Do Not Read.

[xyzzysqrl]

Today I've been swinging hard from depressed to angry to bitter to complete sobbing despair to... god, I don't know. I know what the problem is. I've been running out of Paxil, and taking less to make it last because I don't know when I can see the psych again. Just... god. This hurts. I'm getting -all- the withdrawl symptoms. Neurological shocks, crying, extreme depression, sickness, flu symptoms, the works.

I want -off- this. I'm very tired of paxil, it doesn't really make a dent in what depression I have and it hurts to try to go off it. I feel addicted, not comfortable. Antidepressants are supposed to make you feel better, but when I'm on these I feel merely "bleh", and when I'm off them I feel -fucking horrible-. That's not withdraw, that's addiction. When you take something and feel betteR? That's okay. When you NEED something to feel even the least bit all right? That's BAD.

The worst part is that I get ... I don't know. I attack people. I storm off at minor things. I break out crying at... like, anything. I have no patience, and I'm HURTING PEOPLE I GIVE A DAMN ABOUT and that's completely unacceptable and what's worse is that I DON'T NOTICE until later.

I need to flush out my system and start over. I know that the medication and the withdrawl isn't my only problem, I'm overweight, I don't exercise, I have stretch marks you could measure your children with, I'm sick a lot, I have no ambition, etc etc etc. I'm a discount failure and a genetic dead-end. It's just that this is the one that makes all the others seem like too much to take.

Over the course of writing this I've gone from crying to angry. I'm just plain pissed at ... I don't know. Everything. It's another neurological swing I guess. I'm not giving up. I'm going to get to a point where I can -pretend- I'm a functioning person. 25 years of working on it hasn't gotten me there yet, but what the hell! I have time! Let's try 25 -more-.

Comments

[circuit-four.livejournal.com]

Darlin'. It's not you and it's not your fault. You know it won't do you any good to think like that. It's no more your fault nor part of your essential character than, say, a sprained ankle or an arrhythmia.

I know that doesn't make it hurt or frustrate any less... nor does me saying I've been in that same condition for a good third of my life and you're not alone... nor does me saying I still find the version of you I see on LJ, however incomplete and filtered it might be, as someone genuinely charming, funny, and thoughtful.

And that's not "damn, it's my turn to cheer up the depressed friend" talk, either. That's "I get too wrapped up in mundane crap to say important things like this more often" talk. I smile and giggle every damn time I think of those silly damn DC icons you made. Rik and I have been QUOTING the "40 cakes" one at each other constantly. We say we like you behind your back, and I guess we should say it to your front more often.

But anyhow, that's not what this is about -- this is about an errant bit of your neuroendocrine system, and I should stick to that. I was very lucky in a sense -- my bad reaction to Paxil consisted of 4 hours of giggling crazily, thinking I was a faerie dragon, and constantly forgetting Rik had gotten home and was five feet away... then slurring my speech the next day at work and cussing out random strangers while Rik steered me to the ER. And then I got the hell off of it and onto something better.

But it seems like you're really getting the shit end of this, and my sympathy is really really with you. Just remember, it's all just a little electrical storm. It's not really you and the bad emotions will all pass; in the meantime, you can't trust or believe anything bad you feel about yourself or your prospects. Not at all. I know that's really fuckin' hard in the midst of this -- but consider it an ORDER. ;)

God, the stuff about snapping at people and crying and storming off sounds so familiar. I missed out on a bunch of good stuff at a FurCon once because -- heh -- I'd bludgeoned my arm with a vacuum cleaner attachment in an angry, self-hating fit just before the con, and I couldn't fit in and out of my costume. :p And it's so hard sometimes to deal with people blaming you, and you blaming yourself, and feeling so far separate from who you really want to be, and not everybody understands it's just brain chemistry...

You are one of the freaks, dear, and I cherish you for that, I really do. I keep getting in trouble for saying like this, but I think that people who are somewhat psychologically broken are more likely to develop a little more self-awareness and depth in the long run, because they can't treat their minds like they're totally transparent. I know it hurts a lot, hon. And I can't promise it will get better. But I can promise it's a pretty likely scenario.

If you need anything, drop me a line.

[xyzzysqrl]

Hee. Actually, those are swiped off Scans Daily, I didn't make 'em. (I don't make any of my icons, except the four Mouse Voltron one from Sealab...)

You're right, though. This is a neurological Thing. It's not fully me, although a little of it -is-. It's just that I have to climb uphill, get this crap OUT of my system, and then get onto something helpful.

... But thank you. I like you a lot too. (And I like your music.)

[circuit-four.livejournal.com]

Really? I could've sworn Rik told me you'd made them, which tells you something about how highly we esteem your sense of bad pop culture humor. :)

Best of luck with the brain adjustments, hon. If you ever want to share notes on psychiatrist wrasslin', you know where to reach me.

[ionotter.livejournal.com]

If you hadn't said you were going through withdrawl on Paxil, I'd say you were a dead ringer for going cold turkey on cigarettes. I swear to God, the symptoms are almost exactly the same.

Mom would simply hide under the covers for hours at a time, unable to come out and make dinner. She'd simply break down and start crying at the check out in the grocery store. I've seen her go from full-on roid-rage to complete collapse in a blubbering heap.

She made it, though? She's free of them, now and doing so much better.

Just like you'll be free of what's hurting you. And we'll do our best to help you get through it, just like the complete strangers in that checkout line at the Grand Union who cheered my mom on for giving up smokes.

Hang in there, bro, cause you're DEFINITELY not alone in this.

[phennphawcks.livejournal.com]

*cuddle*

[ff00ff.livejournal.com]

Argh. Were you reading when I went through Paxil withdrawl? Its so nasty. When you do see a doctor again make sure to mention that you want an SSRI with a longer half-life. I'm on prozac now, its got a half-life of about a week, as opposed to paxil, which has a half-life of about 2 days. That basically means if I miss a dose, reduce my dose, or just stop it all together my body gets rid of the stuff gradually and my brain isn't suddenly shocked by a neurochemical change.

I want to assure you that it will get better very abruptly. It should only last a few days (mine lasted about seven days I think, and thats longer than I was told it was supposed to) but... you might want to take off of work or something if you can because you will be really uncomfortable :/

[ff00ff.livejournal.com]

Also, I know what you are talking about when you say paxil just makes you feel blah. I'm on a medium/high dose of prozac right now, about 60mg and it's worlds better than Paxil. I feel well, not depressed. It still interferes with the libido, and upsets my stomach a little after I take a pill, but the mood is much better, and missing a dose is not a big deal at all.

[foxish.livejournal.com]

I'm not a fan of medications that hop into your mental widgets and foff about like a Republican at a war funding meeting. While they have their place and I've seen them work, it's a very hit and miss situation with many more misses than hits. A touch like trying to kill ants by swinging Rosie O'Donnell at them, pills that are meant to make you artificially happy strike me as an exercise in agony, frustration, and home remodeling.

If you're worried that withdrawal is going to be come a severe issue, physically and-or mentally, you may wish to toddle over to the hospital--possibly even the ER if it gets extreme enough--and see what they can do to help if anything. Bearing in mind my research consists entirely of browsing the Wikipedia article, and all my medical expertise is based on things I remember from episodes of ER and House, Paxil has the worst reports of a documented medical condition, SSRI Discontinuation Syndrome (as Glaxo-Smith-Klein refuses to use the term "withdrawal"), something that your doctor-slash-shrink was supposed to explain to you when prescribing the medication initially.

I don't want to worry you, squirrel, seriously, but if you're freaked out about withdrawal and you're out of the medication that'll stave it off then start calling the doc and working out a tapering regimen or something of that nature. If you tell him this medication does not work for you and you want off it, it's your right to do so and his responsibility to find something more effective and less damaging while helping you through the withdrawal stage however he can. Don't try to take this all on yourself if you don't have to.

I want you to be as normal as you can be too, fuzzy. I miss m' fruity squirrel sometimes. If I could fly out there with a few choice people, I'd do so in a heartbeat. Christmas With The The Freesquirrels!

[orrin.livejournal.com]

Whenever I miss a dose of whatever it is that I'm on (you'd think I'd remember) I just get dizzy and headache-y. Which is bad enough.

I feel for you, though. The system of medication that we've got going on for mental issues is frustrating at best. I'd recommend maybe going to see a regular doctor about this, possibly, rather than a psychiatrist? I dunno. It definitely sounds like you're on the wrong medication, though, and they oughtta get you onto something else as quickly and painlessly as possible.