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xyzzysqrlSubject unrelated.
Subject semi-related. I'm feeling very tense and twitchy, and I'm just in a mood to write down a whole bunch of random brickabrack. So here's... uh, me just screaming stuff into a monitor until it explodes?
Part of this might be that I've gently slid off my medication again.
Anyway. Not sensible, not connected, not needed to read this unless you're BORED. Also it's kinda whiny/angsty at points.
So part of what I'm feeling so anxious about is my attention span. It feels like it's getting shorter and shorter, and part of that may be that I have so damn much to do. There are eight video games I'm in various stages of playing, including three MMOs. There's twelve anime series on the "To Watch" list. There's a stack of books that I want very much to read. There's multiple card games I'd love to play some more of. I have Goon Show episodes to listen to. Did I mention the games? There's a backlog about fifty deep of unfinished/half-started titles...
I can pick exactly one of these things to do. I can do that thing for roughly an hour before I feel desperate to get away from it again. Then I can repeat.
It BOTHERS me. I want an attention span, damn it! I want to focus on stuff! I want to play Persona 4 all the way through, and finish Devil Survivor, and I know it annoys the boyfriend when we duo in an MMO and then abruptly I vanish for six weeks and leave him stranded in a high-level area.
Instead, I am writing an entry here about how unfocused I am, and it's about to get less focused again.
Drink I tried recently: Green Tea Flavored Ginger Ale. It was very sharp and astringent-tasting. Strong. I kind of liked it.
If I had a big enough bathtub, I would totally buy a whole bottle of bubble bath and use it all and damn the consequences. I'm in a bubbly sort of mood. Lots of carbonation, lots of twitching. Not sure why.
Lately I'm also emotional as hell. Get tear-eyed and weepy over the littlest emotional road-bump. I have a bunch of visual novels (and real novels, and such) that I'm not reading because gentle emotional tugs make me cry. ("This is Sqrl. Rainbows make me cry. Over.")
Also, if one more person talks to me earnestly about "casual versus hardcore" gaming and why it is/is not bad, I'm going on a tri-state-area killing spree.
Huh. It's probably that I'm off my medication again. I just realized I can't remember when I last took it. I should add a disclaimer to this, I'm really irritating when I'm off medication.
Yet, I'm not the worst off of the people I know by far. There's a few people who are even more out of it than I am, and... in a way that's comforting, and in a way I'm horrified and upset at myself for being comforted by it. I don't feel like I should admit that. So I'm going to. It's probably good for me.
Weirdly, I'm really, really looking forward to the Windows 7 release. I'm not sure why. It seems very nice.
Part of why I've been so quiet on my journal... I went back and read some of my old posts. I used to post these really wordy, intelligent things. I don't do that anymore. I figured out why... I really stopped being so chatty around the time I stopped reviewing. Just a little bit after that. That was when I realized that no, I wasn't ever going to be a professional writer, so there was no real point in continuing to blather and type so much. A year or two after that in the archives I'm back to simple one-line posts. I could never do something like the Rabbit And Dragon stories nowadays, I suspect. Nor the long mock-shaggy-dog story I wrote once.
NaNoWriMo is -right out-.
Hilariously, I make this claim of quietness as I write an ENORMOUS WALL OF TEXT. Maybe it's just that I don't have the tremendous personal issues I used to have, which results in me talking less? I've never disguised that writing here is kind of self-documentation for me. Things I'm thinking about at the time, etc. Lately, aside from being so inattentive and pulled in various directions, I've been really quite content. Life is -good-. We're settled in. The place is clean. Nothing's falling apart.
Great, I just made myself paranoid.
Do I have to be unhappy or upset about something to make myself do what I enjoy? Do I not enjoy doing the... admittedly very escapist... things I like, if there's nothing to escape from? If that's so, am I just someone who really really likes lying to themself?
Well. I'm out of energy for typing. Something else now, I guess.
Subject semi-related. I'm feeling very tense and twitchy, and I'm just in a mood to write down a whole bunch of random brickabrack. So here's... uh, me just screaming stuff into a monitor until it explodes?
Part of this might be that I've gently slid off my medication again.
Anyway. Not sensible, not connected, not needed to read this unless you're BORED. Also it's kinda whiny/angsty at points.
So part of what I'm feeling so anxious about is my attention span. It feels like it's getting shorter and shorter, and part of that may be that I have so damn much to do. There are eight video games I'm in various stages of playing, including three MMOs. There's twelve anime series on the "To Watch" list. There's a stack of books that I want very much to read. There's multiple card games I'd love to play some more of. I have Goon Show episodes to listen to. Did I mention the games? There's a backlog about fifty deep of unfinished/half-started titles...
I can pick exactly one of these things to do. I can do that thing for roughly an hour before I feel desperate to get away from it again. Then I can repeat.
It BOTHERS me. I want an attention span, damn it! I want to focus on stuff! I want to play Persona 4 all the way through, and finish Devil Survivor, and I know it annoys the boyfriend when we duo in an MMO and then abruptly I vanish for six weeks and leave him stranded in a high-level area.
Instead, I am writing an entry here about how unfocused I am, and it's about to get less focused again.
Drink I tried recently: Green Tea Flavored Ginger Ale. It was very sharp and astringent-tasting. Strong. I kind of liked it.
If I had a big enough bathtub, I would totally buy a whole bottle of bubble bath and use it all and damn the consequences. I'm in a bubbly sort of mood. Lots of carbonation, lots of twitching. Not sure why.
Lately I'm also emotional as hell. Get tear-eyed and weepy over the littlest emotional road-bump. I have a bunch of visual novels (and real novels, and such) that I'm not reading because gentle emotional tugs make me cry. ("This is Sqrl. Rainbows make me cry. Over.")
Also, if one more person talks to me earnestly about "casual versus hardcore" gaming and why it is/is not bad, I'm going on a tri-state-area killing spree.
Huh. It's probably that I'm off my medication again. I just realized I can't remember when I last took it. I should add a disclaimer to this, I'm really irritating when I'm off medication.
Yet, I'm not the worst off of the people I know by far. There's a few people who are even more out of it than I am, and... in a way that's comforting, and in a way I'm horrified and upset at myself for being comforted by it. I don't feel like I should admit that. So I'm going to. It's probably good for me.
Weirdly, I'm really, really looking forward to the Windows 7 release. I'm not sure why. It seems very nice.
Part of why I've been so quiet on my journal... I went back and read some of my old posts. I used to post these really wordy, intelligent things. I don't do that anymore. I figured out why... I really stopped being so chatty around the time I stopped reviewing. Just a little bit after that. That was when I realized that no, I wasn't ever going to be a professional writer, so there was no real point in continuing to blather and type so much. A year or two after that in the archives I'm back to simple one-line posts. I could never do something like the Rabbit And Dragon stories nowadays, I suspect. Nor the long mock-shaggy-dog story I wrote once.
NaNoWriMo is -right out-.
Hilariously, I make this claim of quietness as I write an ENORMOUS WALL OF TEXT. Maybe it's just that I don't have the tremendous personal issues I used to have, which results in me talking less? I've never disguised that writing here is kind of self-documentation for me. Things I'm thinking about at the time, etc. Lately, aside from being so inattentive and pulled in various directions, I've been really quite content. Life is -good-. We're settled in. The place is clean. Nothing's falling apart.
Great, I just made myself paranoid.
Do I have to be unhappy or upset about something to make myself do what I enjoy? Do I not enjoy doing the... admittedly very escapist... things I like, if there's nothing to escape from? If that's so, am I just someone who really really likes lying to themself?
Well. I'm out of energy for typing. Something else now, I guess.
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Date: 2009-07-23 06:10 pm (UTC)no subject
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Date: 2009-07-24 09:54 pm (UTC)