about loving it. Also the game is kinda jerky and everyone makes the same facial expression and nobody can form a coherent thought without staring into space blankly first. So... yeah.
TRIPLE-A TITLE, CLAPS ALL AROUND.
--
More notes:
Weapon upgrade system in this game is kinda interesting. You get stuff at plot moments, not really as "loot" as such. It doesn't actually give you weapon power rankings. It just says "THIS WEAPON IS BETTER THAN YOUR CURRENT" and also says stuff like "Sends out shockwaves" or "Is good at breaking shields". I'm wondering if I'll ever find anything WORSE than my "current weapon" or if the game is tuned to give out only upgrades.
Recruited Medea! She is a vaguely Arabian (?!) witch covered in tattoos who can cast the Shinku Hadoken. She also claims she "Can't control her power" and "You don't know what I'll do", which makes me giggle. She's an ex-assassin/ex-Blacktongue, and she has a murder on for those guys and is willing to share. I like her. I'm taking her out next time I get a choice of party. UPDATES TO FOLLOW.
The Argo, I will admit, is TOTALLY AWESOME. It has a programmable star-reading navigating computer! It rows itself! It is a floating shrine to four gods! It has sliding doors! Medea... completely revamped her quarters and draped them all in blue silk and her room has MOOD LIGHTING, and she has locked herself into about a foot of clearance with magic wards so she doesn't -kill anyone by accident-. Medea, I think you are the best crewmember so far and I'm counting Hercules in that. You are my Magical WMD and I am -aching- to drop you on somebody.
Ahaha. You can go sit on Jason's throne and he will take petitions! You can be MURDERFACE, a smartass, a Wise Just Jedi Knight, or CAPTAIN BLANDO. The thing is, I don't think ANY CHOICE I am making, anywhere in this game, is affecting the plot. People just make noises and then the same thing that would happen anyway happens anyway. WHY DON'T I CARE. Anyway it turns out that the two gods I have picked to honor the mostest are Ares, God Of Smashing Some Fuckin' Face and Being Blunt and Murderous, and Hermes, God Of Being A Snarkbucket and Respecting Clever People. So basically I make fun of people until/unless they are AWESOME, and if they're jerks then I hit them in the head until they stop moving. NOT the petitioners, though. Not even that one guy.
So Jason stops off to honor his wife before leaving, and the Gods start talking to him, all "YOUR QUEST IS LIKELY IMPOSSIBLE AND BY THE WAY KIND OF FUCKED UP, YOU SHOULDN'T BRING BACK THE DEAD" and Jason is all "I will make the impossible possible." and I'm wanting to photoshop some Kamina glasses on him at this point because this is totally turning into Rise of the Gurren Lagannauts, and the gods all give him a boon and go "Good luck, this ought to be interesting to watch!" except Ares who is like "PFFT YOU WANT MY BOON YOU GO EARN IT, GO TO A CAVE AND BEAT UP A BUNCH OF MY WARRIORS" and Jason is all "'kay."
So around this point Hercules is all "Uh hey is there room on your new ship for me maybe?" and Jason is like "I don't know I'll have to ask Argo if there's a weight limit." (THIS IS A REAL THING HE SAYS) and Hercules is all "Yes that's very funny but seriously can we hang out on your quest?" and I picked "OF COURSE!" because it's HERCULES, and he got real happy and then threw a giant boulder aside so I could invade Ares' temple of FUCKING LAVAMEN AND ALSO A MINOTAUR to get his boon. So Hercules Bro Status = Double Confirmed, and also Ares was like "oh by the way you have my boon and also that Medea girl is going to be the key to victory, you actually cannot succeed without her" so Medea Sis Status = EXTRA CONFIRMED so I'm all happy.
So you know, this is actually getting KIND OF FUN. It still feels like Mass Effect crashed into God of War, but maybe that is not a bad thing??
TOMORROW: THE ARGO ACTUALLY LEAVES PORT.
JASON is the lord of Lolcats. He is having some kind of ceremony with his wife, who doesn't get a name. He dips a glowing rock in a pool of water and then tells her that he loves her. She responds by being shot in the chest with a poisoned arrow fired by a blind man and dying. Suddenly Hercules appears and he and Jason run around beating the living crap out of Ions. They are soldiers with their heads covered by helmets and who have impenetrable shields.
Later Jason leaps from a balcony to another balcony two feet away, but Hercules can't do this because he is about twelve Jasons big and his arms are tired from pulling dudes in half, so he goes around. Then another guy named Timmycus appears and he gets shot in the face to save Jason's life. Jason reacts by ninja-looting Timmy's sweet-ass seventy-pound solid bronze mace. Then he smashes in some more faces. After that Jason goes downstairs and finds one of his men with a huge-ass gladius sticking out of his chest, so Jason loots that too.
Jason doesn't seem to give a shit about people dying if he can steal their stuff. I am pretty sure this is accurate to greek mythology. This is all so the game can show off REAL TIME WEAPON CHANGING but I don't care because using the mace I can break shields and skulls at the same time, often in one swipe, and neither a spear nor a sword offers that to me. Anyway "Captain Itus" I think tells Jason that the assassin is a "Blacktongue" and then DOES NOT DIE making him the NPC with the most screentime, since Hercules still has not figured out how to walk around that two-foot gap successfully.
So me and my Dwarf Fortress-style "You sever his TORSO at the ANKLES" style critical hits eventually catch up to the archer guy, who shoots Hercules... hey, he made it! ... in the nipples with a couple of arrows. Hercules does not seem visibly bothered and one-hands the archer over to Jason, who beats his face in with a mace. Cut to Jason laying his wife out on a pedestal outside, and then we spin around to show that apparently he built a shrine to every single god and goddess he could think of around her. Oh she gets a name now. It's 'Alcheme'.
At this point I notice I can go into my menus and "dedicate" my "heroic deeds" to various "Gods" to get "perks". So far I have the following heroic deeds:
Killed a bunch of guys.
Killed more guys.
Killed even more guys.
Killed the guys invading my palace.
Killed the assassin who killed Jason's wife.
This is gonna be one of THOSE myths, y'know? Given my thing for maces, I skim the perk trees and decide that I'll be rolling with Ares and maybe Hermes, apparently. Sorry, Athena. No wisdom here. Sorry, Apollo. No... tanning... what does Apollo do? Truth, healing... yeah, screw that. FACEBASHING AHOY. We're doin' it violent and we're doin' it quick.
Jason heads out and rants at a statue of Zeus about how he does NOT ACCEPT IT. HE DOES NOT ACCEPT IT. NOT EVEN IF IT'S ZEUS'S WILL. HE DOES -NOT- ACCEPT IT. Anyway Hercules shows up, and wants to know when the last rites are. But if Jason sends Alcheme to the underworld, he'll never get her back, and HE DOES NOT ACCEPT IT. So he and Hercules derp for a while about what to do next.
Well... AH. Of course. The default solution to "I don't know something" in Greek myth. They'll head over and ask the Oracle what to do. But Delphi is a long ways away... right! The Ship! The ship that Master Argos is building! TO THE SHIP! Guys I think they're going to become... ARGONUTS.
Anyway we then meet Pelias, who introduces himself pretty much with "Jason I am your UNCLE and I CARE ABOUT YOU." Because let's just have characters state their identity and current feelings as soon as they appear. They bicker about whether or not bringing the dead back to life is impossible, and Jason flips out and starts ranting about how Alcheme was a DAUGHTER OF ARES and HEROES MAKE THE IMPOSSIBLE POSSIBLE and how HE SPEAKS FOR HER WHILE SHE IS UNABLE TO SPEAK and... y'know, if I play him like a raving psychotic this is not going to seem out of character is all I'm saying.
I wander around and talk with some nobles. Apparently King Lycopene, the bride's father, was NOT AT THE WEDDING. Gasp. This may cause an international incident! Jason, true to form, appears to give no fucks. Then the game crashes.
So this is where I'm gonna stop documenting unless something REALLY AMAZING happens, but... real talk, this is currently like Greek Mythology as seen through the MTV FILTER and I'm finding it hilarious and dumb and hilarious and really dumb. I'm loving it but I FEEL BAD about loving it. Also the game is kinda jerky and everyone makes the same facial expression and nobody can form a coherent thought without staring into space blankly first. So... yeah.
TRIPLE-A TITLE, CLAPS ALL AROUND.
--
More notes:
Weapon upgrade system in this game is kinda interesting. You get stuff at plot moments, not really as "loot" as such. It doesn't actually give you weapon power rankings. It just says "THIS WEAPON IS BETTER THAN YOUR CURRENT" and also says stuff like "Sends out shockwaves" or "Is good at breaking shields". I'm wondering if I'll ever find anything WORSE than my "current weapon" or if the game is tuned to give out only upgrades.
Recruited Medea! She is a vaguely Arabian (?!) witch covered in tattoos who can cast the Shinku Hadoken. She also claims she "Can't control her power" and "You don't know what I'll do", which makes me giggle. She's an ex-assassin/ex-Blacktongue, and she has a murder on for those guys and is willing to share. I like her. I'm taking her out next time I get a choice of party. UPDATES TO FOLLOW.
The Argo, I will admit, is TOTALLY AWESOME. It has a programmable star-reading navigating computer! It rows itself! It is a floating shrine to four gods! It has sliding doors! Medea... completely revamped her quarters and draped them all in blue silk and her room has MOOD LIGHTING, and she has locked herself into about a foot of clearance with magic wards so she doesn't -kill anyone by accident-. Medea, I think you are the best crewmember so far and I'm counting Hercules in that. You are my Magical WMD and I am -aching- to drop you on somebody.
Ahaha. You can go sit on Jason's throne and he will take petitions! You can be MURDERFACE, a smartass, a Wise Just Jedi Knight, or CAPTAIN BLANDO. The thing is, I don't think ANY CHOICE I am making, anywhere in this game, is affecting the plot. People just make noises and then the same thing that would happen anyway happens anyway. WHY DON'T I CARE. Anyway it turns out that the two gods I have picked to honor the mostest are Ares, God Of Smashing Some Fuckin' Face and Being Blunt and Murderous, and Hermes, God Of Being A Snarkbucket and Respecting Clever People. So basically I make fun of people until/unless they are AWESOME, and if they're jerks then I hit them in the head until they stop moving. NOT the petitioners, though. Not even that one guy.
So Jason stops off to honor his wife before leaving, and the Gods start talking to him, all "YOUR QUEST IS LIKELY IMPOSSIBLE AND BY THE WAY KIND OF FUCKED UP, YOU SHOULDN'T BRING BACK THE DEAD" and Jason is all "I will make the impossible possible." and I'm wanting to photoshop some Kamina glasses on him at this point because this is totally turning into Rise of the Gurren Lagannauts, and the gods all give him a boon and go "Good luck, this ought to be interesting to watch!" except Ares who is like "PFFT YOU WANT MY BOON YOU GO EARN IT, GO TO A CAVE AND BEAT UP A BUNCH OF MY WARRIORS" and Jason is all "'kay."
So around this point Hercules is all "Uh hey is there room on your new ship for me maybe?" and Jason is like "I don't know I'll have to ask Argo if there's a weight limit." (THIS IS A REAL THING HE SAYS) and Hercules is all "Yes that's very funny but seriously can we hang out on your quest?" and I picked "OF COURSE!" because it's HERCULES, and he got real happy and then threw a giant boulder aside so I could invade Ares' temple of FUCKING LAVAMEN AND ALSO A MINOTAUR to get his boon. So Hercules Bro Status = Double Confirmed, and also Ares was like "oh by the way you have my boon and also that Medea girl is going to be the key to victory, you actually cannot succeed without her" so Medea Sis Status = EXTRA CONFIRMED so I'm all happy.
So you know, this is actually getting KIND OF FUN. It still feels like Mass Effect crashed into God of War, but maybe that is not a bad thing??
TOMORROW: THE ARGO ACTUALLY LEAVES PORT.
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