xyzzysqrl: A moogle sqrlhead! (Default)
[personal profile] xyzzysqrl

I used to have a lot more personality. I wonder what happened to it all?

I've been sort of vaguely craving getting back on the Social Medias. Trying to reach out, make connections. Blurt everything I think into a window and throw it out to see what other people think. It was addictive and gratifying and I didn't have to be alone with myself, I could just pretend I was in a busy room.

I'm not in a particularly busy room, and I'm actively ignoring a bunch of IM services full of potential contacts to type this. Do I want to reach out to others, or do I want to listen to myself talk real loud?

I used to be a lot more of a PERSON, didn't I? I had interests, for a while. I play a game or six every month, but is that my life now? I don't read so much, or watch TV, or movies, or listen to music. Isn't that just consuming in a different fashion? I've pickily chosen what I want to eat. Is that so bad, or am I a toddler again?

I used to be really enthusiastic about things. Is this just the anhedonia of untreated depression again? Isn't there something I should do about that?

Would it really help?

Who am I anymore, anyway?
Who do I want to be?
Am I really satisfied?

...yet in spite of all that, I can live with myself. (Or, I can live with the mild myself that I am right now.) I want to be more lively, which means I'm still alive. I'm not satisfied because I can be better. And if I want to talk real loud, it's only because I know I can be heard without shaming myself.

I'm just having a rough spot. I can keep going, but I have to keep checking in with myself, adjusting to be sure I'm going the right way.

It's okay for now.


xyzzysqrl: A moogle sqrlhead! (Default)

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