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MOVIE COMPLETE - Mobile Suit Gundam: G-Saviour
G-Saviour was a live-action movie produced for the 20th anniversary of Gundam, as a US/Japan co-production. That's where the good ideas end.
It was REALLY BAD, combining the quality of a mid-90s FMV video game with the quality of a script produced entirely out of one-liners. The Plot: A guy named Mark discovers a Secret Government plot to destroy biothermoluminescence. Combining two liquids together to make light is an alternative to agriculture! It means no one will have to eat anymore! His enemy, Jack, played by a cardboard cutout of Draco Malfoy with "VILLAIN" written across it, tries to stop Mark (played by a cardboard cutout of Dean Cain with "HERO" written across it) and a world-reknowned scientist (played by a Hot Black Chick in a scuba outfit, I approve) from ... doing something, I stopped fucking caring around the time they got into space and went to Space America and ordered martinis from Space David Bowie. But this was a sluggish, sluggish film that left me with ... well. One good thing came out of this movie: I got to see the giant robots of the Illuminati, which was the HERO organization. (The bad guys were Congress.) Anyway. There were some half-decent and very showy giant robot fights, but aside from that I did not GIVE a flying shit about anyone in this movie. In the end, the bad guy is humiliated, the good guy gets the girl, and the girl leaves her job as SAVIOUR OF THE MOTHER FUCKING WORLD and CURER OF WORLD HUNGER to go hang out with him and grow tomatoes in the suburbs. The end. Way to poop all the potential of a twenty year old franchise down the back of your legs, Sunrise. 2/5 stars.
It was STILL better than the Wing Commander movie, but so is any given Youtube video.
Quotes from the viewing:
Woof: "You're walking through a greenhouse in a fur lined brown leather outfit. WITH AB-RIPPLES. ON THE BACK."
Sqrl: "Maybe they help maintain rigidity?"
Woof: "They'd have to, he doesn't have any of his own."
Sqrl: "Was this filmed on a WEBCAM? What's with the framerate?"
It was REALLY BAD, combining the quality of a mid-90s FMV video game with the quality of a script produced entirely out of one-liners. The Plot: A guy named Mark discovers a Secret Government plot to destroy biothermoluminescence. Combining two liquids together to make light is an alternative to agriculture! It means no one will have to eat anymore! His enemy, Jack, played by a cardboard cutout of Draco Malfoy with "VILLAIN" written across it, tries to stop Mark (played by a cardboard cutout of Dean Cain with "HERO" written across it) and a world-reknowned scientist (played by a Hot Black Chick in a scuba outfit, I approve) from ... doing something, I stopped fucking caring around the time they got into space and went to Space America and ordered martinis from Space David Bowie. But this was a sluggish, sluggish film that left me with ... well. One good thing came out of this movie: I got to see the giant robots of the Illuminati, which was the HERO organization. (The bad guys were Congress.) Anyway. There were some half-decent and very showy giant robot fights, but aside from that I did not GIVE a flying shit about anyone in this movie. In the end, the bad guy is humiliated, the good guy gets the girl, and the girl leaves her job as SAVIOUR OF THE MOTHER FUCKING WORLD and CURER OF WORLD HUNGER to go hang out with him and grow tomatoes in the suburbs. The end. Way to poop all the potential of a twenty year old franchise down the back of your legs, Sunrise. 2/5 stars.
It was STILL better than the Wing Commander movie, but so is any given Youtube video.
Quotes from the viewing:
Woof: "You're walking through a greenhouse in a fur lined brown leather outfit. WITH AB-RIPPLES. ON THE BACK."
Sqrl: "Maybe they help maintain rigidity?"
Woof: "They'd have to, he doesn't have any of his own."
Sqrl: "Was this filmed on a WEBCAM? What's with the framerate?"
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- Not just the dialogue, but also all the character concepts, plot points, technobabble, etc, must be contained in one line / ten words or less. Everything about this movie is confined to a single dimension.
- The hero is played by someone much more smarmy and less manly than Dean Cain. That's.. all I have to say about that.
- The villain, rather than Draco, I can't help but see as Jared (Jerid? however you want to romanize it) from Zeta. A douche who spends more time on his hair than on planning his evil schemes, who seems to think HE is the protagonist of his own story, and is constantly bewildered when things fall apart on him.
- If you really want to inflict this movie on yourself, you may want to leave your TV's volume low. The terrible sound balance will allow you to infer what's happening from the CGI and the sound effects - the dialogue is not really necessary and you may cause injury either through direct brain damage, or from laughing too hard that someone actually shipped this as the final cut.
That said, for the time, the CGI robots really weren't all that bad, and we DID bust up laughing a few times while watching. So it wasn't a total loss.
Favorite lines:
Bad Guy General: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!! (as he is blown up by his own forces)
Our Hero (tm): No kiss for you. (to his new GF's father, a 350 pound black man in an eye-hurting bathrobe)
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Good movie: "Listen, let me give you some reasons to trust me and some situations in which I seem trustworthy."
G-Saviour: "TRUST ME. TRUST ME. DO IT. DO IT NOW."
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Having met both the Illuminati and Congress I can assure you that this is somewhat accurate. Paradoxically democracy is evil and tyranny is good in reality.
I liked the Wing Commander movie, even if it had almost nothing to do with Wing Commander apart from the call-signs of the pilots and the word Kilrathi. My Dad loved Wing Commander a lot. I think it's probably his fifth favorite movie. I think his five favorite movies are Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club, The Rocky Horror Picture Show, Serenity, Star Wars, and Wing Commander.
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