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Well, all of the major companies have broadcast their E3 shows and I livetweeted all of them relentlessly. I wanted to note down the stuff I thought was cool and bad and whatnot though.

We kicked off with Electronic Arts.


Star Wars Battlefront 2 right up front. Multiplayer is not my jam.

Little teaser for Bioware's Anthem. More on that later.

"A Way Out". a co-op (forced two player) prison escape game looked interesting, but it was multiplayer again. At this point I was sunk down in my seat going "uhhhhhh".

Need for Speed. uhhhhhhhhhh intensifies.

Battlefield 1. UHHHHHHHHHHH

John Madden John Madden John Madden John Madden aeiou

FIFA.

Basketball.

Man, fuck EA.


Happily, the Xbox show was more engaging. I think Microsoft turned in one of the strongest showings of the entire run.


The Xbox show was also a stealth PC gaming show, when you consider that every "EXCLUSIVE" they broadcast is coming to PC either explicitly or implicitly with the crossplay thing they're doing. Yeah, it means you have to come to grips with the Windows 10 store, but... well, y'know. It could be worse.

They started with their new console, the XxXBoxXxONEX, or the XboneX1, or the Ten Bone Nine or whatever you want to call it. $500 for a game system is out of my price range when I own so many other systems and two PCs, so I'm not even talking about that. That said, with the Xbone getting original Xbox back-compatibility I may need to invest in one of those eventually, particularly if the Otogi games show up on that system.

A Microsoft executive fellated a Porsche on-stage for a while, which was oddly fetishtastic, and then we saw some cars in a video game.

The new Metro game leaves the Metro system, so it's not really a Metro game but whatever it's still probably a good open-world shootman game.

Assassin's Creed Origins gave me a ripping fangasm.

There was something about dwarves in space.

Multiplayer shootmans.

Zombies.

Minecraft is going to look a shitload better, which led to me saying "I should really learn how to play Minecraft" for the 69,105th time.

A Microsoft man attempted to spin Dragon Ball Z as "something weird and unusual from Japan" which is like... ?!?!?!? the fuck planet have you been on welcome to Earth we have anime here asshole. Anyway DBZ Fightgame from Ark System Works hooyah.

Then a man got on stage and started yelling commentary over footage of some other multiplayer elimination murder festival and I wished he would go away and eventually he did.

Black Desert. I didn't like this MMO, but it's very pretty. Now it can be pretty on consoles.

The Last Night was very exciting up until we found out the dude making it was a Gamergate dude and also didn't understand Cyberpunk. Fuck off away into the ocean, Gamergate dude.

There was a game called the Artful Escape which looked like Harry Potter's Night in the Woods? I know nothing of this.

Code Vein was a brightly colored vampire bash from Namco-Bandai. I'm okay with this and may look into it in the future. I think it's the God Eater team? Is that fun?

Tacoma is a game about being sad on a space station. Gone Home devs. Probably gonna buy it.

Cuphead still exists.

There was an absolute DICKTON of Indie Games and most of them looked PRETTY OKAY and they're all in this reel and I don't know what to say about most of them.

Something called Ashen, which made me think of a game about finding cunningly hidden Popstations in your day to day life, but no it's some sort of whack-em-up.

Life is Strange: Before The Storm. Or is there a colon in there? Uh... anyway prequel to Life is Strange which I'm playing right now.

SUPER LUCKY'S TALE YES YES YES FURRIES WILL INVADE YOUR VIDEO GAMES AND YOUR LIFE AND THEY'RE ADORABLE. This got me super hype because I love a good mascot collectathon.

Sea of Thieves had a very well-narrated trailer. That's about all. I don't really do social stuff so this is useless. You can't really solo being a pirate captain.
(THIS IS THE GOOD SHIP LIFESTYLE! I ELECT ME THE CAPTAIN! THIS IS THE LONELIEST VOYAGE I'VE EVER BEEN ON!)

Someone trapped poor Terry Crews in Crackdown 3. Please let him out.

Shadows of War gave me a thing about orcs. Like the trailer was all "Dive between his legs and hold B to dominate this orc! Brand him with your palm in a humiliating fashion! Now plant your flag in his territory!" and I was like "uhhhhhhhh" and now I want to marry a dozen orcs. FUCKING THANKS, TOLKIEN.

Ori and the Will of the Wisps made me actually go buy a copy of the prequel. Happily it was on sale on Steam. It's like they KNEW, man.

Bioware made Destiny again but they called it Anthem. Uhm... okay? That's not what I want from Bioware but maybe they will do a better lootemup than Bungie did.


Once Microsoft got off stage, it was time for Bethesda.



Bethesda did not appear to understand that E3 was for showing NEW things, as they first fellated themselves with long juicy sucks and talked about their history and how awesome they were and blah blah yackity schmackity. Then they showed Doom and Fallout 4. Oh wait, they are VR Doom and VR Fallout 4. Okay sure.

Bethesda wanted to remind us that they have mods! And that they want to CURATE those mods in a CREATION CLUB where creators would CHARGE for t-- oh fuckity fuck's sake Bethsoft THIS shit again? We're not paying for mods. You can't make us pay for mods. Fuck off into the ocean.

Skyrim. Again, we know you made Skyrim. Oh but this is Switch Skyrim. With Zelda dress-up. Huzzah.

Dishonored 2 expansion about murdering The Outsider. What a good idea. I should perhaps buy Dishonored 2. I should perhaps finish the Dishonored 1 DLC. Oops.

The Evil Within 2 introduced us to a chaotic world where people are routinely covered in sloppy white goo but AREN'T furries. I do not understand this world.

Wolfenstein 2 gives us all an excuse to just go murder Nazis like it's going out of style, which unfortunately it is. Let's bring that back INTO style.

Uh... and somewhere in there was some Elder Scrolls card stuff, and some Elder Scrolls Online stuff (really? Paid DLC? You JUST released a paid expansion pack, you cockaninnies.) and some stuff about Quake that tried to make it seem like the NEW HOTNESS FOR YOUNG PEOPLE which is a lie because nobody under thirty fucking cares about Quake, not even Online Champions Quake. I am over 30 and I'm only playing that thing because you have a lizard lady in it.


Devolver Digital did a weird surreal Adult Swim/Tim and Eric nonshow. Let's skip them. I slept.

After that, though it was time for the PC Gaming Show, aka the CURE FOR INSOMNIA. There was like... nothing much at this show I cared about. Less than EA. There was Battletech, which is cool. There was some shots of lizardmen riding dinosaurs which was hot. But this show was DEAD, and their idea of a good time was showing off a LEVEL EDITOR. At one point the host smiled out into the audience and conversationally said "So this is what it feels like when a career dies." and... yup, dude, sorry. You got a raw-ass deal.

On to Ubisoft!



Ubisoft started out with the biggest, fattest shocker of all E3 so far: The Mario x Rabbids game. Which is XCOM. Mushroom Kingdom XCOM. I hate the rabbids, I can't stand them, I am there for this because it looks so damn ... unexpected and weird and shocking that I need to know what it's LIKE. Maybe this will finally learn me to be good at XCOMs. I doubt it.

Then they showed off The Crew 2, a game nobody much wanted. I sorta enjoyed The Crew and feel like I should go back to it but this one looks like Super Stunt Island and well hell I'm okay with that.

Transference, a VR game starring Elijah Wood. This is a VR FMV game. FMV GAMES ARE COMING BACK. WHAT IS OUR WORLD BECOMING? I'll take it.

Skull & Bones is like, Ubisoft Presents Ocean of Rogues. Basically that stuff from Assassin's Creed Black Flag and AC: Rogue and all, but as a PVP online game. Hahahaha I dunno maybe. I'm not really... you know.

STARLINK! Starlink Battle for Altas is basically Skylanders In Space. You take a toy spaceship and clip it onto your controller and fly it around and swap weapons and it looks great and will cost a billion fuckin' dollars.

Far Cry 5 exists. It's about shooting cultist good ol' boys in middle America. You can make your dog eat them and bring you their guns, so I guess this is a sequel to Dead to Rights.

Beyond Fuckin' Good and Fuckin' Evil FUCKING 2 is FUCKING a real game but it's a prequel to BG&E starring a punk monkey who swears a lot and rides a space motorcycle and who wanted this? It's like Poochie Incarnate.

Also there was South Park but I don't care.


Next there was Sony.



Sony started out with a flute and drums, and Uncharted came on screen. Looks like a spinoff game starring one of the ladies from Uncharted 2 and someone I didn't recognize, probably from UC4. I'm okay with this.

Horizon Zero Dawn expansion. Need to buy Horizon Zero Dawn.

Zombies.

Monster Hunter.

Shadow of the Colossus is getting a remake so you can feel like a total asshole in good graphics mode. I mean, yay I guess. I look forward to this showing up at every E3 for the next ten years and then being released and being kinda underwhelming ZING Last Guardian joke.

Cawladoody.

Skyrim VR. VR stuff. VR VR VR.

VR Final Fantasy XV fishing game. This achieved the triple crown of Making Fanboys Mad As Hell, Including Comforting Boyfriends, and Being Goofy As Fuck as loud battle music wailed and you struggle with fish. Excellent A++ game, if I had a VR helmet I would buy it.

Also a VR thing about a mouse and it is the most precious shit. He is friend shaped and I want to protect him. Why is this VR? No, seriously, WHY IS this VR? It doesn't look like it has to be.

Godawar. Don't caaaaaare go awaaaaaaay

Detroit: Becoming Human is a David Cage game so it SHOULD be a magical shitshow of hilarity and interesting game design choices. I will take this.

SPIDER-MAN. Spider-Man with Peter AND Miles. YESSSSS.

And there was Undertale for PS4 and Marvel vs Capcom failed to impress or interest me yay.


FINALLY there was Nintendo. And Nintendo... were Nintendo.



Nintendo reminded us games are fun. Then they showed a game where your girlfriend becomes a sword, Xenoblade Chronicles 2. It sounded like Chrono Trigger at first so I got REAL HYPE and then backed off.

Kirby. Y'know I've never played a Kirby game? I may buy one soon to try.

Yoshi. Y'know I've never played a Yoshi solo game? I may etc.

Game Freak is doing a mainline Pokemon for Switch sometime in the future. Okay then.

They showed a Metroid Prime 4 logo. That's all we needed.

Breath of the Wild DLC. I'm waiting for all of this to be out before I play it. I mean, I'm kinda buried here.

Rocket League. Too stressful for me, and with crossplay across consoles this means anybody can think you're a shit noob, even on other platforms.

Super Mario Odyessy is WEIRD. Just... watch this trailer. That is some SURREAL SHIT. I love Mario games.

And then on the Treehouse stream they popped the biggest bomb: Metroid 2 remake. Yeah, it's MercurySteam, last seen kinda not doing great with Castlevania. Don't really care, the gameplay footage looked great and there's a Dark Souls parry move now. I'm hot for it. I'm buying it. Biggest thing of E3 for me.


IN CONCLUSION:

It's an AMAZING time to own a PC.
It's an AMAZING time to be a fan of Mario or Metroid.
...
That's about it. See y'all next year!
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