Jun. 3rd, 2017

xyzzysqrl: A moogle sqrlhead! (Default)
Yeah, the N64 game, kinda. It's on Steam now and I was feeling like doing a first person shooter, so I went ahead and installed this one. It's interesting how a port can affect the feel of a game. Instead of nearly-blind and in stuttery slow motion, Turok has become the Native American god of Pointing At Things From A Great Distance Away. None of the enemy AI really seemed to know how to react to being pistol-sniped from somewhere in the Everglades, so that made the first bit of the game much easier.

Then it got mean. Turok's level design is INSANE, giant massive tangled mazes designed by evil architect Ivo Shandor to bring about the coming of Gozer. Levels started taking me like three or four hours each. I mean, sure I suck. That's part of it. They were HUGE though. Oddly, the lives system didn't matter as much, but I was being pretty aggressive about playing through as thoroughly as possible because I know I will almost certainly never replay it.

Lots of human and ... robot?? Cyborg?? enemies for a game called Dinosaur Hunter. I assume there's a backstory to it but I honestly don't really care.

Sqrl: "...but it's not like, y'know, when you shoot them and blood goes pssssh they're actually DEAD. They just fall over and PRETEND."
Woof: "Uh. How do you reach that conclusion?"
Sqrl: "Because no matter how many times you shoot explosives at the 'corpse', they always fly way up in the air and scream. If they died, they'd stop screaming. So they're faking it."
Woof: "...spoken with the deeply alarming tone of much experience."

Anyway Turok was good. Since I played the latter half of the game offline, it didn't trigger any of the achievements on Steam. But I did totally win this one.
xyzzysqrl: A moogle sqrlhead! (Default)
For a while there I was like "Hey does anyone remember that one game where you're an alien kid and in the end you fall into a snake and get eaten?"

And nobody did. But then I found this in the 3D Realms/Apogee collection and oh hey it's that game! The first episode of this was shareware back in the day and I never had the full version. Damn good thing, too.

There's a lot that's positive to say about Cosmo's. The graphics were at the time incredible, particularly given the 16-color limitations. The music is by Doom composer Bobby Prince. Cosmo himself is a cute fellow with a lot of personality. As mentioned, the first episode is pretty okay.

... that's about it for the positive things. I do not want to be That Gamer, but the framerate of this is atrocious (and I KNOW it was designed in 1992, for the 386, trust me it didn't play much better THEN, I was THERE) and that kinda holds the game down. Jumping, which is the major thing you really want to be doing in a platformer, never quite feels precise or accurate. Neither does air control. Your only defense aside from jumping on things is bombs, which have a delay and are only useful on the ground. Also the programmers know your weaknesses and plan around them when designing levels.

Also the tone of the game briefly shifts WILDLY as you go from Cute Cosmo Adventures to being eaten by a snake at the end of episode 1 and having to platform through its stomach. I feel like "The cute platformer started showing me artwork of photorealstic internal organs" is step 3 on a checklist that leads to this journal being a final log of my death at the hands of a haunted video game. (If I mysteriously drown, burn my apartment building and everything in it.)

Let me put it like this: I beat Episode 1 pretty easily. Around a third of the way into episode 2 I gave up and turned on God Mode to see what the rest of the episode was like.

Episode 3 was consistantly killing my ass WITH GOD MODE ON, because God Mode does not protect you from plunging off-screen to your death.

So how do I score this? Technically each "Episode" is a standalone game file with a launcher that runs ep 1, 2, or 3. Technically I finished episode 1. But that would make this a 1 win, 2 loss split unless I count winning ep 2 with God Mode as a victory, which I am loathe to do.

I'd rather just write the entire thing off as a single unit and move on with my life. At least now I know what game this is.

[EDIT] David N. offers a second opinion except his is also that this is unfun.

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