Apr. 6th, 2017

xyzzysqrl: A moogle sqrlhead! (Moogle)
InviZimals: The Lost Kingdom is not really a very good game, but the ways in which it isn't a good game completely fascinate me. The clumsy battle system, awkward platforming, eternal voice-overs and raggedy textures always had me going "Ooh, okay but if they had improved X" and thus kept me engaged. Accordingly I had a lot more fun playing it than I have some of the games that were actually good/high quality but dull in their competency. If you understand that, you're a good way towards understanding how I work in general.

InviZimals is this thing that Sony desperately desired to be their own personal Pokemon. 90% of the games in the series are augmented reality things: You look through a camera on your PSP or Vita to see hidden 'invisible animals', you collect them under the guise of research, and because this is a Pokemon knockoff you then ram your animals together in the arena to see which is strongest.

InviZimals: Lost Kingdom is different. Somehow they decided what this series needed was a small asian boy named Hiro to be the main character. Also he should be filmed in live-action until it's time for gameplay, at which point he passes through a portal to become CGI. This small asian boy's special power is that because of ~REASONS~ he can transform-poof himself into various Invizimal forms to do platforming and stuff, and the moment I learned this fact is the exact point at which I stopped giving the smallest damn about him and started focusing entirely on the creatures he becomes.

I'm a furry, okay? I ain't here to see Ben 10, I'm looking for monster people. I can't apologize for this.

So if you want to know how the GAME is: It's a deliberately-paced game designed to be fairly easy for children, with a combat system that's maybe a bit too slow and difficult to target with. You run around platforming and fighting robots and collecting collectables.

For some reason Brian Blessed is here narrating database entries on the characters at you?? That was a surprise! A couple of characters ask what that weird voice is, only for Hiro to sheepishly admit that someone talks to him through his wrist computer and "Dr. Dawson doesn't HAVE a volume control." Meanwhile Brian/Dawson's lectures are full of weird rambling bullshit about his neighbor's dog and that time his aunt met a yeti. It's great. Incoherent, but great.

It's a mid-tier game on part with movie-tie-in games of the PS2 era. Not actually bad. Not actually good. Just there. A score of 50 on Metacritic which after some thought I agree with, this is an exact Average of a game.

I'm not here to talk about the game though. Remember the animal forms? Remember my Mega Man X writeup? It's time for another FURRY GRADEDOWN.

There are 16 unlockable forms, eight of which have unique powers used to get around out of battle and eight of which are swap-in replacements for the previous eight with a slightly altered moveset. I will be giving them largely arbitrary power rankings based on Utility in and out of battle for the first eight (because the rest are largely colorswaps with a few new moves) and Appeal for all sixteen (personal, because I'm writing this).

This is a long one, folks. And very imageful. )

In conclusion, InviZimals: The Lost Kingdom is a video game where furries punch robots and I have strong opinions about the appearance of these furries. (I would love to rate them by personality but HIRO KEEPS SUBSUMING THEM. God I wish he were not in this game.)

If you would like to comment, please take a moment to consider that you too are about to have Opinions about which D-list video game mascot character is most personally attractive to you, and then post it anyway because where else on the Internet are you likely to be able to do this?

Thank you for taking this adventure with me.

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