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[E3] Magical Nintendo Christmas [E3]
Greetings, loved ones.
Last night I dreamed that Nintendo's E3 started with red text on a white background that told us all to dig out our old Gamecubes. Once they were plugged in and hooked up, Nintendo started a countdown timer before pulsing a signal from a satellite they had in orbit for the occasion.
A new slot appeared on the front of the Gamecube, and the digital ghost of Satoru Iwata projected from it like a hologram to tell us world peace was in our hearts all along, but then the cassette tape he was recorded on inside the Gamecube got tangled and his voice turned into the voice of John F. Kennedy explaining that it was time to go to Mars.
Then I woke up.
I am pretty sure Nintendo's actual E3 conference is going to be marginally less deranged than that.
--
So it is down to you, and it is down to me, and it is down to Nintendo. With their presentation just fifteen minutes away, it all comes down to one simple thought:
Please be good.
Looks like we're kicking off with a Smash announcement.
It is the DQ11 Hero.
DQ theme music and all. HI SLIME YOU'RE ADORABLE.
But the Hero's down and backed in a corner. Who comes to save him? .... DQ8's hero and DQ4?
And there's Erdrick.
Are these ALL SKINS?
He's got a Magic Menu.
Summer 2019 for ... uh, it looks like just about ALL the heroes? I couldn't tell.
Straight into a plug for DQ11 S of course.
Koizumi from Nintendo greets us, happy to show off some new games. He's also here to introduce BOWSER.
Like, huge grunty Mario Bowser.
No here's Doug Bowser. "I'M the right Bowser for this presentation." Koopa Bowser looks highly distressed that he's the 'wrong' dude. He is the right dude in my heart.
"Are you related?"
"No, but we get that a lot."
Games for every type of player will be shown, allegedly.
Such as Luigi's Mansion 3, which is for... uhhhhh ... Luigi fans.
Does Luigi have a ghost dog now? When did that happen?
Luigi can shoot plungers on a string now. A+ stickin' to themes.
Also introducing Gooigi, who is made of slime and already someone's fetish.
Gooigi is invincible... unless you get him wet. He dissolves in water.
Quad-Luigi action in a four-player ... roguelike tower mode? Huh.
Available in "2019", generic.
More of that on the Treehouse streams, where I assume they will stealth-announce at least one title I'll have to scramble for info about.
Netflix logo...
The Dark Crystal, in tactical RPG form.
"Dark Crystal: Age of Resistance Tactics".
Here's the Link's Awakening remake.
I don't have anything to say about this I haven't said before, but it's still precious-looking and I'm real glad to hear this version of the Overworld theme given a lavish full treatment, it's a stomper.
New mode: Place chambers you can find on your adventures to build-your-own dungeon?
Ballad of the Wind Fish is still gorgeous, this comes out Sept 20th.
Square Enix showing a ... big ... tree OH YES
... IT'S A 3D SEIKEN DENSETSU 3 REMAKE
"TRIALS OF MANA"
"Early 2020" THEY DIDN'T TELL ANYONE ABOUT —
—Oh also the original FFAdventure/Secret of Mana/Trials of Mana trilogy box.
For purists. And for me. I'll be buying that. That's a good deal.
It's The Witcher 3 on Switch.
The Switcher. (not really.)
Complete Edition, all DLC included.
Something very 3D anime. I think this is... yeah this is Fire Emblem Three Houses.
Has a very Berserk-looking skull knight.
I don't know WHAT the plot of this game is. Everyone went to school but now they have to kill each other and there's, uh, time guardians and... ??? I have not been following this at all.
"You can take the Switch anywhere. In fact, it might be fun to play Resident Evil at a location like this."
Two live-action dumbass teens go to the most haunted-ass mansion in a 500 mile radius to play Resident Evil 1 Remake.
Resident Evil 5 and 6 also coming to Switch.
Someone ... Henshins into an iron-suited metal hero... is this Travis Touchdown?
Yeah it is, I'd recognize that beam sword and suplex anywhere.
"My name is Travis Touchdown. I'm the last hero around, here to save the world."
No More Heroes III.
New 3D behind-the-back Contra game starring a playable panda with a minigun and some other dudes I don't care about nearly as much.
It sounds like I'm making this whole presentation up, I realize, but I'm not.
Contra: Rogue Corps.
Online 4-player multiplayer.
Also a 10-game Contra collection out today.
That Daemon X Machina mecha game from the other year. It's every anime voice actor you recognize yelling things at each other and slashing it up against giant battleships.
This game is gonna have a soundtrack like Metal Gear Rising and I am down for that.
!!!!! Pa... Panzer Dragoon ...
Panzer Dragoon remake. I think this is PD1.
Yeah, Panzer Dragoon 1. That game's like 20 minutes long if you know what you're doing but who cares it's awesome and it's fuckin' remade and you should all buy it so we get more remakes of the Panzer Dragoon series including legendary $300 game Panzer Dragoon Saga.
"We just wanted to remind you: Pokemon Sword and Shield exist."
A kind of Pokewalker functionaity with the Pokeball Go ball. (?)
Showing off Gym Leader Nessa. She looks ... pretty awesome.
(Water-type.)
They're showing more Pokemon on Treehouse right after the direct.
Now we're going to shift gears to...
Oh it's that buddy cop thing from last year. Astral Chain or the like. I thought it was Shin Megami Tensei V for a second, because everything is happening today and reality no longer has boundries.
You can still ride the astral robot wolf. Still 10/10 game.
There's release dates for all this, but it's all coming very fast and I have to keep up.
Mobsters in the 1920. Empire of Sin.
Marvel Ultimate Alliance 3, still thinking about popping off a preorder for this.
Ooh, I see the Destroyer armor on the bad guy side.
PLAYABLE ELSA BLOODSTONE!
DEEPEST FUCKING CUT.
Elektra, Ghost Rider ... This is a great character lineup.
Expansion pack will include more X-Men, Marvel Knights, and Fantastic Four characters. That's a good use for an expansion.
That Crypt of the Necrodancer Zelda spinoff. Cadence of Hyrule. June 13th on that.
Mario and Sonic (and friends) go to the Olympics again. Peach tai-kwon-dos Tails right in the face, but he counters.
Waluigi has an unfair fencing advantage with those arms.
"Now for some follow-up information on a game fans have been waiting for..."
Nook Inc. Travel Package takes you a deserted island. It's Animal Crossing!
With ...crafting? ... What?
They're giving us an Animal Crossing game where you go to a deserted island and don't see anyone?
... oh there's lots of other fucking HUMANS sure. Multiplayer confirmed on your deserted island I guess.
Animal Crossing New Horizons.
No, there's SOME furries there.
Okay fine I'll take it but... nnhhh.
Coming out in March 2020. It was going to come out this year, but they needed to delay it for quality reasons.
Hopefully to put more furries in it.
Highlight reel!
Spyro the Dragon, Hollow Knight, Ni no Kuni, Minecraft Dungeons, Elder Scrolls Blades, My Friend Pedro, Doom Eternal, The Sinking City, Wolfenstein Youngblood, Dead by Daylight, Alien Isolation, Crystal Chronicles, DQ Builders 2, Stranger Things The Game, Just Dance 2020, Catan, New Super Lucky's Tale (!?!?!!?!? WAIT NO GO BACK TO THIS ONE), Dauntless, Mario Maker 2.
Donkey Kong and K.Rool sleep together now? And the Duck Hunt dog invades the jungle specifically to mock them.
THE NEXT SMASH CHARACTERS ARE BANJO AND KAZOOIE.
I mean, after the Dragon Questers.
Fall 2019 for that duo.
"We have more games beyond what we've shown you today."
"Speaking of. Let's see one last thing."
Weird floaty energy lines. This looks very mystic/magical.
That's Link and... a short-haired Zelda maybe? Yeah it's all braided up.
They've WOKEN THE HIVE!
They woke some Redeads and they looked -real pissed-.
"The sequel to Breath of the Wild is now in development."
I'm, uh, kinda hoping Braids-Edition Zelda is playable.
Oh wait, they want to make the point: "A FULL SEQUEL, NOT DLC."
So!
HOPES: Little bit of a monkey's paw with Animal Crossing but we have literally seen three minutes of it. I'm prepared to trust Nintendo on this.
EXPECTATIONS: No Labo at all. Smash DLC? Yes.
HYPE LEVEL: Not one, but TWO versions of Seiken 3 coming out, I had given up hope on this after Squeenix came and went. Good good Smash DLC. Panzer Dragoon! Yeah I can get some air off this.
Not bad! Not bad at all.
See you for the wrap-up sometime after my fingers cool down. *shove in ice water*
Last night I dreamed that Nintendo's E3 started with red text on a white background that told us all to dig out our old Gamecubes. Once they were plugged in and hooked up, Nintendo started a countdown timer before pulsing a signal from a satellite they had in orbit for the occasion.
A new slot appeared on the front of the Gamecube, and the digital ghost of Satoru Iwata projected from it like a hologram to tell us world peace was in our hearts all along, but then the cassette tape he was recorded on inside the Gamecube got tangled and his voice turned into the voice of John F. Kennedy explaining that it was time to go to Mars.
Then I woke up.
I am pretty sure Nintendo's actual E3 conference is going to be marginally less deranged than that.
--
So it is down to you, and it is down to me, and it is down to Nintendo. With their presentation just fifteen minutes away, it all comes down to one simple thought:
Please be good.
Looks like we're kicking off with a Smash announcement.
It is the DQ11 Hero.
DQ theme music and all. HI SLIME YOU'RE ADORABLE.
But the Hero's down and backed in a corner. Who comes to save him? .... DQ8's hero and DQ4?
And there's Erdrick.
Are these ALL SKINS?
He's got a Magic Menu.
Summer 2019 for ... uh, it looks like just about ALL the heroes? I couldn't tell.
Straight into a plug for DQ11 S of course.
Koizumi from Nintendo greets us, happy to show off some new games. He's also here to introduce BOWSER.
Like, huge grunty Mario Bowser.
No here's Doug Bowser. "I'M the right Bowser for this presentation." Koopa Bowser looks highly distressed that he's the 'wrong' dude. He is the right dude in my heart.
"Are you related?"
"No, but we get that a lot."
Games for every type of player will be shown, allegedly.
Such as Luigi's Mansion 3, which is for... uhhhhh ... Luigi fans.
Does Luigi have a ghost dog now? When did that happen?
Luigi can shoot plungers on a string now. A+ stickin' to themes.
Also introducing Gooigi, who is made of slime and already someone's fetish.
Gooigi is invincible... unless you get him wet. He dissolves in water.
Quad-Luigi action in a four-player ... roguelike tower mode? Huh.
Available in "2019", generic.
More of that on the Treehouse streams, where I assume they will stealth-announce at least one title I'll have to scramble for info about.
Netflix logo...
The Dark Crystal, in tactical RPG form.
"Dark Crystal: Age of Resistance Tactics".
Here's the Link's Awakening remake.
I don't have anything to say about this I haven't said before, but it's still precious-looking and I'm real glad to hear this version of the Overworld theme given a lavish full treatment, it's a stomper.
New mode: Place chambers you can find on your adventures to build-your-own dungeon?
Ballad of the Wind Fish is still gorgeous, this comes out Sept 20th.
Square Enix showing a ... big ... tree OH YES
... IT'S A 3D SEIKEN DENSETSU 3 REMAKE
"TRIALS OF MANA"
"Early 2020" THEY DIDN'T TELL ANYONE ABOUT —
—Oh also the original FFAdventure/Secret of Mana/Trials of Mana trilogy box.
For purists. And for me. I'll be buying that. That's a good deal.
It's The Witcher 3 on Switch.
The Switcher. (not really.)
Complete Edition, all DLC included.
Something very 3D anime. I think this is... yeah this is Fire Emblem Three Houses.
Has a very Berserk-looking skull knight.
I don't know WHAT the plot of this game is. Everyone went to school but now they have to kill each other and there's, uh, time guardians and... ??? I have not been following this at all.
"You can take the Switch anywhere. In fact, it might be fun to play Resident Evil at a location like this."
Two live-action dumbass teens go to the most haunted-ass mansion in a 500 mile radius to play Resident Evil 1 Remake.
Resident Evil 5 and 6 also coming to Switch.
Someone ... Henshins into an iron-suited metal hero... is this Travis Touchdown?
Yeah it is, I'd recognize that beam sword and suplex anywhere.
"My name is Travis Touchdown. I'm the last hero around, here to save the world."
No More Heroes III.
New 3D behind-the-back Contra game starring a playable panda with a minigun and some other dudes I don't care about nearly as much.
It sounds like I'm making this whole presentation up, I realize, but I'm not.
Contra: Rogue Corps.
Online 4-player multiplayer.
Also a 10-game Contra collection out today.
That Daemon X Machina mecha game from the other year. It's every anime voice actor you recognize yelling things at each other and slashing it up against giant battleships.
This game is gonna have a soundtrack like Metal Gear Rising and I am down for that.
!!!!! Pa... Panzer Dragoon ...
Panzer Dragoon remake. I think this is PD1.
Yeah, Panzer Dragoon 1. That game's like 20 minutes long if you know what you're doing but who cares it's awesome and it's fuckin' remade and you should all buy it so we get more remakes of the Panzer Dragoon series including legendary $300 game Panzer Dragoon Saga.
"We just wanted to remind you: Pokemon Sword and Shield exist."
A kind of Pokewalker functionaity with the Pokeball Go ball. (?)
Showing off Gym Leader Nessa. She looks ... pretty awesome.
(Water-type.)
They're showing more Pokemon on Treehouse right after the direct.
Now we're going to shift gears to...
Oh it's that buddy cop thing from last year. Astral Chain or the like. I thought it was Shin Megami Tensei V for a second, because everything is happening today and reality no longer has boundries.
You can still ride the astral robot wolf. Still 10/10 game.
There's release dates for all this, but it's all coming very fast and I have to keep up.
Mobsters in the 1920. Empire of Sin.
Marvel Ultimate Alliance 3, still thinking about popping off a preorder for this.
Ooh, I see the Destroyer armor on the bad guy side.
PLAYABLE ELSA BLOODSTONE!
DEEPEST FUCKING CUT.
Elektra, Ghost Rider ... This is a great character lineup.
Expansion pack will include more X-Men, Marvel Knights, and Fantastic Four characters. That's a good use for an expansion.
That Crypt of the Necrodancer Zelda spinoff. Cadence of Hyrule. June 13th on that.
Mario and Sonic (and friends) go to the Olympics again. Peach tai-kwon-dos Tails right in the face, but he counters.
Waluigi has an unfair fencing advantage with those arms.
"Now for some follow-up information on a game fans have been waiting for..."
Nook Inc. Travel Package takes you a deserted island. It's Animal Crossing!
With ...crafting? ... What?
They're giving us an Animal Crossing game where you go to a deserted island and don't see anyone?
... oh there's lots of other fucking HUMANS sure. Multiplayer confirmed on your deserted island I guess.
Animal Crossing New Horizons.
No, there's SOME furries there.
Okay fine I'll take it but... nnhhh.
Coming out in March 2020. It was going to come out this year, but they needed to delay it for quality reasons.
Hopefully to put more furries in it.
Highlight reel!
Spyro the Dragon, Hollow Knight, Ni no Kuni, Minecraft Dungeons, Elder Scrolls Blades, My Friend Pedro, Doom Eternal, The Sinking City, Wolfenstein Youngblood, Dead by Daylight, Alien Isolation, Crystal Chronicles, DQ Builders 2, Stranger Things The Game, Just Dance 2020, Catan, New Super Lucky's Tale (!?!?!!?!? WAIT NO GO BACK TO THIS ONE), Dauntless, Mario Maker 2.
Donkey Kong and K.Rool sleep together now? And the Duck Hunt dog invades the jungle specifically to mock them.
THE NEXT SMASH CHARACTERS ARE BANJO AND KAZOOIE.
I mean, after the Dragon Questers.
Fall 2019 for that duo.
"We have more games beyond what we've shown you today."
"Speaking of. Let's see one last thing."
Weird floaty energy lines. This looks very mystic/magical.
That's Link and... a short-haired Zelda maybe? Yeah it's all braided up.
They've WOKEN THE HIVE!
They woke some Redeads and they looked -real pissed-.
"The sequel to Breath of the Wild is now in development."
I'm, uh, kinda hoping Braids-Edition Zelda is playable.
Oh wait, they want to make the point: "A FULL SEQUEL, NOT DLC."
So!
HOPES: Little bit of a monkey's paw with Animal Crossing but we have literally seen three minutes of it. I'm prepared to trust Nintendo on this.
EXPECTATIONS: No Labo at all. Smash DLC? Yes.
HYPE LEVEL: Not one, but TWO versions of Seiken 3 coming out, I had given up hope on this after Squeenix came and went. Good good Smash DLC. Panzer Dragoon! Yeah I can get some air off this.
Not bad! Not bad at all.
See you for the wrap-up sometime after my fingers cool down. *shove in ice water*
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