Vampire: Bloodlines part 9: Stealth Parody
Dec. 7th, 2013 04:35 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
xyzzysqrlSo I'm back, after a day off for medical reasons! (Nothing big, don't worry.) Y'all can feel free to keep suggesting stuff, and I will collect all the info, combine it with my own ideas, boil it down to character traits I am actually allowed to use in video games, and come up with a vote next time I draw one of these immersive-type RPGs or something with a good amount of character flexibility.
Right now, if you're curious, the list of suggestions I feel I can use looks like this, with my personal commentary notes in parenthesis:
Nancy Drew
Rita Mordio (ToV)
Yuri Lowell (ToV, Next-to-no tolerance for abusive crime)
Princess Ashe
Shadow the Hedgehog - (Be a hero, but a huge dick about it)
Daniel Jackson (SG1) (Historian, linguist, ask first, shoot later)
FOTNS Kenshiro (Fists and justice.)
Gilder (Skies of Arcadia, Gun-heavy pirate, Must take every romance option possible whether it's a good idea or not)
Harvey Dent - (Flip a coin for all moral choices)
Jim Carrey, Liar Liar (Compulsive Honesty, No Tact)
Anyway, let's get on with Bloodlines, shall we? When we last left Ashe, she had two places left to go: A local dance club, or a museum to secure that sarcophagus and actually progress the plot. Obviously we're not progressing the plot yet, so ...
It actually takes me quite a while to find Venus' dance club, because I'm thinking like... disco. I walk right past the enormous cathedral-like building with the hellish red glow pouring out of the windows, because I'm convinced it must be some big battle-zone or possibly the way to Diablo's lair or something. I even end up stopping by Fat Larry again (and retiring our faithful shin gunto katana in favor of a big fire-axe) for directions. As it happens, yes. The hell-cathedral IS a dance club. Who knew?
Inside the First Church of Getting Your Funky Ass Down, we find Venus the bartender with a very simple job for us. There's these russian dudes outside. I should go tell them that no, she's NOT going to give them any money. And then I should run away as fast as I can. I do exactly this, then go back to talk to Venus about what's up.
Venus runs down the story: To get this club, she took out a loan from the Russian Mafia. Now there's this fat dude named Boris who wants to either fuck her or fuck her over, on alternating months. If Ashe is willing to take care of this problem, there's a position as "co-owner" for her. ... Fat dude with his fingers everywhere, huh? Not Ashe's game, but it sounds like something worth taking care of. She and her new axe take a trip to the Empire Arms hotel penthouse.
Up in the penthouse Boris (...he's not fat!) makes me a counter-offer: Kill Venus and HE'LL pay me. While that is an interesting offer (not really) I elect to say no. At which point he opens fire without even the chance for a Domination choice. Oh well, fireaxe away! Unfortunately Boris has a tidal wave of hired goons who come knocking on his door and they all have SMGs and are very irritated with Ashe's problem-solving routine. It gets a little messy on the way out. Then again, the Empire has a top-notch cleaning staff. I'm sure they'll be fine.
Venus is delighted to hear Boris is dead, but when I start to suggest little tweaks to the club... y'know, as a co-owner? She declares that she's got to go fire her DJ for playing too much eighties post-second-neowave disco electronica, or something. I am sad about this. (As a side note, there's a FANTASTIC newspaper clipping on her wall.)
From here it's off to the museum. ...this is gonna be another stealth mission, isn't it. Oh lord. I take a few moments to charge up the tank of blood so I can inflict Sleep status on any guards. OKAY here goes. The game starts me creeping down from the roof access, so I turn the corner and... WTF velociraptor. ... Apparently put there as a prank to scare the cleaning crew. What the HELL, people.
This sets the tone for the Museum Mission, as Ashe engages in what can only be called a "Stealthical Farce". Highlight reel:
- Noticing a guard approaching, Ashe hurls herself over the railing from the second story to the first. As she lands, she looks around and discovers that there are THREE MORE guards patroling down here and none of them saw her swan-dive. She crabwalks out, stage left.
- Ashe finds a locked "Lost and Found" room, with a ceiling grate she leaps at and dangles from repeatedly before dropping to the floor. (Fucking HL2 fucking ladder physics fuckity fuckaroo.) Grouchily she decides she will simply never have to go in there, at which point she finds a note stating that some important keys have been left in the lost and found room.
- Ashe attempts to sneak back upstairs to canvas the second floor properly. As she's sneaking along, alert for guards, a T-Rex roars directly behind her. It's a motion-activated wall-mount exhibit. Probably entertains the children greatly! ...happily the guards DO NOT come sprinting.
And so on, and so on. Sigh. Let's get into the spirit of this thing.
Eventually I manage to find my way into a restroom, and from there to a maintance closet, and from THERE into the duct system, and from THERE into the lost and found room. Although getting into the lost and found does require me to lunge out of the heating ducts and put a dude to sleep -as I'm falling past the back of his head- to avoid alerting him.
"Huh? What was that noise? Why'd the vent on the ceili--"
"AAAAA ICOMMANDYOUTOSLEEP" *THUD*
*seconds later, dude flops on top of, snores*
...well that went well. This nets me the keys to the basement. ... this place has a basement? Shit.
Okay, one of these doors leads to a basement. Eventually THAT'S located, as Ashe scrambles urgently ahead or just behind touring guards. Then it's down to the basement, which is... completely covered by CCTV cameras.
Oh you know what? Blow THIS. The Prince said "don't kill anyone", he didn't say "nobody can ever see you". Ashe runs like a linebacker through the guards, except linebackers don't render people narcoleptic when they're inside fifteen feet of them. LA LA LA SCREW ALL Y'ALL THIS IS NONLETHAL SLEEP BRAINFUCKERY.
"AAAAAAA ooh a key AAAAAA ooh occult artifact for Pisha AAAAA shit a keypad REVERSE AAAAAAA note with keypad code AAAAAAA keypad unlocked! AAAAA" etc. Eventually I hit the last room of the museum and -- of course the casket is gone. WHY WOULDN'T IT BE GONE. *throw up hands* Beckett shows up, because he was interested in getting a look at this piece of ancient history, but... no, he doesn't know where it went either. Talking to him does give me a straight-up free scholarship boost though. And I get my bonus XP for doing a no-kill run of the museum. AHAHAHA I AM TECHNICALLY CORRECT AND THAT IS THE BEST KIND OF CORRECT.
Back at the Tower, LaCroix is maudlin. "The folly of leadership is knowing that, no matter what you do, behind your back there are hundreds, certain that their own solution is the sounder one, and that your decision was the by-product of a whimsical dart toss." he explains. For the first time I feel a pang of connection, almost sympath -- no, it's gone, still kind of a jerk.
He's called a blood-hunt for Nines, and he's eager to hear about the sarcophagus. Will I need help carrying it up? Errr... Yeah, he flips the hell out when he hears it's been stolen. But with a critical diference: He has a suspect. "Gary", the Nosferatu primogen. Would I care to run out to Hollywood and throw around some accusations?
WOULD I?
Next time: Hollywood!
Right now, if you're curious, the list of suggestions I feel I can use looks like this, with my personal commentary notes in parenthesis:
Nancy Drew
Rita Mordio (ToV)
Yuri Lowell (ToV, Next-to-no tolerance for abusive crime)
Princess Ashe
Shadow the Hedgehog - (Be a hero, but a huge dick about it)
Daniel Jackson (SG1) (Historian, linguist, ask first, shoot later)
FOTNS Kenshiro (Fists and justice.)
Gilder (Skies of Arcadia, Gun-heavy pirate, Must take every romance option possible whether it's a good idea or not)
Harvey Dent - (Flip a coin for all moral choices)
Jim Carrey, Liar Liar (Compulsive Honesty, No Tact)
Anyway, let's get on with Bloodlines, shall we? When we last left Ashe, she had two places left to go: A local dance club, or a museum to secure that sarcophagus and actually progress the plot. Obviously we're not progressing the plot yet, so ...
It actually takes me quite a while to find Venus' dance club, because I'm thinking like... disco. I walk right past the enormous cathedral-like building with the hellish red glow pouring out of the windows, because I'm convinced it must be some big battle-zone or possibly the way to Diablo's lair or something. I even end up stopping by Fat Larry again (and retiring our faithful shin gunto katana in favor of a big fire-axe) for directions. As it happens, yes. The hell-cathedral IS a dance club. Who knew?
Inside the First Church of Getting Your Funky Ass Down, we find Venus the bartender with a very simple job for us. There's these russian dudes outside. I should go tell them that no, she's NOT going to give them any money. And then I should run away as fast as I can. I do exactly this, then go back to talk to Venus about what's up.
Venus runs down the story: To get this club, she took out a loan from the Russian Mafia. Now there's this fat dude named Boris who wants to either fuck her or fuck her over, on alternating months. If Ashe is willing to take care of this problem, there's a position as "co-owner" for her. ... Fat dude with his fingers everywhere, huh? Not Ashe's game, but it sounds like something worth taking care of. She and her new axe take a trip to the Empire Arms hotel penthouse.
Up in the penthouse Boris (...he's not fat!) makes me a counter-offer: Kill Venus and HE'LL pay me. While that is an interesting offer (not really) I elect to say no. At which point he opens fire without even the chance for a Domination choice. Oh well, fireaxe away! Unfortunately Boris has a tidal wave of hired goons who come knocking on his door and they all have SMGs and are very irritated with Ashe's problem-solving routine. It gets a little messy on the way out. Then again, the Empire has a top-notch cleaning staff. I'm sure they'll be fine.
Venus is delighted to hear Boris is dead, but when I start to suggest little tweaks to the club... y'know, as a co-owner? She declares that she's got to go fire her DJ for playing too much eighties post-second-neowave disco electronica, or something. I am sad about this. (As a side note, there's a FANTASTIC newspaper clipping on her wall.)
From here it's off to the museum. ...this is gonna be another stealth mission, isn't it. Oh lord. I take a few moments to charge up the tank of blood so I can inflict Sleep status on any guards. OKAY here goes. The game starts me creeping down from the roof access, so I turn the corner and... WTF velociraptor. ... Apparently put there as a prank to scare the cleaning crew. What the HELL, people.
This sets the tone for the Museum Mission, as Ashe engages in what can only be called a "Stealthical Farce". Highlight reel:
- Noticing a guard approaching, Ashe hurls herself over the railing from the second story to the first. As she lands, she looks around and discovers that there are THREE MORE guards patroling down here and none of them saw her swan-dive. She crabwalks out, stage left.
- Ashe finds a locked "Lost and Found" room, with a ceiling grate she leaps at and dangles from repeatedly before dropping to the floor. (Fucking HL2 fucking ladder physics fuckity fuckaroo.) Grouchily she decides she will simply never have to go in there, at which point she finds a note stating that some important keys have been left in the lost and found room.
- Ashe attempts to sneak back upstairs to canvas the second floor properly. As she's sneaking along, alert for guards, a T-Rex roars directly behind her. It's a motion-activated wall-mount exhibit. Probably entertains the children greatly! ...happily the guards DO NOT come sprinting.
And so on, and so on. Sigh. Let's get into the spirit of this thing.
Eventually I manage to find my way into a restroom, and from there to a maintance closet, and from THERE into the duct system, and from THERE into the lost and found room. Although getting into the lost and found does require me to lunge out of the heating ducts and put a dude to sleep -as I'm falling past the back of his head- to avoid alerting him.
"Huh? What was that noise? Why'd the vent on the ceili--"
"AAAAA ICOMMANDYOUTOSLEEP" *THUD*
*seconds later, dude flops on top of, snores*
...well that went well. This nets me the keys to the basement. ... this place has a basement? Shit.
Okay, one of these doors leads to a basement. Eventually THAT'S located, as Ashe scrambles urgently ahead or just behind touring guards. Then it's down to the basement, which is... completely covered by CCTV cameras.
Oh you know what? Blow THIS. The Prince said "don't kill anyone", he didn't say "nobody can ever see you". Ashe runs like a linebacker through the guards, except linebackers don't render people narcoleptic when they're inside fifteen feet of them. LA LA LA SCREW ALL Y'ALL THIS IS NONLETHAL SLEEP BRAINFUCKERY.
"AAAAAAA ooh a key AAAAAA ooh occult artifact for Pisha AAAAA shit a keypad REVERSE AAAAAAA note with keypad code AAAAAAA keypad unlocked! AAAAA" etc. Eventually I hit the last room of the museum and -- of course the casket is gone. WHY WOULDN'T IT BE GONE. *throw up hands* Beckett shows up, because he was interested in getting a look at this piece of ancient history, but... no, he doesn't know where it went either. Talking to him does give me a straight-up free scholarship boost though. And I get my bonus XP for doing a no-kill run of the museum. AHAHAHA I AM TECHNICALLY CORRECT AND THAT IS THE BEST KIND OF CORRECT.
Back at the Tower, LaCroix is maudlin. "The folly of leadership is knowing that, no matter what you do, behind your back there are hundreds, certain that their own solution is the sounder one, and that your decision was the by-product of a whimsical dart toss." he explains. For the first time I feel a pang of connection, almost sympath -- no, it's gone, still kind of a jerk.
He's called a blood-hunt for Nines, and he's eager to hear about the sarcophagus. Will I need help carrying it up? Errr... Yeah, he flips the hell out when he hears it's been stolen. But with a critical diference: He has a suspect. "Gary", the Nosferatu primogen. Would I care to run out to Hollywood and throw around some accusations?
WOULD I?
Next time: Hollywood!
