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Legaia 2 Part 3: In Which I Reach The First Dungeon Already
When last we left Chesty MacSheepboinker, he'd just paused in his bedroom for a quick 'saving the game' if you know what I mean. (Okay, no more of that, I promise.) Now I run him over to Galvan, because hey, when your entire future depends on it and they won't let you leave town, you just have to talk to the scruffy bearded man. Words to live by.
Chesty gets chewed out for being late and... say it with me... slapped upside the head. Again. Also he'll be withheld supper if he's late again tomorrow. At this point, you know, I'm starting to feel a little sorry for the guy. Maybe he just can't afford a jacket that fits. Maybe he'd love to be more bold and strident, but THE MAN has kept him DOWN for the last 17 years of his life. Maybe he's like a big blue-haired sheep-fondling Harry Potter.
"That little snot-nosed kid is now a little musketeer wannabe. You're all grown up." Galvan exposits, staring absently out the window. "Nancy, meanwhile, has grown up rude and brusque." Maybe that's why he's staring outside, she's probably out there running sword katas with the gardening implements. "Never mind that." Galvan finishes, and I happily put it out of my mind. Then Galvan grabs his crotch and tells Chesty to 'come here'.
...oh. But it's okay, he just has to chat with Grandpa Hawke. Whew. "Once you have a job, you must be a responsible member of society." it is revealed. There's also a bit of exposition about the water stone outside, and how the entire town depends on that lake to survive, because it's so pure and fresh. We get a name for the Big Shiny Rock of Water: "The Aqualith". Sounds like a bad submarine-based PC game to me. Galvan wraps it all up with "Work hard and be grateful! That's the point!" Then he makes little wrist-flicking "shoo" motions, sending Chesty off to pack up for Hunter's Wood. "I understand." Chesty nonentities back, and wanders off to the town gates.
Nancy, of course, meets up with Chesty at the front gate to emasculate him some more in front of the other hunters. She chews him out for being late... again... and makes sure he's ready to go. She shoves extra medication at him, because she totally expects him to get killed by the first passing ROCK that goes by. I have the option to be grateful or get pissed off by her nagging.
I choose to be grateful. She informs me she's only helping so Chesty doesn't cause problems for everyone else. On the other hand, I have the feeling that the other path would have gotten our hero a swift knee to the groin. Shame I didn't pick that one, I guess. Galvan shows up and Nancy literally shoves Chesty off into the forest.
The world map is set up like Super Mario World, just a number of tiny dots to move between. We run to Hunter's Wood, where Chesty sets about openly gawking at the... trees. Sheltered life, I imagine. Galvan confirms that this is our hero's first step into the forest as wel watch a rather ribby-looking deer drink from a stream. "But there are monsters in the forest too. Still, no need to get worked up about it. They're weak."
Dein butts in again. (Y'remember Dein?) "I don't know. He has trouble killing weeds." Whereas all Dein has to do is breathe on them. "A rookie like him might get eaten right away... yeah, I can see that happening." mutters Dein as he holds his arms out wide and stares into space.
My comebacks are "Reply modestly" and "I don't want to die!" ... Sometimes, y'know, the game designers make it way too easy on me. Chesty throws his arms up in the universal gesture for "OH GOD MAKE IT STOP!" and whimpers about how he's scared. Dein gapes and scratches his head, amazed that he even lives in the same TOWN as our Bare Chested Avenger. Galvan just fondles his belt buckle some more and points out that Dein too wet 'em on his first trip. Dein is not amused. He shuffles off, Seifer-like, to patrol the inner forest.
Next comes the combat tutorial, which is a bit of a relief to me. Dungeons and forests and the like are easy to transcribe, because nothing ever HAPPENS in them.
Well. Nothing major.
Combat tutorial! I'm fighting giant Klaw Ants. Chesty screams for Galvan at the sight of them, and I get schooled in the ways of menu-based push button combat. You all get to bypass this.
...ergh. In Shots I Could've Done Without, Galvan's win pose turns out to be draping his sword over his shoulder, smiling serenely, and vigorously scratching his ass. He's been scratching for about five minutes, since I paused to type this. There's something about watching a beardy man in a wifebeater energeticly rub his ass while he talks about how great your first time was that makes me twitch.
Combat lesson 2 involves a pack of three Bloody Wolves, who look like they haven't seen water in thirty years. Sigh. When will game creators cease such senseless prejudice? Polygonal wolves need wuv too.
This is where I learn about the Arts system, where tapping things like right-down-right as my battle attack give me higher powered special moves. Like Sabin's Blitz, or any given fighting game. The Blitz... er, Art I learn first is "Blue Moon Buster", which is basically a great big baseball-bat swing with a sword. The second is Sandstorm, which is a big upward sweeping bitchslap.
Meanwhile, I find that Chesty has a voice. After taking out one wolf, he proudly declares "NAHO PROBLUM." in a nasal monotone.
So on to the dungeon. Er, forest. I fight and get stuff. There's a LOT of stuff in this game. Stuff you cook with, stuff you can craft from, stuff you can decorate your house with, stuff you can stick on your characters, stuff you can eat, stuff that doesn't seem to HAVE a purpose. This is the game of Lots of Stuff. It's not quite as beefy as Star Ocean 2 in this respect, but what ever could be?
Getting tired. Save, stop for now.
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I hereby volunteer to shamelessly wuv the entire pack of polygonal wolves. They should be in a much better mood next you encounter them, if perhaps walking a little oddly.
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But then, I like big tails. I cannot lie. All y... ...I'm stopping there.
Also, "The Polygonal Luv Wolves" would be a good name for a band.
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*mrrrrrr*
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You wicked, wicked sqrl. More as soon as you can muster the enthusiasm, pleeeeeease. I will be so indebted to you. I will make you polygonal wolf wuv icons. I will.
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Which if we did it at your place would be like three, four?
*duck*
Anyway, yay for amusement! And no fear. There will be more. I haven't even introduced the The World's Least Appealing Panty Shot or Bad Bondage Fanfiction Boy into our tale yet.
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Word!
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It's probably cute, whatever it is.
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Well, first a Mama Polygonal Woof Wuv Icon and a Papa Polygonal Woof Wuv Icon love each other very, very much...then they share a special kind of hug that occasionally involves light burst patterns resembling the Platonic solids, progressing through the natural and, dare I say it, beautiful progression of octahedron to star tetrahedron, to cube, to dodecahedron, to icosohedron, and finally, to a perfect harmonious approximation of a sphere in the closest approximation their hardware can render.
They are so overwhelmed with love that they rest a while, often stuck together by that pesky Platonic solid light halo for a while, and months later, a little Polygonal Woof Wuv Icon may be born.
...you'll understand when you're older.
*DUCK*
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... yaa...
...err...
...*fall over* WORDS. I NEED MORE WORDS.
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I love you, in a non-mate-jealousy inducing, I want to cuddle your head until it disgorges ideas all over the freeway type of way.
I think that's a good thing.
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Forgetting the Jaebot would be like forgetting MegaBitHAL which, as much as we all want to, is impossible.
...I wish I had those quote files on hand!
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The polygonal luv wolf icons by yours truly can be found here (http://www.livejournal.com/community/sqrlgames/2904.html) for the taking. Enjoy!
I'm not allowed...
But I would if I could.
You DO realize that your narration is convincing me I must never, EVER pick up this game. Even if it's not as bad as your description makes it sound, I don't think I could play it without hearing your lines instead of whatever the game has...
Re: I'm not allowed...
It's a lot of fun to play too, in my opinion. This is really a labor of love. If just one person goes out and buys this game to watch the exploits of Chesty And Friends, I will be delighted.
Re: I'm not allowed...
Re: I'm not allowed...
Kingdom Hearts I've already finished. I could do that too, but it'd be kind of tedious, since I'm trying to work through through games I've not yet beaten. Rest assured though, when I'm done with this one (or I officially give up for a hiatus to play something else) there will be a poll as to what game I should do next, and I'll include everything I think I can stand to play again.
WA3?
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/B00006LEM8/qid=1091113291/sr=8-1/ref=pd_ka_1/103-3470229-6527034?v=glance&s=videogames&n=507846
Starting at around $12.00.
If you Re-do games, I'd think Star Ocean 2 would be fertile ground. Claude Kenni is pretty feckless to start with anyway. (Chrono Trigger might be interesting, but heckling CT is close to blasphemy.)
Re: WA3?
Dare I drop back and take on Earthbound? (Better not. I couldn't make up any comments as weird as Earthbound's plot.)
I dunno. It'll be put to a vote anyway, but I intend to note to people that the more obscure the game they point me at is, the more likely I'll have something to say that no one else does.
Re: WA3?
I don't know Zone of the Enders. FF9 could definitely be fun, though I'd find it much easier to mock FF8. I'm actually ENJOYING FFX; Tidus (I named him "Nick" -- long story) isn't nearly the whinger that some of the other FF protagonists have been. But as we approach the ending, I'm getting the impression that he's definitely screwed -- that Yuna's going to live but HE'S going to die. (Unless he actually comes back in FFX-2, don't spoiler it, haven't gotten to play yet). Breast of... BREATH of Fire certainly has possibilities.
Dare I drop back and take on Earthbound? (Better not. I couldn't make up any comments as weird as Earthbound's plot.)
You got that right. Mocking Earthbound would be a dangerous challenge, like parodying Project A-Ko. It CAN be done (see Fast Food Freedom Fighters) but it's tough.
(One thing I liked about Earthbound is that the monsters started to LEARN after a while that you were, in fact, an unkillable badass. You only needed to school the NEW monsters. The old ones started running from you.)